help me explain my reason for saying I don't approve....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2004
help me explain my reason for saying I don't approve....
37
Sun, 11-06-2011 - 11:32am

my college ds sophomore is planning a vacation out of country with his college girlfriend over a school break. They are going together, no one else.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000

I'm right there with you and understand exactly how you feel. But like you - I'm not sure I really can put it into words. For me a lot of it is a moral thing. I didn't even let Justin and his ex sleep in the same room until they were married when they stayed here even though she was pregant and they were living together up in WI. I also understand your concerns about the money and how young people think they should be able to have/do/etc. what took us years to save for. Sorry I don't have any great words to tell him - just wanted to let you know that I'm with you on this!

Pam
Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999

Frankly, I think the reasons you've given should be sufficient.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2006
I am with you all the way. I wouldn't want my son going off with his girlfriend on a vacation either. Luckily his gf's parents share our opinion so I think they would both get the same story from their parents. But personally I think the financial situation is plenty to put a nix on the situation. We pay our son's tuition/room and board and I would expect him to use any money he made to go toward his college expenses. That is what I would tell him and that would be the end of my argument. College is ridiculously expensive and I think kids have to chip in as much as they can.
Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Finally, you can say YES, <<>> And if you do this we will not respect the GIRL, or her parents, for going along with this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2006
You know sabrtooth I don't think it even requires any explanation. Just this is the way I feel period. The truth is that they are adults (in the eyes of the law anyway) and they can do a lot of stupid things. My parents always made it very clear how they felt without too many words. It was my choice to either respect them or not. And when it was presented that way I almost always chose to respect them. Can't say it was 100%, but every young adult is going to make some decisions that make their parents cringe.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-1999

If this were my son, this is how the conversation would go:

1) Show me that you have enough money without mine to finish your degree.

2) To pay for YOUR schooling, Ive given up any vacation for umpteen years. Ive given up a newer vehicle for 10 years.

3) Your uncle is from the Carribean and even when he goes home, he's not safe. He dresses in poor clothing and takes barely anything with him for being afraid of being robbed or worse.

4) You're not married and you dont have a full time job to support yourself. Enough said.

And finally, I didnt get a free ride and neither do you. Sorry.

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999

I have to say, if it were *my* kids, that's exactly what I'd say-- <>

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998

I would probably be bothered on a few different levels but the one that would really get me would be the financial part. The part where parents sacrifice to pay tuition etc, and the CS thinks he can use "his" money for an expensive vacation. I would be really tempted to say "since you have so much disposable income you can start paying more towards your education".

I would probably go over the 2nd semester expenses and have him show his bank statement to prove that he has enough money for those expenses AND the trip plus a cushion. Since you have a big stake in his education I think you have the right to demand an accounting--basically if he gets into financial trouble and cannot pay the 2nd term college expenses, what happens to your investment into tuition etc?

Depending on how much you are sacrificing in order to pay his fees, there could be a conversation on consideration and appreciation and sharing of burdens. While I'm sure that he appreciates how much you are helping him it may not have occured to him that it sure looks like he puts his pleasure way ahead of his concern for his parents' efforts...and if you/the family is going without things they want, then maybe he's being somewhat selfish in thinking that his taking a tropical vacation doesn't affect the others.

If in the end he goes on the trip over your objections, you could have him call the grandparents etc (or whoever you think will give you flak for "allowing" him to go) and tell them himself so HE can take their reaction.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I wonder if you could convince him to postpone it to senior year--most college kids I know of take some kind of vacation senior year on spring break but not earlier because of things you mentioned like money.

I also think that the more you get into reasons, the more he can poke holes in your arguments.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Well, I personally don't feel the relationship thing is a real issue - if they are sleeping together, they are doing it at college, and siblings mature enough to understand sex probably understand that. I would suggest that she do an implant or shot though so that there are no fogetting or lost items.

How has he shown you that he is prepared for this? Has he checked out travel guides? Has he watched Rick Steves? Does he know what his route is, how he is getting around, hostels, etc.? (I will assume that perhaps hostels are a part of the plan - something that perhaps you and your husband did not do.) How much actual planning has he done? If he has done very little, then the suggestion of waiting until senior year may be a very good one.

I would acknowledge that he may feel that during college may be the only time that he can do this - jobs with limited vacation time, marriage, spouse with limited vacation time, kids....this may very well be the best time to do something like this. (I know I wish I had before kids.) You may want to offer to help him look into group travel, or even semesters abroad if it is the experience of experiencing another culture that he wants. There are safe ways to do this, and it can be very educational.

If sex is the reason for the trip, (as in, a pseudo honeymoon) then that is not a good reason to travel abroad. If they are planning on seeing museums, historical places, things like that...that is good. If the idea is to be on the beach with a bunch of topless women....well, he can surf the internet for that for a lot cheaper. I guess through talking with him about his plans, you can determine what the real purpose of the trip is. (So yeah, I am coming back around to what you are thinking about the relationship thing, just for different reasons, I think.)

As far as relatives go...if he is doing this for the educational aspects, then the explaining is easy. If not for education, and it is a "honeymoon" thing, then that is something HE needs to explain before he leaves. Is he comfortable calling up Grandma and Aunt Jane and telling them that he is going to lay on the beach and have sex? If he is learning about culture, that should be pretty easy, but you know if that is the case or not.

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