Guilty as charged I have played favorites

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2009
Guilty as charged I have played favorites
21
Mon, 10-10-2011 - 11:43am

Have you seen in the news all the stories on favoritism?

Time magaZine had a cover story.

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Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Mon, 10-10-2011 - 12:53pm
I have an only (and am an only) so he got to go to the U he wanted, not because he's our 'favorite' but because I inherited everything from when my parents passed, so was then able to let him go there - otherwise we were only going to fund state school. No clue what we'll do when he marries, but I doubt we'd change the will if he has kids; I'd still leave it all with him and then he can divvy. We do have one SIL as a backup in case something happens to ds, or now til he turns 21.

Sue
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Mon, 10-10-2011 - 1:39pm

I try hard not to, because I was not the favorite growing up - my younger sister, the first child my mom and stepdad had together, was clearly the favorite. I never, ever felt that my stepdad treated me and my older sister differently than his bio children, but out of the five of us (two younger brothers and two older sisters, with golden girl in the middle) she was clearly the favorite. She knew it, we knew it, and she felt terrible about it as she grew older. I think that's actually what has kept her around my dysfunctional mother (my sd died a year ago). There's some guilt over having been the favorite.

I've been lucky in that each of my kids brings different things to the table - dd21 and I have a very intense emotional bond, because she was my first. She can drive me crazy like no other kid, but we also are bonded in a very special way. She feels everything deeply, and you can't help but love her deeply. Dd18 was born on my bday - and has such a sweet disposition - she's the "easy" one, easy to parent, easy to love. Ds11 is probably the most different from me, but he's just like dh so I always feel a special affection for him that's different than the other kids because he truly is like another dh in looks, interests, personality, temperment. And ds9 is the baby - the sweetest, most loving, most affectionate kid. I honestly can't say I feel more strongly about one than the other just because they're all so different.

As far as the financial stuff - we wrote a new will before we got married that treated the girls as dh's bio children (a moot point now, since he legally adopted them). We don't plan on paying for weddings unless we win the lottery, and we will try to pay the same for everyone's college. But - we also do believe that every child's needs are different and I honestly don't believe that a parent needs to give equally. So far we have, but we're not counting dollars. Dd21 lives at home and pays modest rent/utilities (25% of her take-home pay, no matter what that is). She definitely saves there, however, we'll pay more for dd18 in tuition. If ds11 gets a full ride somewhere, we're not going to give him a cash "refund."

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2009
Mon, 10-10-2011 - 1:44pm

Both kids went to the same university for undergrad. We have had provided the same financial support, except that DS's fees were slightly higher than DD's (increase due to inflation). Both were given the same "extra" curiculum support, when they were small.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2006
Mon, 10-10-2011 - 8:42pm
Gosh this seems stupid to me. Do you really care if you got exactly the same amount financially from your parents as each of your siblings? I mean who cares? Seriously, all kids have different needs and good parents do what is needed for each child. If a kid with learning disabilities needs tutors and special schools is a parent really obliged to spend the same amount of money on their other children, I don't think so. A parent would not be able to afford that and they shouldn't have to. In my own family my parents were not in a good financial situation when I was young (my siblings are significantly older) and they were financially stable when my siblings were young. My siblings lived in a home with more. That has nothing to do with their love for me, just their financial situation. They still gave me what I needed. In my husband's family he has one sibling who is struggling financially. I am pretty sure my mother-in-law is helping her. My husband and I would never expect that mom would help us just because she is helping another sibling.
Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Tue, 10-11-2011 - 10:28am

My parents were always very rational about this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 10-11-2011 - 11:44am

That must have been terribly hurtful for your DDs not to receive anything when their bio father died. I wonder if he really considered it or just did the typical "everything to my wife" and figured she'd take care of his kids too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 10-11-2011 - 11:53am

I'm not sure I completely agree w/ everything here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2006
Tue, 10-11-2011 - 1:19pm
Interesting. I have a 30+ year old step-daughter. My husband's will leaves everything to me (as does mine leave everything to him). If something happens to both of us each of our wills divide things evenly among the 3 kids. I never even thought of treating my step- daughter differently than her brother and sister. If I outlive my husband my will leaves everything to the 3 of them evenly. Do you think that is wrong? I mean I never got anything when my dad died and my mom survived him. She needed it. When she died there were only a few hundred dollars left so she really did need all of it. Do you guys think my husband should revise his will to leave something to my stepdaughter? To me that would say "you are different than your siblings" or "I no longer have a relationship with you so I will pay you off to end it." I don't feel that way so that is not how we have our wills drafted.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-1999
Tue, 10-11-2011 - 1:38pm

You would be surprised how different treatment from parents resounds through the generations.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-1999
Tue, 10-11-2011 - 1:48pm
Musiclover, I had to laugh at your comment! There are times when there is no favorite in this house. My friend has a standing joke with her girls that when one of them starts whining that the other is getting something better, she looks the whining kid straight in the eye and deadpans, "Oh that's because we like her better."

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