Heartbroken...need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Heartbroken...need advice
13
Mon, 11-25-2013 - 1:26am

My dd age 19 is away at college. Last night, she was attacked and raped at a party. She went to emergency, filed a police report. she told me she was so scared, she was unable to scream. It was her first sexual experience. Of course she is bruised and torn, it must have been so painful And frightening. my dh is furious but we are far away and she has asked us to support her but to please let her handle it herself. There will be HIV and std tests tomorrow. I am still in shock knowing that my kid was in trouble and I wasn't there to help!

she does not want to press charges. My dh is beyond angry, I think it's safe to say, he wants to do what any father would do. I want to call the college And report it. fighting the urge to get on a plane and rush to her. I really don't know where to turn.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Mon, 11-25-2013 - 9:36am

I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how angry/sad/helpless you must feel. Will she be coming back for Thanksgiving? Was the party on campus and is that where the attack took place? If it was an off campus party I don't think calling the college would do any good. You said she doesn't want to press charges but she filed a police report? You might emphasize that by pressing charges it might save another girl from going through the same thing with this guy. If your gut is telling you to get on a plane so you can see her face to face I'd say go for it. I'm sorry I don't have any BTDT advice but sending you a cyber hug.

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 11-25-2013 - 10:48am

I just want to send my sympathy.  It must be hard on you not to be there.  I hope you will see her soon--otherwise, I think I'd want to go there soon.  If it was another college student, i do think she should report it to the school.  I'm a lawyer and although I think that people should be prosecuted for crimes, the victim also has to be willing to go through the ordeal.  You should discuss the circumstances with her--the defense would probably argue that she consented, esp. if it's someone she knows.  Most DA's offices have a victim advocate and someone who specializes in sexual assault cases--maybe she could talk to that person.  In any event, she should see a counselor who specializes in sexual assault.  Maybe you can help by finding one for her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Mon, 11-25-2013 - 3:27pm

Thank you,musiclover. So far, I've been working with the local police and called the dean of students this morning. My daughter saved evidence and took photos of her injuries so that was good thinking on her part. The college officials are looking into it today and will call me back today. They were very responsive. My dd is meeting with the dean and counseling today. I'm more concerned about the medical tests which happen tomorrow.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Mon, 11-25-2013 - 3:29pm

Thanks, Jsmom...I offered to come there or buy her a plane ticket but she's coming home Wednesday. I think her anger has now kicked in and she intends to press charges.

Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Mon, 11-25-2013 - 4:00pm

Hugs and best of luck to her - how horrible.

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2003
Mon, 11-25-2013 - 5:25pm

I'm so sorry such a horrible thing happened to your DD.  I know it's got to be so frustrating to not be there to swoop her up and take charge.  But it's good she's feeling empowered enough to want to handle it herself and taking the right steps.  I pray for her to stay the course and put that creep behind bars.  Prayers for you both.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-1999
Tue, 12-03-2013 - 2:27am

I was so sorry to read this, booklady.  I can't imagine the anger and sadness you must have felt when you learned that your daughter was so horribly violated.  How was her break at home, and how is she feeling now about moving forward with pressing charges?  I hope her visit home during the holidays was healing for all of you and she is able to carry on with her studies for the rest of the term.  My sympathies to you all.

                        Calmama54, from the beautiful


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Fri, 12-06-2013 - 9:13am

Thank you, all! We spent part of the Thanksgiving break in ER where my dd had surgery to repair internal lacerations. Physically she will heal and for that we are very grateful. The case is now under police investigation. Apparently, the guy is  not a student at her school.

our family recognizes that the attack could have been much worse and my dd just wants to put it behind her. I doubt she will press charges and I'm ambivalent about urging her to step forward. I'm not sure she can handle the due process of bringing him to justice. It is likely that this guy will do it again to some poor unsuspecting girl. since I am too emotionally involved, I will support my dd in whatever course of action she chooses. 

If you have daughters, I highly recommend they have some kind of self defense training.  I truly regret not suggesting it to both of my dds before now.

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Fri, 12-06-2013 - 1:48pm

What an awful, awful thing for your DD.  I am so sorry.

My oldest child (he's transgender, was a girl until he was 18) has a black belt in a full-contact style of karate.  He is about 5'6" and slim but muscular and strong..  He told me a few years ago that karate is good for self-defense but if someone bigger than you intends to harm you, he WILL do it.  He is a *very* hard fighter - even as a girl, most of the boys didn't want to fight him because he inflicted so much pain on them (it took a long time for him to learn to moderate his force to an appropriate level) - but he said if he were ever attacked by someone 6' tall and over 200 lbs, he would have a very hard time fighting that person off.  Not for lack of trying, lack of training, lack of will, lack of awareness, or lack of skill, but sheer difference in size.  Sure, he could fend off someone who was looking for an easy target, but not someone determined to inflict harm.

My DD is a freshman in NYC and knows that her best defense is always going to be avoidance.  She knows all the tips about personal safety but the number one rule is avoidance.

I wish I had learned that sooner.  I had my own horrible, emotionally scarring experience as a freshman.  My satisfaction came when the guy was arrested and sent to jail for another violent crime a few months later. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Fri, 12-06-2013 - 2:58pm

I'm glad your dd was home and you got to shower her with TLC. I can understand you not wanting to push as far as pressing charges. From what I hear that can be very traumatic in itself and often they try to portray the victim as somehow 'deserving' it. Hopefully someone at some point will press charges and he will be put away for a good long time. Many gentle hugs to your dd and whole family.

Pam

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