2nd abortion

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2012
2nd abortion
1
Fri, 11-30-2012 - 6:04pm

I just had my 2nd abortion, at 9+2 weeks.  I only had my first abortion in June at 11+1 weeks :(

The last abortion messed me up BIG TIME.  i was suicidal and hysterical the day after, i screamed for SIX HOURS SOLID and i cut my wrists with a kitchen knife :(  I was hallucinating and hearing voices for weeks, and kept breaking down and going for aimless walks half dressed in pyjamas where i would lie down by the side of a canal :(  was not a good time in my life :(

One lingering after effect i had, even after i felt able to look after myself and my kids and move on with my life, and the hallucinateions all stopped; was the subconscious desire to turn back time and get pregnant again.  I would MITHER and PESTER my husband to finish off inside me unprotected.  i would really go on at him, and get aggressive, he would ask why i was like that and i would just break down and cry.  i knew i was playing with fire, i knew i would end up pregnant again and have to face another abortion, but i had no control over myself, i still wasnt in my right mind, i was still messed up from the abortion!  he would never give in to me and finish off unprotected, however he was happy to start off unprotected and put a condom in right at the very end... i knew in my heart that was risky but as i wasnt of sound mind i didnt care :(  he says he believed that would be safe.

ANyway, 4 months later i was pregnant again :(  at first i was adamant that i would never have another abortion, and my husband and I broke up over it for some time.  we got back together but things were strained.  i gradually came to terms with the fact that at this time another baby was not a good idea, we would be unable to support it and have to make unreasonable sacrifices for our other children, which wouldnt be fair.  it just isnt the right time to have a baby just as it wasnt 5 months ago.  i also started to realise that deep down i didnt want a baby now, i just convinced myself that i did because it was already there, and as that was easier than admitting that i didnt want to be pregnant :(

it was still a tough, heartbreaking, agonising decision, just as the previous one was :(  i was devastated.

I am doing much better than i was last time, i have had no suicidal thoughts whatsoever, and although i have had some meltdowns, they have not been hysterical or intense.

it's a horrible thing though to have to go through two abortions.  they are very tough to handle emotionally and a lot of support is needed.  this time i am put on a strong hormonal birth control which i am taking infront of a witness in case i go nuts again and try to get myself pregnant!!!  i DO NOT want that :(  i did not want it last time :(  i'm gutted that i was so messed up, that i was so vulnerable, that i got myself into the worst position i possibly could have :(  i punished myself by putting mysefl through it again :(

anyone who is in similar situation, please surround yourself by support!  and pleas dont end up like me.  the nurses at the hospital said that my case was very common, SO MANY women have some powerful instinctive drive to become pregnant again after they go through an abortion.  but it is just self destructive.  please learn from me!  it's not nice having one abortion, but havin g more than one, particularly when the second one was kind of because you got pregnant as if on purpose in a way, it's just not something i would recommend :(  

best way would prob be to ask for the IUD (coil) or the implant or the injection at the same time as your abortion, so it cant happen  (i was not allowed the IUD due to having 2 recent surgical abortions so close together plus a recent uterine perforation (from something else, not abortion) my uterus is too weak for one just yet.  and the impant dont agree with me!  so i am having to pop my pill infront of my husband and poke my tongue out so he can see i swallowed it!!  (my idea!) i will post my story below if anyone would like to read x

Avatar for cmkristy
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2005
Tue, 12-11-2012 - 11:09am

I just wanted to send a few (((HUGS))) your way.  I'm sure your decision to have an abortion (either time) was a very difficult one.  How are you feeling today?

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