The last day. It finally came.
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|Wed, 08-15-2012 - 8:15am|
Tomorrow we take our oldest to college. I've been dreading this day since he was a toddler, although I haven't been so sad all summer since he's been a ginormous pain in the tush.
However, for the past week I've been going down memory lane, probably not a good thing to do. We still live in the house we bought when he was one, so I'm "seeing" him at different ages all over the place...especially when I sit outside. I've teared up a couple times, nothing bad. But, last night in bed I let it out.
I cried for the passage of time, the "happy" family it seemed we once were, the "happy" boy he seemed to be. The dreams we are letting go as we've had such a difficult time in high school. I cried about all the mommy mistakes I made thru the years. It seems, for some reason, I don't think of all the good things I've done...but the poor things I've done. Not horrible, mind you, but things I'm not proud of. Letting him cry it out for a few nights at 18 months, screaming once or twice when he was a baby because i couldn't take it anymore (he was not colicky, but as close to it as you could get). Not living in the moment as much as I should have..it seemed as if I was more of a drill sargeant just getting things done and exasperrated that I didn't have more time for myself. I know these pale in comparison to all the good things...but why do they stand out first and foremost in my mind right now?
I want to be strong tomorrow for him. I want him to see a smile on my face and how excited I am for him. This is another gift I want to give him.
DH was talking about how he wanted to have one last "talk" tonight, for me to tell him not to make any plans. I told him i wanted a good last day...as much for me as for him, as we've had a lot of angst this summer...and DS won't listen to a thing he is saying anyway.
It went to fast. The cliche is true. The days go by slowly, but the years slip away.
con (sad heart today).