How to talk about sex with newly grown kids ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2013
How to talk about sex with newly grown kids ?
13
Tue, 07-09-2013 - 3:31am

I am sure there are lots of parents who find it difficult to talk about sex or any sex related knowledge with their grownup kid. This can be embarrassing sometimes but it is important for them. Can anybody share any nice tip regarding the subject ?

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Community Leader
Registered: 12-16-2003
Tue, 07-09-2013 - 8:52am

I think it is easiest to just jump right into the deep end. Don't test the water first, just jump. I remind our kids that we are not just Lutheran for the hour we sit in the pew, a lot.

Ramona  Mom to 2 great kids and wife to one wonderful hubby since 1990!

Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Tue, 07-09-2013 - 9:32am

I guess I'd say by now they should pretty much know the gory details and the last thing they'd want is parental interference.  I think if I felt compelled to say anything I'd email something so it's not embarrasing/in person. (At least that's the most likely way ds20 would 'listen')

Community Leader
Registered: 07-26-1999
Tue, 07-09-2013 - 9:53am
I guess I agree with the others. Have there been any conversations in the past at all? My daughter is leaving for college in the fall and we've had plenty of conversations about sex, periods, etc. over the years, so I feel completely comfortable talking with her about things. She just got a boyfriend for the first time this year and we have had conversations, such as, now you do remember that if you are having sex, 2 forms of protection are a must right? (She was conceived while on BCP's when I was 17, so I stress the importance of never putting all your eggs in one basket). To which she always replies, yes, but don't worry, I don't need any of it.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 07-09-2013 - 11:15am

Well my kids (boy almost 18 and girl 24 who is a nurse) are the type to just blurt out anything that's on their minds so we've beene pretty open about discussing things.  You just have to try to get over the embarrassment.  I sure hope if they are going to college they already have knowledge about sex & birth control--or maybe they know a lot more than you think they do.

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Wed, 07-10-2013 - 11:16am

I guess I feel like I need to have some sort of discussion with DD, who's going to college in the fall.  She's knowledgeable about many things and clueless about others, but she is extremely cautious about EVERYTHING.  She knows she lost out on a couple of guys she liked by being too cautious to show her feelings, so I think she is more likely to do nothing than to do anything rash.  I probably need to have *that* conversation with her.

I didn't have any conversation with DS.  Since he is transgender & gay and well-informed on trans issues, I had to catch up with *his* body of knowledge on sexuality.  Prior to his transition, he was only involved with girls, so I was rather lax on the subject.  Now that he's 21, I *really* don't have anything to say.  Hopefully DH & I have been good role models.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 07-10-2013 - 1:04pm

The one thing that I did mention to DD was to beware of drinking too much at parties--you hear all these stories about girls waking up in a guy's bed and not even knowing what happened to her.  That is scary.  Yes, with a gay son (mine) I don't have to worry about pregnancy, which is what I used to harp on him about when he was dating girls, but college will probably be like a whole new world, cause he hasn't been able to meet that many gay guys in high school.

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Wed, 07-10-2013 - 1:22pm

We've definitely had the drinking conversation many times.  DH & I drink wine/beer every night, so alcohol is often a topic.  DS & DD are still close, so DS has filled in DD on what college life *can* be like - both for those who drink/smoke and those who don't.  DD says she feels well-informed.

Honestly we have never had *one* talk. . . sex, alcohol, drugs, and relationships are just a few topics among many in our house, and they've been going on for years.  DH & I need to do a better job of talking about them to 13yo DS, though.  He hasn't been part of the conversations the way the older ones have.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2003
Thu, 07-11-2013 - 6:26pm

My advice is:

1. Get over any reservations you have about having these conversations with your kids. 

2. Don't judge, don't preach.  But try to get some of your boundaries in there.  Remember that this is a time of experimentation and independence from parents and they may do things that you wouldn't do or wouldn't like.  Whether you agree with it or not, many schools will provide your kids with more info than you could ever imagine about sex, birth control, relationships, and the perils of drinking and drugs.

3.  Listen, listen, listen.   

4. Be realistic and recognize that if your kid has not had sex so far, there's a good likelihood that they will while they're away at college. 

5. Keep the lines of communication open about EVERYTHING.  And be honest about your own experiences if you think they're ready for that or if it would help them.  I found myself having conversations with 18 y.o. DD that I never thought I would have--haven't had them with her 30-something sisters yet. I found that DD is acting very responsibly, more than I did at her age.  A very pleasant surprise.

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2013
Tue, 07-16-2013 - 6:26am

Thanks a lot guys for sharing such a helpful details on the subject. I found your tips quite informative. Would love to see more like this.

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Wed, 07-17-2013 - 1:33pm

The NY Times had an article on Sunday about college sex.  You can find it if you go to nytimes.com and click on Style on the left side.  The article is called "Sex on Campus: She Can Play That Game Too."  It's about how young, career-driven college women now often prefer to not have any romantic entanglement because it might tie them down and take them away from the single-minded pursuit of their careers. The acceptable alternative is alcohol-fueled sex with regular partners, who they don't actually have a relationship with outside of sex.

I honestly found it incredibly sad.  Yes, I went to college as part of the "Me Generation" and casual sex was part of that atmosphere.  But it was never meant to be an avoidance of actual relationships with the attitude of "I just want to focus on me, me, me" and it didn't take the attitude of "We're going to have sex as a matter of convenience."

I had my soon-to-be college freshman read it.  I think she kind of rolled her eyes at it.  That attitude is so NOT her, and so not typical of anyone she knows. . . mostly because of the callousness of the young women towards other humans.  There were a couple of examples at the end of the article that were more encouraging:  one young woman for whom a relationship would be essential for sex, and one young woman who felt her peers were taking far too much for granted, namely that they would have a large pool of interesting, interested men to choose from when they thought they were ready to think about a serious relationship.

Overall, the article reminded me that college is another world unto itself, something that I am naturally aware of since I already have a college senior, but it was also eye-opening in the utter self-centeredness of the young women it profiled.  None of my kids are like that, and none of their friends are like that, and they do go to elite colleges.  I'd like to think I raised my kids better than these supposed super-achievers in the article.

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