Pregnant and Single..

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2010
Pregnant and Single..
2
Tue, 05-18-2010 - 3:40pm

Anybody else feel that its completely unfair that these men can go out there and make babies, then when it comes down to it they can leave whenever they feel like it? I have a 4 year old daughter, and throughout her whole life her father has walked in and out whenever he pleases, and I've let him because when he's around he seems to make her happy. However, its an abusive relationship between him and I. I am nothing more to him then a dirty piece of yesterdays garbage (his own words). My daughter is being raised by mainly me and my parents. We had gotten back together about 8 months ago and decided (for some unknown reason to me now) that we wanted to have another baby. I got pregnant in December of 2009, and now I am 6 months and he wants nothing to do with any of us. Well, he says he does, however he would rather spend all of his time with his sisters kids, his nephews, and chooses them over his own daughter and unborn son. Whom he claims now is not even his, of course, typical jerk.


At this point I don't know why I keep trying to hang on to him anymore. He makes me

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2010
Tue, 05-18-2010 - 11:15pm
Yeah, I feel ya! My husband is a real piece of work. Most of the time I feel like my baby will be better off without him. Then I worry that I am being selfish because *I* don't want to deal with him for the rest of my life. He is abusive, and I believe he has narcissistic personality disorder. One week he wants "the kid to be okay" and the next he doesn't even believe that it's his, which is ridiculous. We have only been married since August. He physically assaulted me on the last day of our honeymoon, and it was a downward spiral from there. In November, I called the police on him and in January, moved to a different state. By the end of January, I had myself convinced that I should give it another go because we were married after all, it was a sickness, and he was really trying to get better. We moved to New York City together, thinking that it would facilitate our reconciliation, and I ended up getting pregnant on the second night we were there. By the end of the first week, I was ready to leave again because he had already become verbally abusive. It was like he replaced the physical with verbal. While scrambling to adjust to nyc, find a job, and figure out where I was going to go, I found out I was pregnant. So of course I decided to stay and see if it would work out. At first, he was really excited about the baby. Then he started to become distant and always wanted to hang out with his friends rather than me. I couldn't go with him because they all smoke in their houses, and I wasn't going to sit in that toxic environment, or the bar. Oh did I mention he is a recovering alcoholic hanging out with a bunch of drunks? Then I found out my mom has breast cancer, and we also had severe problems with our living situation and crazy landlord. Everything in my soul was telling me to move back home, so I convinced him that it was his idea, and it was for the health of the baby because living in nyc was soooo stressful for me, and he was being a big hero by staying and working there until we could afford a place back home. I even believed it myself for awhile. Then his abandonment issues kicked in, and he wanted me to feel the way he felt. He never wanted to talk to me on the phone, and when he did all he would do was go on about his work and friends. He blatantly refused to talk about the baby, and when I would confront him, I was controlling, crazy, a bitch, all the typical abuser lines. I got fed up and told him I wanted a divorce and we could co-parent, because it was never going to work out between us and I wasn't about to raise a child in the type of environment our relationship created. Well, because I took control away from him, he freaked out and told me how he would always hate the baby because he would look at it and see me, and that if I tried to "force" him to be a part of the child's life, he would never show it any love and it would always wonder why its dad didn't care about it. Needless to say, after this I was completely ready to cut him out totally, and I didn't even care about support as long as my child never had to see him. Now he sends me an occasional email asking for an update, and claims he wants to be a part of "the kid's" life. I am so torn because unfortunately, he *is* the baby's father, and I don't know that it's fair to deny my child of knowing him. I fear the worst, but I can't predict the future and it could turn out that the baby is better off knowing its father and his side of the family. I suppose it's a wait and see thing. It makes me so sad to see the couples in the waiting room at the doctor's office, while I am there alone. I felt sorry for myself for awhile, and still do occasionally. For days I cried, mourning the loss of the fantasy I held about being in love and pregnant. All I can do is focus on the fact that my stbx abusive husband will never change, and if I were to raise a baby in that environment, I could never forgive myself. It's easier now that the love I had for him has dissipated, but it's still really hard when I think about who I'm going to have at the Bradley Method classes, and going through a divorce as a brand-new mom. My wedding/honeymoon was a catastrophe, just like every other supposedly happy event seems to end up in my life. I can really relate to how you feel about always suffering the worst consequences of every situation. For now I am just trying to focus on this little peanut in my belly, send positive energy into the universe about his or her existence, and stop feeling so freakin sorry for myself. We are stronger than we ever give ourselves credit for, and we can do this without a man. Especially one that doesn't care about anything but himself. We're better off alone, well, for the next few months anyway! Remember that even though everything didn't work out as you planned or hoped, it all comes down to that little baby inside of you. Enjoy your pregnancy. You're not the only one going through this kind of thing, and in the end, it will be all worth it. Chin up!
<div><a target=_blank href=http://www.pregnology.com/pregnancy/11/07/2010><img border=0 width=450 height=185 src='http://www.pregnology.com/preggoticker2/777777/000000/My%20pregnancy/11/07/2010.png' alt='Pregnancy%20ticker'></a>&lt
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2010
Tue, 05-18-2010 - 11:43pm

Thank you for posting that reply. Its good to know there are others (not good you went through it) but good to know that I'm not the only one in the world feeling this kind of hurt. It sure feels sometimes that no one understands and everyone around you is happy, even if they're not, it just feels as if your problems are worse then everyone else around you. I will never stop wishing that he will take responsibility for his children and come around, I know it probably won't happen but its hard to stop wishing. I know it sounds terrible but I think the best thing I have done and will do again is give my daughter, and