Pregnant and Abandoned..I could really use some helpful wisdom!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2012
Pregnant and Abandoned..I could really use some helpful wisdom!
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Mon, 02-06-2012 - 10:17pm

After trying for over a year to get pregnant and after a miscarriage, three weeks ago my fiance and I found out we are expecting! Im so blessed and excited to have this opportunity, due to health conditions Ive had from childhood my chances for conceiving were always extremely low, and I had all but given up on having a child of my own when I woke up when morning and felt that awful pain in my breast- only a pregnant woman can understand how something so painful can bring a smile to your face :) The problem is that after finding out that we had conceived, my fiance of two years who had planned all of this with me just up and decided he didnt want to be with me anymore. Im not naive and I grew up around some pretty terrible relationships so I know that a lot of times people in love cant see whats truly in front of them, but Brett and I truly never had any real issues. He was my best friend and we enjoyed every minute together. He fits right in with my entire family and everyone loves him as if hes always been there. And despite the fact that we were seeing a fertility specialist and hoping and praying for this miracle...now he doesnt want it? I keep trying to just let it go because I know that stress is not okay for the baby or myself, especially with my health, but Im just so confused as to how to feel right now. I love him so very much and I would do anything for all of this to disappear and for us to have that perfect family that we planned and hoped for, but at the same time I was raised to stand up for myself and not let anyone treat me badly. My parents had an extremely dysfunctional relationship and the way my father treated my mother-I promised myself noone would ever make me feel that way. And ever since we found out the baby is on its way, everything out of my fiances mouth is demeaning and hurtful. And as much as I love him and know that he is just scared, I dont think that he has any right to talk down to me or to hurt me. I know I may sound like some hopeless young romantic but Im really not. I know the real world is tough. This engagment is actually my second-my first was to my highschool sweetheart who I lost to cancer several years ago. I know heartache and I know how I must sound weeping over my fiance leaving when I should be so overjoyed with the fact that Im having a baby! Something I never expected I would be able to do! So I guess

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Avatar for cmkristy
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2005
Hi there,

Welcome to the board and congratulations on your precious little miracle that is on the way!

I can certainly understand why you are hurt and confused. I totally agree that he has no right to treat you this way. Regardless of how scared he is, he should be there for you right now (especially if this is something he wanted too!). Are you able to have any kind of effective communication with him right now? If so, do you think he'd be open to talking to a family counselor about what's going on?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2012
If he is open, I would go to engagement encounter weekend. After that weekend together, you will go into a relationship with eyes wide open and what the issues are or will know how to move forward. Counseling is always good - no matter what . . .hang in there. . .
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012

Just wondered how you are doing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2012

Thank you all so much for your thoughts! Im sorry it took me so long to get on here and respond. The last couple of weeks have actually been pretty rough. I found out after my first ultrasound that the baby is not growing the way it should be and its heart beat is very weak. They did some test and found out that because of scar tissue from my cancer and PCOS my body is not producing any progesterone to support the baby. Right away my doctor put me on a progesterone supplement that I take 3 times daily and a progesterone shot that I get twice a week. These have made me SO sick! I havent been able to hold anything on my stomach for two weeks, and unfortunately Ive dealt with it all alone :( My fiance never came around. He went to one appointment with me, the first heartbeat appointment, and I really got my hopes up that he was going to stick around but the spent the entire appointment playing on his phone and wanted nothing to do with us again after. Honestly, I somewhat think the only reason he asked to go to the appointment was in hopes that it wasnt real :( So Ive been trying to get through the hormone changes alone. And then last week I went in for my checkup (which I have 3 of a week) and my blood pressure was 162/108 and my heart rate was 146. They added to more medications to my already insane list of medications but so far we have not had any luck getting my vitals back to normal. And as of last Friday Im being monitored daily for functions of my other organs because I myself am now at a very high risk. We knew when we decided to conceive that because of my health it was risky for me to try, but being a mother is something Ive wanted my entire life and I just didnt want to give that up without a fight. And now Im fighting for the life of my baby and myself. And my fiance doesnt seem to care in the least. I told him about

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2012
Hello my name is Jenni,

I know exactly what u mean and how you feel, me and my ex weren't really trying but we knew it was going to happen, we weren't using protection, he would make comments about me bring late, and looking beautiful pregnant, soon after I found out I was pregnant and it was over, I called texted did whatever to at least try to keep him involved in my baby's life but he Hastings showed up once or texted, I've given him plenty of chances, I found out I have cancer cells but don't know how bad yet, because I'm pregnant, I have very very low iron levels I had them before but being pregnant increased them, I get very bad kidney infections from time to time both pregnant and not and other things I also have the long list of medications and my baby being a 50/50 chance and me possibly not having anymore, he knows this all and I still got nothing from him, first I was sad, y and how can he do this to me?, then I hated him and just wanted to tell him the meanest things ever!, now I just don't care for him I'm not mad, upset, or anything like that he can live his life, o won't bother him I don't want him to bother me I'm feeling happy and great with my blessing who is a boy!! I'm due March 25th 35 weeks today!!!! Haven't seen him since the first week of September or talked to him the first week of December, GOD DON'T GIVE YOU THINGS YOU CAN'T HANDLE, ENJOY YOUR BLESSING AND BE GLAD YOUR FAMILY IS BY YOUR SIDE,

I WISH YOU AND YOUR BABY THE BEST!!
THIS TIME IS ABOUT YOU NOT HIM XOXO!!! JENNI
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2012

Jenni,

Thank you so much for sharing you story! Im so sorry that you have been through this as well, but there's comfort in knowing that there is hope for peace in the future! Like you said, all Ive hoped for the last couple of weeks is a text or a phone call to show that he cares in someway about me and the baby We go to a private chrisitian school so im already losing my education over this because they do not allow unmarried pregnant women on campus. And thus far Ive left his name out of dealing with the university because I dont want us both to settle for less than our dream careers, despite the fact that there would have never been an issue with the school had we just stuck to the marriage as planned, but he still cant even concern himself with the health of his child? I gave up on our perfect family scenerio a long time ago and Im not the kind of person who can make myself beg someone to be with me. But all Ive asked is for him to such a little bit of compassion :( But Im so glad that youve found your strength so quickly and that you are so close to meeting your precious little one! Ill keep you in my prayers over the next month and hope for a stress free and quick delivery!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2012
Thank you for your response,

Yes Im the same way you cannot force someone or beg someone to be with you or change their mind or feeling in a situation, it unfortunate that you have to stop your education in general, I hope you can continue afterwards,, the thing I.had told my ex was that "if I was sick his child was also sick " it didn't seem to bother him at all so generally I don't need someone who don't even care about the well being about his son in my life. God has given me the strength to turn a negative situation into an extremely positive one, I love being pregnant and my little blessing! I do at rare times feel kinda hurt but I know god don't give you anything you can't handle, and he has something great instore for wonderful women like ourselves who fight for what's right!
thank you for your best wishes, I hope god gives you the strength,
Wish u the best ending to your pregnancy, just be patient, good things will come, just continue to fight threw it,

Truly, Jenni :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2012

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2012

I so appreciate everything you have written! Youre absolutly right, we are going to be just fine. Better than fine, incredible! Ive been admitted to the hospital twice so far, and I get a progesterone shot/blood work twice a week and my fiance has been to two appointments!?!? Yesterday I finally just reminded myself of that old saying, "If you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell dont deserve me at my best!" (: I know that between the shots, hormones and the nine meds Im on a day that my personality is not the same that it was three months ago..but honestly, is any pregnant womans?!?! Haha. But if he cant be here for me now, while Im miserably sick and more than anything just need the mental support..he doesnt deserve me at all! And I have a feeling youre in the exact same boat! Ive officially made it to nine weeks three days! Twice the length of my miscarriage. I have an incredible doctor who, yeah has me on like nine different medications and shots that cost more than my rent :p , but he is SUCH an amazing doctor and Ive made it further in this pregnancy than my family or any of the doctors from my past ever imagined I could. I am so very blessed, and yeah I always imagined having the picture perfect family with a husband, baby, white picket fence...a fairy tale happy ending (: , but what I had lost site of...until Ill read your message, is how blessed I am to be where Im at today! You and I are going to be incrediblly strong and wonderfuly mothers, and in some ways we can thank our "insignificant" others for it. Haha. Its rough doing it alone. SO rough. But it is more than worth it. The first time I hear that precious baby cry..this is going to all seem so distant and pointless. He may have broken every promise he ever made me, and he shattered my heart in a way that I never imagined possible. But my fiance also gave me the best gift one person can ever give another! And thanks to messages like yours, and all of the other wonderful ladies on these boards, I can recognize that and spend the next 30 weeks focusing on what is really important. Thank you again for all of your kind words! Your child is so blessed to have such a strong and incredible mother!

Ashley

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2012
Your very welcome!!!!

Continue to do what you have to do to care for yourself and your child, I know some times are much more difficult than others, just be strong, because at the end of the day when you do really start to think about things, just remember that, that little bundle of joy is here with you, with you when u cry, with u when you laugh with you threw every single little thing, even after you have that baby he/she is the only person that will always continue to be their for you, so you being happy always makes your child happy :)

A mother is God, in the eyes of a child.

Continue to stay strong! I know your a strong women don't sad thoughts bring you down, always remember that theirs someone going threw the same as you are, and I have not given up nor do I plan to.

38 weeks today! Any day now!!
Always remember your in my prayers, and your never alone. NEVER GIVE UP!!!

Your friend, Jenni xoxo ;)

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