I've just been at work crying all day

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2009
I've just been at work crying all day
Wed, 09-02-2009 - 7:48pm

I am 33 years old, I have a 12 year old daughter, and found out a couple of weeks ago that I am pregnant by my partner of 2.5 years. I thought really that this is what we wanted, but this news has refocussed all my doubts about my SO. He is very supportive, very happy and proud, trying to make sure I relax, eat well, don't take aspirin, don't smoke, find a doctor. He's also told me its over if I terminate, although I would say from experience that statement was not heartfelt exactly.

But I am so upset, this feels so wrong to me. I just keep having flashbacks to when I was 20 and pregnant with my first child. My bf was very supportive and got a good job, promissed to support me. 13 years later, the last time I saw him was when I was 7 months pregnant, he's never met his daughter, we've occasionally emailed for logistical reasons. We never had any fights, he just disappeared. I am older and wiser now, but I feel like I'm just making the same mistake over again.

My doubts-
Major things- SO has very little contact with his children from his first marriage. He hasn't really explained this me, but I've spent enough time on the phone and emailing with his ex to know that she is CRAZY. I mean, he has stab wounds all up and down his side from her (she tells me to just "show him the knife"), she cut off his long hair one time when he was sleeping, when he asks to email photos of his kids, she emails photos of her (not her and the kids, just her).

Second, he's an immigrant and I think there will problems adjusting his status to be a permanent resident. Do-able (ie requiring a waiver) but a lot of money and drama, and I would have to consider living abroad.

There are other things, but mostly we have a pretty good relationship, I just can't tell if my doubts are pregnancy hormones, or I am being really stupid walking into this knowing what I know. I don't want to be the single mother of two children with absent fathers. I know if I go ahead with this and everything falls apart like I'm afraid of, I will favor adoption, but I know my SO won't agree to adoption - although I can't imagine him showing up to take the kid off my hands (what then?). I'm really torn. I have one child, and I have had an abortion, and both times I knew what I was going to do very early on and never wavered, and no regrets. This time though, I'm just a mess. I can't bring myself to make any kind of doctors appointment. Although I have been taking prenatal vitamins, etc...

Please any words of support would help. I think I need to see a pregnancy counselor, but I'm afraid they're all kind of skewed towards one view: pro-adoption, pro-abortion, and anti-abortion.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Fri, 09-04-2009 - 5:00pm

You should try to decide based on how you personally are feeling, not how your boyfriend feels. He's told you he'll leave you if you terminate, but as you know from experience, there's no guarantee that he won't also leave you if you continue the pregnancy.

There's a really good website here that has a workbook to try to help you make your decision. It seems very neutral to help you look at all the pros and cons of every option:


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2008
Sat, 09-05-2009 - 1:27am
i know the feeling...i myself found out i was pregnant on monday and i stopped crying yesterday...myBF was pushing toward an abortion though...i was confused and not to mention i just had a baby 5 months ago via c/s so i was scared and honestly i dont want another baby but i sucked it uup..welll sorta i havent made a drs appt but im taking prenatal vitamins my bf is not too happy that im keeping it but you know what its me goin thru the pregnancy not him and ive been raising DD on my own because well we has issues and we dont live together so i can do it again itll be harder becauae DD is a baby herself but in the end its my decision and all you can ask for is support that and i also believe i didnt get pregnant by pure chance (i was on the pill) but things happen for a reason i mean you never know maybe this is blessing in disguise...good luck in whatever your desicion is and you're not alone...


Nothing in this world can replace the bond a mother & daughter have. Everyday is a learning process but I wouldn't have it any other way. You're my everything.