Daughter's Boyfriend

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2011
Daughter's Boyfriend
10
Tue, 07-26-2011 - 8:37pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Wed, 07-27-2011 - 2:48pm

I agree with everyone else. I've found that with my two dds, the more I criticize any friend or bf, the more they withdraw and become defensive. The less I say, the more likely they are to notice things themselves. The tough part is when they say something and you want to jump on it - "yeah, you THINK he might be lazy??? He's a bum!" I think what you're doing so far is smart - just asking about him, being noncommittal, etc

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 07-27-2011 - 2:44pm

Hi, we are in the same area--I work in Boston but was originally from Prov and my maiden name was Emma--and I'm a laywer, so I have all the bases covered.

I agree w/ everyone else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2011
Wed, 07-27-2011 - 1:52pm

His parents seem to be supporting him now and he had no loans from undergrad but i know nothing about a trust fund and when he was talking about law school he was talking about loans and establishing residency in colorado to go to the univ there.

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Wed, 07-27-2011 - 11:46am

Like the others said, there's nothing that you can do about it now since you are not personally impacted by his lack of ambition--its not like you're giving your dd gas money that she spends driving him around.

I would treat him like any other bf of dd's, invite him to the get-togethers etc. Keep asking him about his future plans, job prospects just like you would with anyone else. Your dd will probably realize eventually that he doesn't have the same level of ambition as she does, and she'll have to decide if she can live with that.

If/when she tells you that they want to get married you can express your concerns and hope that she hears them...I know of two marriages between ambitious hard-working young women and slacker men; one of them (the dd of a member here) ended after a couple of years but the other one has lasted 8 years and seems to be going strong, which completely amazes me.

Just wondering, are his parents supporting him? Do they seem to care that he's not doing anything? Is he due to get a trust fund when he turns 25 or something, so that he doesn't feel the need to work on building a career?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2011
Wed, 07-27-2011 - 9:13am

It's her life, I know. A wedding- that scares the stuffing out of me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2011
Wed, 07-27-2011 - 9:11am

ood advice thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2011
Wed, 07-27-2011 - 9:10am

thanks for the advice. i don't want to criticize but i do ask what he is up to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Wed, 07-27-2011 - 7:43am

You can't control who your DD chooses to date or how she chooses to live her life at this point... all you can do is be there to listen to her and emotionally support her.

Avatar for coldfingers
Community Leader
Registered: 04-30-2000
Tue, 07-26-2011 - 9:43pm

You can't 'do' anything. It really seems by what you said that your daughter has her head on straight. Job, continuing to get her masters, 3 female roomates that think the same way...

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Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Tue, 07-26-2011 - 9:28pm

As long as YOU are not supporting the bf, or supporting your dd who is turn supporting the bf, there is nothing TO do.