Daughter's Ongoing Roomie Issues...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2007
Daughter's Ongoing Roomie Issues...
13
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 11:58am

I've posted on here before about my daughter, who is in her first year of college, and how she's not getting along too well with her roomie.

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Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 12:44pm

DS18 does nothing with his roommate.

Avatar for luanne115481
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 1:20pm

Honestly there is nothing more YOU can do for your dd, except to listen to her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 2:46pm

I think that your dd just needs to realize that she and the roomie aren't going to be buddies. They can hopefully be polite when they see each other but that's likely going to be the extent of the relationship. That's great that she's made other friends - perhaps as Sue suggested she can start making plans to room with one of them next year. The key thing probably taught your dd a valuable lesson - to always take her room key along! Not a good idea to depend on anyone else to let her into her own room - that's just part of being an adult. Your dd can't control what her roomie does as far as following the 'rules', walking around naked, etc. All your dd can do is do what is right for her. The beauty of college is learning that there are all types of different people in the world!



There's really not much more you can do at this point. IMO the sooner your dd 'lets go' of the roomie and concentrates on her other friends the happier she'll be!





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Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 4:03pm

I think that your dd needs to accept that she and her roommate are just roommates, not good friends, which is actually pretty common. The good news here is that the roomie spends so much time at her bf's---it would be much worse if the bf was spending most nights in your dd's dorm room!

My ds wasn't "friends" with any of his freshman suite-mates and he and his roommate barely spoke for much of the year. Second year he shared an apt with some guys that he *thought* he knew, there were some last minute changes and he also found out that some people can be fun to hang out with but a nightmare to live with. So for 2 years he endured sub-optimal living situations. He just made friends from elsewhere in the dorm or from other activities.

Your dd might want to look into the procedure for changing roommates in the event that the situation becomes intolerable. She could also talk to the RA but there's probably not much to be done--it doesn't sound like the roommate is breaking any dorm rules or is being purposely mean to your dd; but more like your dd had a fantasy of how things would be with her first college roommate and the roomie has her own ideas of how to behave that don't always coincide with your dd's ideas.

From what you said about the roommate being the coach's pet, your dd probably shouldn't discuss it with the coach. If your dd remains stressed that she is stuck living with somebody who is not her friend then talking to a counselor might be a good idea.

Do consider that a lot of times our CS' call **mom** to complain and it sounds like the world is caving in. We worry about them and for them when sometimes they were just letting off steam which allowed their "crisis" to become much less important--they just didn't tell us that part!! So lend your ear for her to vent, and hopefully she will quickly get past this part of growing up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 5:44pm

I definitely do not think she should talk to the coach--what would she say "Roommate & I don't get along that well and she spends a lot of time w/ her BF" and his answer is going to be "and what do you want me to do about it?" Esp. if the other girl is the top runner on the team, who do you think he is going to favor? Your DD is on a scholarship & she needs to do whatever she needs to do to be a good runner and make sure she keeps the scholarship.

I do agree that it was rude for the other girl to run off when she knew that your DD didn't have the key, but I guess now she won't count on this other girl. Actually since she has an annoying roommate, it should make her happy that this girls spends so much time w/ her BF. My soph roommate spent every night of the entire school year sleeping at her older BF's apt so I don't think we ever did one thing together the whole year. It really didn't stop me from having fun--I just had other friends and I decided to room w/ someone else the next year. So I do think it would be good for your DD to think about who she would want to live with--I don't know when they choose houseing for next year. She also might see if she can switch rooms now or at Christmas break--sometimes people drop out & there are rooms available. One time I lived in an apt. w/ 5 other girls (it was a dorm though). Two of our roommates moved out over break & we got 2 strangers who were transfer students. We're lucky it worked out--your DD could ask to move now & get stuck w/ someone a lot worse than a girl who sleeps at her BF's and walks around undressed.

If she is going to talk to anyone she should start w/ the RA.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 10:46pm

This, of course, left my daughter feeling somewhat "abandoned".

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2004
Fri, 10-01-2010 - 8:34am

Really???? Really????

Let me say this as gently as I can. YES, all this is effecting your daughter's college experience, and it's giving her the life lessons that you and I had to experience too. Do you really think everything should be perfect in order for her to have the best possible chance? Well life doesn't work that way. Do you know how many people don't work out and end up living with other people eventually.

Why is your DD so intent on having this girl for her BFF, or even remotely BFF. I'd not worry one second over this stuff. It's life, it's figuring out who works with who. I'd advise DD to not ever count on this girl for much, be polite, be as compatible as her patience allows and then advise her to concentrate on the friends that do work. As for going to the coach, bad advice, what's she going to say? It'll sound ridiculous because the roomie is an adult, free to act however she likes, all the coach cares is how she is on the team. Your DD needs to learn how to get along with a whole host of people and personalities and this is, and I know you won't agree, good experience for her.

As far as her having to wait an hour, that's silly. She could have gone down and gotten that key after 10 mins. But again, these are the things that happen and then the next time they don't if she's learned anything from it. She's frustrated, but come on, what about say the kid in a wheelchair who's struggling to manuver his way around campus, thinks he's a little frustrated???? You need to put all this high school drama in perspective, otherwise your DD and you are in for a bumpy ride.

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Fri, 10-01-2010 - 10:03am

<> This is it, in a nutshell. There are going to be LOTS of people you don't like, or who don't like you, but whom you HAVE to learn to tolerate. What if it's your mother-in-law? Or your coworker? Or your BOSS?

This is an invaluable learning experience, if the mom will quit wringing her hands, and tell her dd she needs to figure this out for herself. As much as we parents feel for our kids when they are in tough spots, it does NOT help the kid if we become distressed also, and add to the tension.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 10-01-2010 - 10:29am
It's kind of like the reaction I had when my kids would tell me in middle or high school that their teacher was so "mean" or gave too much homework, etc. I'd say "oh dear" and try to act sympathetic but i didn't call the school or anything. If my DD has bosses she didn't like, it was her job, so she could either learn to deal or get another job. She had a terrible roommate freshman year --they were just so different, never mind ever hanging out w/ each other. They were both relieved when the year ended. Then she moved into the sorority and has wonderful friends.
Avatar for luanne115481
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-01-2010 - 12:48pm
Most of the time I've found when my dd's call me to complain about something, whether it be about the roommates or whatever, all they really want me to do is listen, not solve their problems.

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