Heartbroken & confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2011
Heartbroken & confused
9
Tue, 09-27-2011 - 12:30pm

I'm new to the board. My daughter moved to college about a month ago. She's at a university not too far from our house. The whole experience for me, my husband and younger daughter has been heartbreaking. She simply doesn't have time for us. She rarely

Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Tue, 09-27-2011 - 12:44pm

I can relate in a way; ds19 is a soph and only 8 miles away but on campus. He might have time to pop over for about an hour/week (usually a couple times for less than half hour each time) and during that time he's got things to do so we don't really get to talk/relax at all. He got a gf at school last Aug; the relationship is now 13 months old and running strong (at this point, both hoping for permanence in the future).

Now last year this was a bit of a problem for me since he's our only and I felt like he was done with us. What I can say is freshman year is a year where at least ds was out to prove he could do it on his own. He rarely called (his gf bugged him to call us!), rarely came over unless he wanted to do laundry and get stuff or make some petty cash, etc. DH was pretty busy so he wasn't that worried about it.

Fast forward to this year - ds and I are now closer than ever; he emails or calls me way more than last year, keeps in touch more than he did in high school when he lived at home, etc. DH is now the one feeling lost without ds!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Tue, 09-27-2011 - 1:25pm

Sue gave you some good words of wisdom. The first time away from home is often a time when kids assert their independence/spread their wings/etc. Hopefully she's keeping up with her school work and getting involved with some college activities as well as entertaining the boyfriend 3-4x a week. Try not to take it personally and when you do talk to her try to keep it up beat and light hearted, don't keep harping on the fact that you wish she'd call/text/email more often. Our older ds is in med school 2 1/2 hours away and we typically talk to him via 'Facetime' on Friday nights for about a half hour. Other than that there may be a couple texts or a quick call for a specific purpose but that's about it. I also know that he talks to his fiance every day but IMO that's the way life should be - he's transitioning from us being his primary family to her being his primary family. Obviously I hope we remain a big part of his life but in order to have a healthy marriage he's got to put her first. NOT that at 18-19 years old and dating 5 months your dd is necessarily ready to get married but I do think college can be the beginning of the natural pulling away. Now might be a good time to take up a new hobby or renew one that you've not had time for with raising 2 kids. Encourage your younger dd to get involved with other friends, activities, etc. Hang in there!

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2009
Tue, 09-27-2011 - 2:24pm
Welcome to the POCS board black squirrel!
You have found a very supportive group of parents to hang out among! We understand your feelings. Most of us found each other here after our kids started college because it is a big transition for the whole family.
Do you think her boyfriend will end up/ choose her college too? Do you know his parents?
Both my boys went to UF together the same year so we never had the younger child left behind feelings to navigate.
How much younger is your other daughter?
did they share a room?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 09-27-2011 - 2:40pm

This is a very normal part of the college process, although hard for you to adjust to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2006
Tue, 09-27-2011 - 2:53pm
Hi and welcome to the board. My son is a freshman, but he is 1,700 miles away from home so I have no expectation of seeing him on a regular basis. I do speak to him a couple of times a week. I let him call me. And we do usually exchange a text or two every other day. I sometimes initiate the texts. His gf is in college about an hour from our home, so I know he is not spending time with her. I do remember that the first week or two I was a little frustrated that he did not respond to my texts in a timely fashion. Mostly I was probably a little jealous because I knew that his gf and other friends were getting his responses quickly. I remember thinking that I should threaten to call his gf if he did not respond. Now that we are into the semester I am very comfortable with how often we contact each other. When I think about it I realize that he is contacting me more often and I have adjusted my own expectations to expect less. My daughter had a tough time at first (although she won't admit that) but now she is into the groove. I hope it all works out for you quickly. It is a tough transition.
Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Tue, 09-27-2011 - 6:33pm

I think a lot of it has to do with the expectations you had when she left.

When our oldest went to college, we knew we wouldn't hear from him all that much, and we were right.

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Tue, 09-27-2011 - 9:58pm

While you DO have to accept that she is more independent now, which is as it should be, you also don't need to sit there feeling used and abused.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2011
Wed, 09-28-2011 - 10:05am

Thanks to

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2011
Wed, 09-28-2011 - 10:17am

Do you think her boyfriend will end up/choose her college too? Do you know his parents?

No, her boyfriend's grades aren't good enough for him to get into her college. I don't know if this is good or bad! As for his parents, I've never met