Extremely Confused, Frustated, & Ashamed
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|Fri, 09-02-2011 - 11:06am|
I just found out via a pregnancy test a couple days ago that I am pregnant- though I had a strong feeling I was even before the tests due to swollen breasts and extreme nauseousness just to name a few. I have told my boyfriend and I have a called a clinic and I have an appointment for ultrasound/counseling on Wednesday- but that seems like a lifetime from now and I just needed to hear some words of advice. I have been reading some of the comments on here and I ask that people be honest with their opinions- I see a lot of "it will be alright" and "you're gonna come around in no time", or "motherhood is the best". And that doesnt really seem to be too helpful especially when right now I am feeling so hopeless.
I am 27 and my boyfriend and I been together (off and on a couple times) basically since we were 16. He is nervous but very excited and wants to keep the baby. I on the other hand am not so optimistic. I feel like to have this child is absolutely irresponible of us. Neither of us really has anything to call our own. We live at home with our parents, work part time, he has a car but I do not, and our parents support us heavily financially. I have nothing to offer this child other than love which honestly is not enough because that doesn't provide housing, health insurance, transportation, food, etc. And while abortion seems to be ideal- its by no means an easy decision to make. I am having a hard time accepting the idea that a child is blessing- this wasn't an accident. It's the result of what happens when you have unprotected sex and a sperm meets and egg, that's the science of it. Not really a mystery or miracle in my mind.
Just a disclaimer, we have been using birth control but when I lost my full time job I could no longer afford the ring and made a switch to the pill. We basically didn't wait long enough to let the new pills do their thing and thats how this happened. I haven't told anyone! For one, I'm too ashamed and mad at myself. I already know my family will not be supportive and it hurts enough to just know that- I don't want to experience the pain of it being reality. Also, if i do decide to go with the abortion I don't want to be judged or looked at like a monster. When I think of having the baby v. having an abortion both decisions leave me sick to my stomach.
I just don't feel ready- not ready for the changes my body will go through, this past month has been hell and I have missed a lot of work that I cannot afford to keep missing. Not ready to think about someone other than myself. I just got my passport and in the process of getting a visa to start traveling. I keep thinking of things I won't be able to do- I feel selfish, which is all the more reason I just don't think I am ready to be a mom.
In short- I don't know which way to go or how to sort these emotions.