Extremely Confused, Frustated, & Ashamed

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2011
Extremely Confused, Frustated, & Ashamed
Fri, 09-02-2011 - 11:06am

I just found out via a pregnancy test a couple days ago that I am pregnant- though I had a strong feeling I was even before the tests due to swollen breasts and extreme nauseousness just to name a few. I have told my boyfriend and I have a called a clinic and I have an appointment for ultrasound/counseling on Wednesday- but that seems like a lifetime from now and I just needed to hear some words of advice. I have been reading some of the comments on here and I ask that people be honest with their opinions- I see a lot of "it will be alright" and "you're gonna come around in no time", or "motherhood is the best". And that doesnt really seem to be too helpful especially when right now I am feeling so hopeless.

I am 27 and my boyfriend and I been together (off and on a couple times) basically since we were 16. He is nervous but very excited and wants to keep the baby. I on the other hand am not so optimistic. I feel like to have this child is absolutely irresponible of us. Neither of us really has anything to call our own. We live at home with our parents, work part time, he has a car but I do not, and our parents support us heavily financially. I have nothing to offer this child other than love which honestly is not enough because that doesn't provide housing, health insurance, transportation, food, etc. And while abortion seems to be ideal- its by no means an easy decision to make. I am having a hard time accepting the idea that a child is blessing- this wasn't an accident. It's the result of what happens when you have unprotected sex and a sperm meets and egg, that's the science of it. Not really a mystery or miracle in my mind.

Just a disclaimer, we have been using birth control but when I lost my full time job I could no longer afford the ring and made a switch to the pill. We basically didn't wait long enough to let the new pills do their thing and thats how this happened. I haven't told anyone! For one, I'm too ashamed and mad at myself. I already know my family will not be supportive and it hurts enough to just know that- I don't want to experience the pain of it being reality. Also, if i do decide to go with the abortion I don't want to be judged or looked at like a monster. When I think of having the baby v. having an abortion both decisions leave me sick to my stomach.

I just don't feel ready- not ready for the changes my body will go through, this past month has been hell and I have missed a lot of work that I cannot afford to keep missing. Not ready to think about someone other than myself. I just got my passport and in the process of getting a visa to start traveling. I keep thinking of things I won't be able to do- I feel selfish, which is all the more reason I just don't think I am ready to be a mom.

In short- I don't know which way to go or how to sort these emotions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2011
Fri, 09-02-2011 - 7:56pm

I'm in a kind of similar situation, but I have had an abortion.

What I can tell you is, abortions suck. They can be painful, and you will never forget. Every year around the anniversary I am sad. I went to councelling after the fact and it helped, but I really never forget.

I know I made the best decision for me due to the circumstance. I was living in an apt my parents owned with an abusive partner, still in school with so much left to do. I wanted to finish school, get rid of the boyfriend, and be in a position that I would be able to say "im ready". As much as sometimes I hate myself for doing it and feel really selfish, i KNOW i made the best decision for myself.

I am super pro-choice, but it is a genuinely hard decision.

I think, if there are still things you want to experience in life before having a child, like travelling (which would likely become impossible), then you need to focus on you, and making your life whole before having a child. There is nothing to be ashamed of in that.

Myself I am in a position where I do want to have kids & a family, i'm just not sure if I can afford it just yet.

If you do decide to keep it, will you have the support of your family? Is your boyfriend willing to step up and maybe get a second job to be financially supportive?

I'm not sure where you live, but at abortion clinics here they have pre-termination councilling. I went to it, and it helped me see clearly what I needed to do, and I continued the councilling afterwards as well. Maybe try and book an appointment with a councillor that is specific for that, and see how you feel about it. I think you will know in your gut what you want to do, and whichever your decision is, you are not being selfish. If you want to wait until you're truely ready, then thats what you need to do. If you want to go forward with it, then do that. You have to do what YOU feel comfortable with, not anyone else, not your freidns, family, or your boyfriend. YOU will be the primary caregiver, so the decision is entirely up to you.

Not sure if this is helpful, if you have any specific questions please feel free to send me a msg directly.

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2011
Sun, 09-04-2011 - 12:27pm
Thank you so much for sharing your experience and being so honest. It's so helpful.

To answer your questions: I know that my family would not be supportive if I do decide to keep the baby. And while my boyfriend is extremely supportive and ready to step up to the plate so to speak, its just not the way I envisioned things happening. I guess right now I am just struggling with trying to decide if I am willing to take this change of course in life that I never saw myself going in or have the abortion to keep going with my plans. It's hard to tell what's "right".

Thank you for your suggestions and kind words it really did help me to feel less alone and to know someone else understands and I'm not cold hearted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2011
Sun, 09-04-2011 - 5:27pm

Just remember that it's okay to be selfish. If YOU want to have the baby, have it.

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2007
Sat, 09-10-2011 - 5:50am

Hi, I just wanted to reply because I


expecting our rainbow baby in December, 2013

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2005
Fri, 09-16-2011 - 9:23am
I have very little in the way of advice for you though I am sympathetic to your situation. I feel overwhelmed and apprehensive about my pregnancy and we have a pretty stable life. So it must be doubly hard to have all those external stresses. Maybe discuss it with your family and get some outside opinions.

Also, in my area there are a few places that offer you health insurance even as a part time worker. All grocery stores because of the grocers union. And I have heard Starbucks and target do as well. Maybe working at one of those places could help take away one stress.

Good lick to you. Be confident in whatever decision you make. A baby is a wonderful blessing but a lot if work. You just need to be prepared.
Lilypie First Birthday tickers
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2007
Mon, 10-31-2011 - 3:40am
i just came across your post. i am in the same boat and was wondering what you decided., i just want to hear somebody elses thoughts


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2011
Mon, 11-14-2011 - 11:09pm
I just wanted to let you know that you really have 9 months to decide if you want to keep the baby or not. Maybe your life circumstances will change? Maybe your family will be supportive once the initial shock wears off? Maybe you will find a way to financially take care of yourselves?

Even if you don't, there is always adoption. If you do choose this option, just know you are doing such a wonderful thing for a family that is dying for a baby of their own and what a wonderful thing you could do.

Whatever you decide I hope you do lots of research and choose what is best for you and your family!