The break-up

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Registered: 01-05-2005
The break-up
9
Mon, 09-20-2010 - 7:54pm

I feel so bad for dd17. College has had some definite challenges, but the biggest one right now isn't the classes, it's her bf. She just started dating him at the end of this past school year. We liked him well enough, but we could see signs that he was not going to deal well with the separation. He's still a senior in HS, and doesn't like the idea of her being off at college having fun (in his mind) and him back home. He wanted to spend hours texting, skype constantly, and really didn't like her going out with other people (not dating, just hanging out with groups of kids). She finally said today, "I'm 17, I'm in college, and I want to be able to go out without worrying he'll be texting me constantly asking where I am and who I am with." She feels terrible about breaking up, though - she's always been a people pleaser and is so kind-

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
In reply to: theresa1107
Mon, 09-20-2010 - 11:42pm

Since she is doing the breaking up, it won't be as bad as if it were the other way round. When my dd broke it off with her fiance, the best thing we found, was to just reinforce her decision. Tell her she's a smart girl, and she knows what's best for her. Don't knock the boy. Do tell her she's making a very difficult, but WISE choice, to end things now. The relationship is very young, and altho he will be hurt for a little while, he'll recover quickly.

That's the one thing my dd said she would have changed--she stuck with him too long, trying to be a "good" girlfriend, even tho she knew he wasn't right for her. At her sister's wedding, the two of them stood up, and she realized that the thought of marrying him made her physically ill. But even then, it took her 6 MORE months to get the nerve to call it off.

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Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: theresa1107
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 9:56am
Sabr has good advice - just listen and reiterate that she made the right decision, that this is the time to focus on college and her new friends. Just don't mention that you figured this would probably happen ;-). Although being the one who does the 'breaking up' is easier in many ways it's still tough to hurt someone that you once cared about. Jason broke up with his gf of over 2 years in May and I know it was tough on him. He said he probably should have done it sooner - he'd known since Christmas or so that they weren't going to last - but it was just tough to know exactly how and when to do it.




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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
In reply to: theresa1107
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 10:13am

Sabrtooth/jlsjjsmom- how upset were your kids when they broke up? Dd really seems devastated! She's been crying quite a bit and wondering if she did the right thing. I think all the changes/losses of the last few years may be hitting her. I knew that they had been close before they were actually dating, but she told me last night that the last time they went two days without talking was when her dad died. I wish she weren't all alone at school. :(



Thanks for your advice- it's good to be reminded she'll get through it.



Theresa

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2008
In reply to: theresa1107
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 12:14pm

Sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders. It's never easy to break up with a high school sweetheart but she has so much time for love later. Right now she has so much to see and do and so much growing and changing to do as a person.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
In reply to: theresa1107
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 12:45pm
My dd was certainly NOT devastated. She cried a little at first, but after that, was mostly relieved. I'll tell ya tho, the times she DID cry after the beginning, were when the ex got thru to her, and said and did cruel, hurtful things.
Given the level of stalking she was enduring BEFORE she broke up with him, I would suspect he is hounding her, trying to get her to change her mind. He may even think if he upsets her enough, she will flunk out and come home. She may need to block her phone and her facebook from him. At least he is far enough away that he probably won't turn up on her doorstep, but YOU should be prepared to help her deal with things, should it turn ugly. You need to talk to her about putting distance between herself and him, and tell her to keep a log of ALL his stalking incidents, going back as far as she can remember, even before the break-up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
In reply to: theresa1107
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 7:52pm

YOU should be prepared to help her deal with things, should it turn ugly.



We will, but I hope it doesn't come to that. I wouldn't classify what he's done as stalking - she has other friends who want her to "hang out" with them just as much. Dd just doesn't have the time for lots of that, and she's not a huge Facebook person. She said that he was sad, but said he wasn't going to text her or hound her, and so far he hasn't. I know it's been hard on her, but I think she'll handle it well and let us know if anything gets out of hand.



Thanks for the btdt advice!



Theresa

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2010
In reply to: theresa1107
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 8:52pm
Hi Theresa,
I feel for you. I have 3 DD's and I have been through this many times. The best thing I have found out is to say as little as possible about the bf, and be as supportive and listen as much as possible. try and agree with her as much as you can. let her know he still needs to do "high school" things" and when she comes home for the holidays her friends will want to see her and hang out and her life will be completely changed!. She can have him for a friend forever and hopefully, in time he will see it that way too!

~Nancy
*********

Send your student off to the dorms in style..
with a touch of love & the comforts of home.
www.mymominabox.com

~Nancy
*********

Send your student off to the dorms in style..
with a touch of love & the comforts of home.
www.mymominabox.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: theresa1107
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 9:53pm
That's difficult but I think it's hard to maintain a relationship where they aren't together esp. when they haven't been dating that long. And being in high school & college are just very different. She needs to concentrate on where she is now and of course part of college is learning how to be on her own & making new friends. It's too bad he couldn't accept that. I know I had a high school BF & we only started going out near the sr. prom and then during the summer, but we were going to college really far away so we officially broke up because of the distance. It seemed a lot easier for him than it was for me. We did see each other on Christmas break but it just wasn't the same. I know it's so hard to see our kids sad about things we can't do anything about.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
In reply to: theresa1107
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 11:57pm

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I sincerely hope you're right, but these statements give me pause...
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You don't want to scare her, that's why I said "you" should be prepared if you need to intervene. If the crying doesn't go away pretty fast, I would definitely pry a little more info out of her. I've seen things get very bad with <> exs--and NOT just my dd's ex.