Dating sites, strangers and sex

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2006
Dating sites, strangers and sex
12
Thu, 09-13-2012 - 12:56pm

My DD is a 20 yo junior at a highly selective university.  She is exceptionally book-smart but really lacks any common sense at all.  I have passwords to many of her accounts because I feel the need to keep an eye on her.  I know that snooping is controversial..... and I don't snoop on my other 3 kids..... but I don't feel that I have a choice with her.  DD joined an online dating site several months ago.  In the past 3 weeks, she has invited strange men to her apartment or taken cabs to theirs in the middle of the night.  These are men that she has talked to no more than 10 minutes online who want to meet for sex and "smoking a bowl".  I am very fearful that she is putting herself at great risk.  I told her that I had seen her public profile on the dating site and that I embarrased by the profile she created.  She used her full, actual name on the site and has 3 pictures that are clearly her.  I told her that her profile will not attract the kind of men she should have anything to do with.    I stressed the danger of the site and disease and preganancy.  She said that she's never actually met anyone from the site.... which I know is a lie because I have the password to the account.  DD has suffered from depression / cutting in the past.  She see a counselor at school (or at least she says she does).  I said that I wanted the name of her counselor and wanted to either meet with the counselor or have email/phone contact.  I said that I'm concerned about her poor decision making and risk taking.  She refuses to give me this information.  DH refuses to pay her $700 rent (which is due tomorrow) until she provides a name.  Earlier this summer, DD was hired from a prestigious research position on campus because she was caught stealing.  DD has gained 50 pounds over the course of a year and a half.  I think that there is something wrong mentally and I think she needs help.  So.... what would you do in this situation?  Would you withold the rent?  Do you think I'm pushing too hard?  Thanks for reading! I'm at wits end.

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Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Sun, 09-16-2012 - 2:12pm

<<<...another sign that she is going down a self (destructive) path...>>>  BINGO.  This kid couldn't be be waving self-harm warning signs any plainer than if she tattooed them on her forehead.  This kid isn't meeting men in lonely places and having one-night stands because she doesn't know better.  Intelligence has NOTHING to do with mental and/or emotional disorders.  The smartest kid can and WILL commit suicide.  And I also totally agree that the information the OP found by snooping, places her in the very difficult position of not being able to act on it without revealing just how badly she has broken trust.  If *my* dd had gained a tremendous amount of weight by what I KNEW was drinking--and she was underage--and she had been fired from a job for stealing FOOD--I would not have let her out of my sight, much less sent her away to school.  And I would have BEGGED her to go to the Pdoc, and to let me sit in on some sessions, as well as getting counseling for myself.

My dds were ADD/ODD/OCD; I requested they commute to college--and they agreed.  They knew they were more at risk than the average bear, and that if they were home, Dh & I could better help them, if necessary.  I did not need to spy on them, or hack into their accounts--I just needed to be able to SEE them, to figure out if they were in trouble.  And they did have their problems, especially YDD, but we were able to intervene before the whole thing went pear-shaped. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 09-16-2012 - 5:49pm

I was also thinking that if someone wants casual sex, surely there are plenty of guys on campus who would be willing to oblige--in most college campuses today, finding someone to have sex with is pretty easy, so why bother to even go on line?  Don't have an answer for that one--unless she knows mom is monitoring her stuff & wants to freak her out, or she is sending a warning sign that she needs help.  Unfortunately making her take her profile down on one site is not solving the problem, since there are many OLD sites--some are well known, but there are also many "niche" sites.  And why would someone who has a paying job need to steal food?

Yes, my niece just graduated from college but seems to have some issues--nothing has ever been said by her parents about what those issues are but I'm thinking some sort of Aspergers because she seems very bright but socially just different, shall we say.  They haven't allowed her to get a driver's license.  Right now she is taking some classes at the local CC and living at home so someone can drive her to school.  She hasn't had a job yet.  It's not the parents since their older DD went away to college, graduated, had a driver's license and worked part time--so the parents recognized that she was not ready for these responsibilities.

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