(Probably) Pregnant - How do I tell him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2012
(Probably) Pregnant - How do I tell him?
Mon, 05-21-2012 - 12:20pm

Hey guys. I could use some advice!

I'm 29, and a single mother of an 8 year old boy. Almost completely divorced (it's taking forever), and I've been with my boyfriend for going on 9 months now.

In December, I found out that I was pregnant, and had an abortion in January. It was the hardest and worst thing I have ever done, and I have been having severe mood swings and bouts of depression ever since. I told my boyfriend that if the issue arose again, I would not have another abortion, it messed me up way too much. He says he understands.

We're a good, strong couple. My son and my BF love each other and get along famously, which is great, as that is probably the worst fear of any single mother who is dating. My life is good, great even, aside from my mental issues, which I'm working on. Jesse (my boyfriend) has plans for us even, plans that we talk about all the time. Moving in together in a year or so, adopting my son (if my absent ex-husband will give up his rights - not holding my breath on that one though, given that he lives to make me miserable), being a family.

The thing is though, I think I'm pregnant again, and I haven't told him yet. I don't want to until I'm sure.

Jesse is afraid. Not of being a father - he'd be a great one to my son - but of creating a life. He has problems, ADD, anxiety, bouts of depression worse than mine, and he doesn't want to put that on a child. What I think he doesn't realise though, is that IF a child of his was born with all the problems he has (which is unlikely), I believe that he'd be uniquely qualified to handle it. To help his child through the rough spots, to know what signs to look for. Because he's been through so much, he would know how to help someone going through it themselves. God knows, he helps me.

If I am pregnant, I want to keep the baby. But not if I'm going to be doing it alone. Last time, Jesse was great. He made the decision about me and what I wanted and needed to do, not about him or what he wanted. Still, I know my decision to have an abortion was a huge relief to him, and that the news that I'm pregnant again will make him panic.

However, if I do keep the baby, there are other issues. My parents - while helpful and supportive - are also very controlling. They don't know I'm dating Jesse - I brought up the possibility a while ago and they threatened to cut me out of their lives. If I tell them that I'm pregnant, there is no doubt in my mind that I will lose them. So, if I keep this baby - with or without Jesse - I will have no family. And honestly? If that's the way they're going to be, if they don't want to see how happy I am, and they don't want to be a part of it, fine. That's their decision, not mine, and there's nothing I can do to change that. It's their loss.

But how do I tell Jesse? How do I spin it? How do I make him realise that this is a wonderful thing, and not the stuff of nightmares that he's convinced himself it is? Because though I never really planned on having more children, now that I'm faced with having his and keeping it, I want to.

I know you guys can't tell me what to do, but telling me what YOU would do? That would help.

Thank you so much.


PS. I know I need to take a test, I'm 4 days late now (and have been under stress), so I'm waiting until Wednesday. But really, I've done this so many times (1 child, 1 abortion, 6 miscarriages), I'm like 99.9% sure I'm pregnant, so I'm planning ahead.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2011
Thu, 08-16-2012 - 10:43am
Letzgoracing81 wrote:
The other factor....your family. It is amazing how easily a baby can bring a family back together. Even if they do withdraw emotionally/physically from you after breaking the news....know that the sight of that baby will probably be all it takes to bring them back around.

Yep, I'd have to agree with this. Have you confirmed your pregnancy yet?  If so did you tell your boyfriend the news yet?  How did it go? Please stop back by and update us when you have a chance.  HUGS!!


Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.~ Dr Seuss