Still in disbelief....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2006
Still in disbelief....
11
Thu, 07-09-2009 - 8:39pm

This is my first time posting on this board, i have been with ivillage since i was pregnant with my first baby, so i hope no one minds if i vent, share my story, ask for advice, etc...


So here goes...I have been married for 7 years (in August) have three great kids, ages 5 1/2, 4 and 19 months, all born by c-section. I was supposed to get my tubes tied,but i chickened out at the last minute; DH promised he would eventually get snipped...but, it didn't happen. I am still BF my youngest, and was on the mini pill for a while, but i had some yucky side effects from it, so i switched to FAM and condoms..although my charts have been very erratic, i guess due to breastfeeding still...


So, i have been feeling kind of wierd, super hungry, tired, moody,crampy. Thought it was AF, but no such luck. And despite going to the gym 5 days a week, i have ceased losing weight....i finally broke down and took a test and it's..yep, +.


The problem? DH is out of work, i have no insurance, because we are the primary caretakers of his grandmom who has alzheimer's (she is going to a nursing home in October/November); i had insurance thru my employer but i had to cut back on my hours due to the constant care needed for her.


I haven't told anyone. Not a soul, not even DH. I honestly feel this would be the breaking point in our marriage, we have been thru many ups and downs, and our last baby was a HUGE SUPRISE, and it took both of us quite a while to come to grips with having another baby, although now i can't imagine her NOT being here.


I just don't know what to do. I know i need to talk to my boss about getting insurance, going back to full time (which is going to be stressful on DH,as he will have the kids AND his grandmom for 45 hours a week)....I know i could qualify for medical assistance, but i am afraid; i had the same dr deliver all of my babies and this would be my 4th c-section, i dont' want to go to someone i don't know or trust.


I am just in shock, i dont' even know what to do. And even though i am 29, i still worry about everyone's reaction; i know my entire family is going to think so badly of me for getting into this position when we are barely scraping by as it is.


I appreciate any thoughts, and thanks so much for letting me get this off of my chest.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2009
Thu, 07-09-2009 - 10:29pm

I love all your signs, mostly the lefty one! I'm a lefty too!! We are the best ;)!

You know, I'm sort of young and have had a scare just this past month. A total shocker at first, but then we realized I wasn't prego. I had been so consumed on what to do, because like you we are not in the position to have a child right now. And after talking with my husband, he reassured me that things would be fine and he's behind me with whatever decision I made.
Before getting scared with a pregnancy, I was dead set on getting an abortion if I did get pregnant because we are not in settled yet. But when the idea came about and talking with DH, I just couldn't do it. I sat there crying, talking with my mother because it seemed like it would be better NOW, but what about the future.
Talk with your best friend, husband, mother, anyone you can trust! They will give you some insight, mostly your husband. It may be hard after having another baby, but how do you think you would feel having an abortion?
You need to talk to DH, you need to tell him!!!
Good luck!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2006
Fri, 07-10-2009 - 6:42am

Thank you for your reply! I am working up the nerve to at least start talking, maybe to my best friend...


I am definetely pro-choice, but after knowing my children, i don't think

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
Fri, 07-10-2009 - 2:58pm

def talk to your boss. but just one thing. with the INS. if you have to sign up for health insurance again, they may consider the pregnancy a pre- exsisting condition. my good friend

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2006
Fri, 07-10-2009 - 7:56pm

"so they refused to cover her. but she didnt qualify for medical assistance at that time either, so her entire pregnancy was CASH... and that ended in a c-section too.."


Well, then i am screwed. I barely make $18,000 to support a family of 5, and i remember seeing my bill from my last c-section,(which was covered by my employer-sponsored insurance)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2009
Sat, 07-11-2009 - 3:06am

Hi, Stephanie.


I've never posted on this board (only lurked recently), but after reading your messages I just feel I need to reach out to you. Your situation sounds very stressful and although I can relate to parts of what you are going through, I can't imagine going through all of it simultaneously.


First things first, I agree with everyone else about telling your husband. I know it's petrifying, but it's his mess too and you guys need to be able to come to some decisions together--whatever those decisions might be.


As for abortion (someone brough that up in a message), I personally am VERY pro choice. I did want to say, however, that right after DH and I got engaged (we were 25 yo at the time and he was finishing law school) I found out I was pregnant. Shocked b/c I was on birth control pills at the time (apparently the other meds I was taking effected their effectiveness). To make a long story short, DH and I couldn't agree on what to do. He wanted me to have an abortion, I didn't want to b/c I felt we were old enough to be responsible, we were already engaged, I didn't want to have regrets, etc., etc. Well, in the end, we were deadlocked. We realized one of us had to budge and at that time in my life, I didn't want to have a child that my soon-to-be-husband would regret. I broke down and had an abortion (I should also say that I was worried about the health of the child b/c I was on BCP while I got pregnant). Anyhow, although my life has turned out wonderfully, I have never stopped thinking about that "baby" and have always had regrets. It took a toll on us and for many years I had some anger issues towards my husband about how he "made me kill my baby," etc. Luckily we worked through it all and after some subsequent miscarriages, were able to have two healthy little girls (by c-sections, as well).


Fast forward to this year. . .I had always wanted a third child. After my second DD I had an ectopic and then 2 years later a m/c. We just finally agreed we were "done" and I even went so far as to tell DH to schedule an appointment with a urologist about getting snipped. He did and the appointment was supposed to be June 18th. Well, needless to say that appointment never happened b/c 2 weeks before the appointment I found out I was pregnant. GULP. HOW? WHEN? I thought we had been careful.


So, I told DH and I admit, he was pissed for a few weeks. Not AT me, but just angry at himself and at us for having gotten in this situation. He made me feel so bad that I found myself not wanting the third child I had always thought I wanted. I couldn't stand to see him b/c he always looked pissed off at me. Well, luckily that passed and he has realized that there could be worse things in life then having another healthy baby. I was so relieved when he told me this and it's refreshing to be at a point where we are both excited about the idea of having another child.


Now, I will say that we aren't in the financial situation you are in, although like most people in the world today, times are tougher than usual and things are tighter. Can your husband get another job? Even if it's not in his field? What do you do for child care while you are at work? Could both of you work and still have child care? Can his mother go in to a nursing home any earlier (although Nov isn't THAT far off)? Are there any doctors in your area who do take Medical Assistance? Maybe one that your current doctor could recommend to you?


I know I have rambled and I probably haven't helped you very much, but there are resources out there that can help. Don't beat yourself up and try to work with your DH and not against him (I tend to do that with my DH and I find that I would take out my stress on him and treat him like the enemy. It's easy to over react when we are super stressed).


I'll send you lots of HUGS and PT that this all works out for you and your family.

Siggy Sisters
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2006
Sat, 07-11-2009 - 7:07am

Jamie~thank you so much for sharing your story, your girls are adorable! I admit it is refreshing to be able to 'talk' to someone who is pro-choice, because my circle of friends and family is vehemently pro-life, so i can't discuss anything with them regarding this. I know, given my current situation, that abortion would probably be the smartest decision...BUT. I don't think i can do it.


I am filing paperwork to apply for health insurance thru Medical Assistance; i hate to be that person, i have never had the need to have government assistance, even when we are scraping by, we always make ends meet somehow. But i also don't want to delay recieving prenatal care;since i am breastfeeding, AF has been erratic, and i am not 100% sure how far along i am, i am estimating 6 weeks or so. Given my symptoms, that seems accurate.


My boss is on vacation for 2 weeks, but i plan on talking to her about picking up more hours, even if i can't use our insurance for this pregnancy, we ARE going to need the extra money. At least i am pretty close with my boss, so i am sure she will be surprised, but understanding.


DH is working on opening his own tattoo shop; we were planning on waiting til next year but he MAY have to move that up so that we can generate some income. Right now he stays home with our kids and his grandmother

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
Sun, 07-12-2009 - 1:44pm

dont feel bad for using the assistance. you pay into it through your taxes. you work hard. and

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2006
Sun, 07-12-2009 - 10:10pm

Heather~thanks so much for the tip about looking online for the application for medical assistance; i filled out the form tonight, and given my income & family size, it def. looks like i qualify. I do feel better about applying after reading your post, you are right, I do work hard, pay taxes, etc, in the event that i may need help...


And i have to admit i am a bit worried about recieving less quality care because of the medical assistance; i know realistically that isn't going to happen, but I am just so comfortable with my dr, plus this will be my 4th and FINAL c-section ( i am definetely going to get my tubes tied, no ifs, ands or buts about it!), which is major surgery, so i am nervous about having a new dr for that.


I have heard about the daycare assistance vouchers, and while DH is home while i work, since he will most likely be working more often after the baby is here, we will need some kind of help with affording it, so i will look into that as well.


Thanks again for all of your advice..i totally appreciate it!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2006
Sat, 08-08-2009 - 5:14pm

Hey Stephanie,


Don't forget to look into the WIC program and see if it is available in your state.



iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2006
Tue, 08-11-2009 - 9:43pm

Small update:


I tried to broach the subject with DH, and it did NOT go over well...basically he gave me the ultimatum that if i keep this baby, then he goes. No if's and's or but's about it. He will not raise a 4th child, and i am selfish to even think about having this baby :(


It makes me so sad and angry to think that i am going to end up being a single mom to 4 kids, i feel like such a statistic, when for the longest time, i felt like i had overcame the typical expectation of women in my town and family. I have tried so hard to do the right thing, my husband and i were married for 2 years before we had kids, i have always been hardworking, both at home and at work, and i feel like such a failure.


I am waiting for my insurance card to come in the mail so i can have my first prenatal appt; i am trying hard to be happy about this baby, because he/she isn't at fault, and deserves a mom who is excited about them.


Thanks ladies for letting me share and vent, and i promise to update if anything changes.

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