44, pregnant w/1st child, BF left
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|Sun, 05-02-2010 - 8:32am|
Brand new to this site. I'm 44 years old and just over 5 weeks pregnant (found out a week ago). When I was 28, I became accidentally pregnant with my husband of 5 years. He had been my college sweetheart and was one of the kindest men I have ever known. That said, at the time I found out I was pregnant, he was drinking about a pint of scotch a day, among other things. I decided it wouldn't be fair to bring a baby into the world with such a serious alcoholic, so I had the pregnancy terminated. In rational terms, it was probably the right choice. (My husband and I divorced a few years later, and he was subsequently diagnosed with bipolar disorder, in addition to alcoholism. Sadly, he took his own life about a year ago.) Nonetheless, the abortion proved to be much harder on me psychologically than I had ever anticipated. At the time, I assumed my husband would recover and/or I would remarry and have another child. In any case, I vowed to myself never to have an abortion again unless it was medically necessary.
Fast forward 16 years: At 44, I assumed it would be difficult, if not impossible for me to become pregnant, esp. w/out the help of fertility treatments. Well, what do you know--my boyfriend of a year and a half who claimed to love me more than anything and who had always been very kind to me--had unprotected sex ONE time, and I became pregnant! Can we say flabbergasted?!?! As shocked as I was--and also somewhat worried, given my age and the potential for complications--I actually felt somewhat happy that I was pregnant and that I might (if all goes well) have a child after all. Given how wonderful my boyfriend has been until now, I assumed that he would be shocked, too, but that he would do "the right thing" and get on board. Boy was I wrong. I told him about the pregnancy a week ago, and he has been having a hard time--sort of in denial and not even mentioning or alluding to my pregnancy. Well, last night, he finally exploded--this up to now SEEMINGLY kind, gentle, and loving man (we'd never even had a serious fight before)began screaming obscenities at me on a public street and told me I have ruined his life, tricked him into this, etc. He left in a rage, and things are basically over w/him. I've seen his true colors and want NOTHING more to do w/him.
Sorry for long-winded post, but here's my question: Am I absolutely CRAZY to consider having my first baby at 44--and going it alone at that? (I do have a good job and supportive family and friends, but still....) Also, I really can't see having another abortion, but still!! Help!
Edited 5/2/2010 8:44 am ET by marcellerella