Feeling isolated and alone

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2010
Feeling isolated and alone
18
Sat, 04-03-2010 - 5:41pm

I guess my situation is a little unique. At 36 years old with no children, my biological clock was ticking quite loudly. A professional, I felt like I had very little to show for my 36 years other than several degrees and a decent job. It had always been about my career and somehow, the other important parts of life just seemed to pass me by. Just out a relationship with the man whom I was sure was 'the one' but wasn't, I was suddenly alone. And on top of that, for the first time in my life,I knew I wanted to be a mom.

I guess when I met Andrew (not his real name) I was thinking more 'opportunity' than relationship. He seemed like a really nice guy. There was nothing about him I didn't like - cute, smart, healthy and also wanted to be a parent some time sooner rather than later. I had no idea how easy or difficult it would be to get pregnant. I had never tried before. So we were both quite shocked when three short weeks into the relationship we had sex for the first time (without taking any precautions) and boom! Just like that, we are going to be parents.

I am now seven weeks pregnant and still totally floored. Totally in a spin. I am physically very healthy and I am very happy and excited about the baby. Andrew is also happy and excited. The problem is 'the relationship'. It didn't really have much time to develop before the pregnancy and now I am a very different person - very moody and irritable, not very much fun, and often not very nice to him. He is a great guy but often times I don't know if I want to be with him at all. Yet I cannot imagine doing this on my own. I hardly even trust my feelings, my emotions are so out of wack. I'm also feeling a little bit embarrassed. Friends and family are soon going to know that I am pregnant and most of them don't even know I have a new boyfriend.

I would love to have someone to talk to who has some idea what I am going through. I feel very, very isolated and alone.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2007
Mon, 04-05-2010 - 11:18pm

Congratulations on your pregnancy! How are you feeling? Are you hoping for a boy or a girl? Any names picked out?


Our situations are completely different... I don't speak with the man who impregnated me and my daughter just turned 1. BUT.


I think what you're doing is so exciting... Obviously it's going have it's rough moments but anything worth having is hard sometimes. Have you explained your fears to Andrew? I think letting him know that you really want to continue to explore the relationship but are concerned that you're just going to be crazy sometimes would be a good idea.


Although...


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2010
Tue, 04-06-2010 - 3:56pm

Thanks for your support Allison. Very much appreciated! I am fortunate enough to have a very supportive, very excited mom of my own (one of the few people who knows about this). So that is one thing I have going for me.

The baby's dad and I have talked about everything - even the really hard stuff like what will happen if it doesn't work out between him and I. He is a lot more optimistic about 'us' than I am, and I feel so guilty about that. But who knows. He is extremely supportive and no matter how it goes he is going have a role in all of this. I just wish I didn't feel so disconnected from him. I hate this feeling of 'aloneness'.

Please let me know if you think of the name of that book you read. I would love to read it.

Thanks

Lyn

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2007
Tue, 04-06-2010 - 5:56pm

FOUND IT!


I was actually kind of hoping you wouldn't ask for the name because I seriously couldn't find it last night but I was able to track it down today - It's called Misconceptions by Naomi Wolf. I found it very interesting but didn't read it cover to cover - unusual for me. I think it was a little heavy, but like I said - Very interesting.


I'm a reader... I love to know everything and hear from anyone who has ever been a single mother, so I actually have more favorites - Rattled is new and by the author of the popular Storked! blog on glamour.com and Accidentally on Purpose: The True Tale of a Happy Single Mother by Mary Pols (now a tv show) is a little similar to your situation - you may enjoy it. I also enjoyed Rockabye by Rebecca Woolf but only because she, like me, chose to continue an unplanned pregnancy at a fairly young age (her 23, me 21) and was successful because, not despite it.


I'm so glad your mother is on board - That's great! I do think that being in a relationship would be hard during a pregnancy just because you have Andrew to consider. I think that by already showing concern for his feelings and the relationship you're a step ahead most.


I really don't think the feeling of aloneness is going to go away... Though maybe if you got involved in like a prenatal yoga class or something with other pregnant women that would help. It's not easy to relate to nonpregnant people when you are. It gets better :)


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2010
Wed, 04-07-2010 - 1:06pm

Thanks again Allison. I am planning a trip to the bookstore tomorrow and will look for those book. I am also a reader.

I think it is my nature to feel a bit 'isolated' and 'different' so it's not unusual that I am feeling like the only 37 year old single expecting mom on the planet at the moment. Andrew has one definite advantage over me in that his best friend is also an excited, expectant dad in a new unstable relationship. What I wouldn't give to have that comradery right now! Mind you I am glad that he has the support. Andrew and I spend a lot of time together but whether we end up as a couple or two friends raising a child is anyone's guess. He has already agreed that it is best for the child to live with me. I do not agree with joint custody. Knowing that he is not going to fight for that takes a lot of stress off me and makes me feel a lot better.

There is still so much to worry about though! His mother is chomping at the bit for grandchildren and has no clue about this, nor does she have any idea that things are not good between us. Though she is very keen that something is up and always asking him what is wrong with me! We probably won't tell her until after the first trimester and after screenings for Downs Syndrome. She is very overrbearing and though her intentions are good, she overwhelms me. I am not looking forward to telling her about this.

I have actually thought about pre-natal yoga. Staying in good physical and mental health is a big concern for me. Small boned and thin by nature I have always been in good shape. I worry a lot about getting that shape back post baby. But my mom didn't have any problems with that so hopefully I won't either. I don't think I'm going to be one of these women who enjoys being pregnant. It sounds very selfish but I am already dreading growing out of my pretty little clothes (but then again I am also looking forward to buying pretty little clothes for someone else). Also prone to sadness and anxiety, I am working really hard to stay active, keep my chin up, be happy and maintain a positive perspective. That's harder now than ever since I am tending to avoid friends who don't know about my situation and so far I have only told two friends.

I have accomplished a lot on my own over the years. I know that I will be a super mom. Again it just feels like such couple's, family's world. But again, that's me feeling isolated. Andrew says that it's funny that I say that I feel so alone when the reality is that I'll never be alone again. True in way, but he doesn't really get it and I don't really expect him to.

Having said all of that, I am happy and excited about this. I am really hoping for a little girl but I really feel like it's going to be a boy. I am trying not to over think the fun stuff too much until after the first trimester and after the screenings confirm that I am carrying a healthy baby. Fingers crossed.

Thanks again.

Lyn

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2009
Thu, 04-08-2010 - 11:16am

Hi.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2010
Thu, 04-08-2010 - 6:54pm

Hello and thank you for your response. First of all, congratulations on being a new mom. You say I am lucky. Well I guess I envy you a little for a being eight months or so ahead of me. I am so nervous about the next eight months, well the next couple of years actually!!!


Yes, you are right, there is a lot of good in my situation and sometimes I need that pointed out to me. I do often think about how much worse it could be. I know in my heart that Andrew will always be supportive and that we will be good co-parents together, regardless of what does or does not come of our relationship. I do have some fears about his mom though. She wonderful but she is very overbearing. She makes me very nervous and she doesn't even know about this yet.


Your situation sounds like a challenge. Don't let the stress from the dad take away from the joy of this wonderful, exciting time. Hopefully you will come to an understanding. At the end of the day you will always be the mom and as far as I'm concerned no other role in babies life can ever trump that, not even the role of dad.


How have the first few weeks been??? Are you totally overwhelmed? I imagine it must feel quite surreal. I hope you have some friendly and friend support.


Thanks again for your response. I feel like our situations are atleast a tiny bit similiar and I hope I can offer you some support.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2009
Thu, 04-08-2010 - 8:24pm
It is definitely an adjustment being a new mom but when I look at that little tiny face its all worth it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2010
Thu, 04-08-2010 - 10:19pm

Hi again newmommy. Well, speaking from the perspective of someone who spent four years dating a really good lawyer and another year with someone who was going through a very nasty divorce, I will offer you this advice - keep records of everything in case you ever need them. Write down what was said and when it was said, and keep e-mails and phone messages. And don't say anything to him in the heat of the moment that could potentially come back to bite you in the butt.

On the upside - at least his parents live three hours away. That's a bit of a blessing for you. Andrew's mom lives about 15 minutes away from me! But my own mom lives about three minutes away and she is my greatest supporter thank god. In fairness, they are both great moms. Andrew's mom did a super job of raising him and I have a lot of respect for her but I have feeling it's going to be too many hens in the hen house when baby comes.

Thanks again for your support and input. Good luck and please keep me posted on how things go as you embrace this exciting new experience of mommyhood.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2010
Sat, 04-10-2010 - 6:14pm

I can definitely relate to these postings. I am 38 and pregnant with my first child. I have had a rocky relationship with the father of the child, for the past 7 years. After four years of living together, we decided that it would be best to take a breather. He moved out, but we continued to see each other. The pregnancy is a result of our 'separation'.

I am very happy about the pregnancy. It is something that I have wanted for the past 3 years. The hard part is, he is not. He has expressed that he is full of fear, anger and frustration. He worries about how this will impact his life and finances, and has not offered any emotional support to me nor gone to any of my doctor appointments (just had my three month scan).

I don't have any family in town (parents abroad and single child), and friends are busy with their own lives, kids and problems.

All this to say I feel incredibly isolated. I also, and I know that this is wrong, feel like I am waiting for him to 'come around'. I have given him yards and miles of rope and not asked for anything or burdened him. I was on bed rest for 2 weeks with spotting, and was not offered any help from him.

I was advised to just let him go, but I feel stuck in this holding pattern and I know this is not good for me or the baby.

Any advice would be appreciated ladies.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2009
Sun, 04-11-2010 - 1:06am

Everyone told me he would come around once the baby got here but our relationship is even worse.

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