How do you view your adult child living at home?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-1998
How do you view your adult child living at home?
9
Fri, 11-05-2010 - 1:43pm

DH

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999

I suspect the tensions in your house have less to do with your husband's expectations of his adult children, and more to do with his displaced frustrations with himself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-1998

Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2009

Hi Elizabeth,

I am glad to see you post an update, Matt's struggles put your family in my prayers. You sure have a full plate! How is Chris doing in his classes? Are you performing this Christmas season chorally?

When our oldest dropped out of high school we never treated him any differently around the house.

The expectation voiced was we all have a civic duty...we are given a life to give back to mankind. Find a way to make a contribution to society even if it is paying taxes= get a job. We did not charge him for room or board. For me, how do you determine a dollar amount to charge your family members. I never charged friends staying here while visiting Disney. Do I start charging my mother or sister for visits?He knew we had no extraneous $. I was working 3 jobs. At that point in his life, he had no cell, no drivers license or car. He earned his own spending $ for a computer/video games, clothes, transportation. He rode a bike or hitched rides to work the first year until he had a boss who financed his first car.

I guess your husband needs to have an outlet. A gal at my store, has a husband on disability for chronic back pain too.

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999

Well, there's a BIG difference between saying: "{sob, sob} I'm going to cancel all my physical therapy sessions and pain psychologist sessions because I'm just a drain on the finances", and saying, "You know, I think I have a the routines down pat now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

Dear Elizabeth,

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005

I think "tenant" is the wrong word. We do expect them to get a job and help. What worked for us was actually writing it all out - in terms of dd18, she "worked" 35 hours a week when she couldn't find a job and we decided what could be included in that (she wasn't in school at the time). Honestly, i think going to school and donating plasma does in fact count. It shows Matt isn't a deadbeat, for sure! Jobs are very hard to come by, especially with a wacky school schedule. There are just so many unemployed people out there willing to work, with more experience and a more flexible schedule. It's naive to think that if he just put forth a little more effort, he'd be employed.

And yes, I also agree with the online stuff, but I do think that this generation is much more likely to want to do it all online. We had to really push dd18 to go places. I do think Matt should be trying to go to as many places in person as he can, asking to talk to the manager. I don't think most managers find that annoying; I think they like it. Even if he's just saying, "I know you're not hiring right now and I have filled out my application online, but I wanted you to know that I'm still intersted, etc" BUT - do I think that means he'll necessarily get a job? Nope! The economy is not great and your dh needs to accept that. I truly think you need to sit down with dh and say, "what would make you happy with Matt?" If we agree that he needs to do XYZ every week/month, can we let HIM manage it? Whether it's following up on two jobs a week in person, helping out five hours a week at home, attending class and donating plasma, or sitting on the couch... the key is that you agree to it and then agree to LAY OFF.

As far as your dh,

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-1998

Thanks for chiming in everyone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2009

Hi Elizabeth,

Great news on Chris! Thanks for sharing the update on losing the braces and his club! When will he start at the community college? How close is it to your home?

You forgot to tell us how you are doing! I want to be sure you take care of yourself! We are here for you!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-1998

Chris will start at the cc this fall.