Need support, No Judgement please

Avatar for mom2willnbrendan
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2003
Need support, No Judgement please
7
Sun, 08-16-2009 - 9:38am

So I discovered yesterday that I am pregnant again. I wish I could say this was happy news, but it's not. I'm a 30 year old woman and I have been married to my husband (28) for almost 2 years. I have three wonderful children from a previous marriage. People always would ask when we were going to have a child together and hes always says, "never". Needless to say, he's not on board here. Some history...4 years ago when we started dating we found ourselves pregnant after the first time we made love (his first time ever). I had just divorced and it was a very unsure time. My husband (then bf) insisted I terminate and so I did. I made the appt without thinking and went through with it without ever taking time to consider my options. I never thought abortion would be an option, but there I was. Now 4 years later, here we are again. My husband will not consider any option other than terminating, he is very angry and saddened by our situation. I'm not sure what I want to do. Out marriage isn't rock solid and I'm not sure I want to have a baby with him. He's also a terrible step-father with major anger issues and would most likely be incapable of being any help with a newborn. I am also beginning a surgical technology program and cannot miss more than two days without being dropped from the program and the stress and time involved would definitely not be conducive to a pregnancy or vice versa. It was a very difficult program to get into and I do not want to jeopardize my position. The timing is just horrible and I am sick and confused. The thought of terminating again kills me but the alternative isn't a better option for us right now either.

I am a mess right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
Sun, 08-16-2009 - 11:18am

can i ask you a question? you said that when someone asked you when you guys were going to have kids he would say never.... what would YOU say?

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Avatar for mom2willnbrendan
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2003
Sun, 08-16-2009 - 12:03pm

Thank you for your response. I always laughed it off when he said never to children. We have talked about future kids and the fact is I wasn't sure I wanted anymore either...but I wasn't 100% closed off to the idea. Part of me is very content with three children, all in school, out of diapers...you get the idea. But then you know, you see that small baby and your uterus begins to ache, lol.

As for the marriage...I guess I'm still here because after one failed marriage, I am trying desperately to make this one work. He is trying to work on his issues but I guess (as you can tell) I'm not sure there will definitely be a future for us...but for now I haven't given up entirely. That is part of the reason I went back to school. I left an amazing career in S.Fl to move with him by his family. I have no one here and only work part-time at HIS family's restaurant. If I leave now I would not be able to support myself or my children, much less be able to afford childcare for a newborn, etc..

And for school...you cannot ensure that you will not miss class...there's always a possibility of bed rest and of course labor/delivery. Best case scenario I could have a perfect pregnancy, give birth and two days later be back. But of course then I'd have to hire someone to watch my newborn that I would never have time for and can not afford. And yes, they can kick you out of the program sadly. I should of clarified that it is clinicals that you cannot miss. It is very clearly stated in our manual that more than two absences from clinicals will result in expulsion from the program regardless of circumstances, excused, unexcused, medical, or otherwise. It is a time sensitive program with very little leeway so there would be too much missed material and therefore you would be a risk to the hospital and patients and would be required to reapply to the program.

I do want this baby, just not now. Isn't that just horrible? I feel awful just saying it. If this were year from now, I probably wouldn't consider termination at all regardless of my husbands feelings...but now...I'm torn. I have thought about
adoption too and that is not option. I would still be pregnant these next 9 months and lets face it, I would never be able to let my baby go. I must sound like such a hypocrite and come of as very selfish. I do thank you and anyone else who responds here. I'm not expecting to hear anything in particular. I'm just so confused and need an outlet. Perhaps someone is in or has been in a similar situation. I truly appreciate all sincere responses.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Sun, 08-16-2009 - 1:36pm

You're the best person to decide what's best for you. It sounds like you really don't want to have a baby right now, but that you're also really upset that he's not even willing to discuss the issue.

So you have the problem at hand now, but you've also got the future to look at. It might be good to do some counseling together to at least talk about this. And I'd have to say, if he's deadset against having a child, why hasn't he gone and gotten a vasectomy? That's far easier than what you've gone through.

Avatar for mom2willnbrendan
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2003
Sun, 08-16-2009 - 2:06pm
Thank you kellyann...I think you hit the nail on the head. I guess I'm saddened by the fact that he immediately jumped to termination without so much as a concern for what I wanted or was going through. I did accuse of him of being selfish for thinking that this was affecting only him. He said he didn't care. That was yesterday. Today he has been wonderfully supportive of me BUT only because I am considering what he wants. I think I will force him to sit down and have a lengthy conversation with me making sure we discuss all feelings/options. Then maybe I can feel better about whatever decision we choose to make.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2006
Tue, 08-18-2009 - 9:30am

I think you really need to talk to your DH. Not just about this pregnancy but about any future ones as well. It is not fair to put the whole burden on you if he doesn't want kids and really if he is so adamant he should have a vas.

RIght now it sounds like you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. Figure out what you want for yourself and then see if there is a way to do it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2008
Sun, 09-06-2009 - 3:32pm

Hello,


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
Thu, 12-17-2009 - 10:32pm

No judging from me here.