Mean Girls

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2003
Mean Girls
10
Mon, 01-07-2013 - 5:41pm

This sounds like something I should have been posting about during HS, but this is DD's first encounter.  These were her bffs last semester.  She is shy and had a little difficulty making friends this summer, she had major insomnia the first week, blindsided with a breakup with boyfriend in November--what a semester!  Anyway, they have the same classes due to their major, but they were ice cold to her today.  They ignored her, or said just enough to her.  When she tried to find out what was going on, they wouldn't tell her.  One of them just shrugged.  One of them texted her to 'chill, they were busy.'  When she asked if they didn't want to be friends with her any more, they texted "applause."  Two weeks ago while they were on break, and not in the same cities, she thought they were fine.  They sent holiday messages.  We have brainstormed about this and we can't come up with anything that could have led to this.  I have told her to let it go, make new friends, immerse herself in schoolwork, organizations and activities, blah, blah.  Told her to be glad it happened now instead of after a year or two.  And definitely not to post any random thoughts about it on FB or anywhere else.  She does have some other friends, but not like these 3 other girls.  My heart hurts so badly for her.  Can you think of anything, any thoughts to help her and me?

 

P.S.  DH just came in and said that very possibly she said something to one girl about another and she went back and told the others.  We hadn't thought of that.  Hmmm. 

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
In reply to: gamegaga
Tue, 01-08-2013 - 12:23pm

It is truly heartbreaking.  I could have written the same thing about my DS's experience at the start of his sophomore year.

A bit of background:  DS is female-to-male transgender.  He still gets along best with girls as friends, but they have to be people who can put aside normal gender constructs.  As a freshman, he fell in with a group of guys and girls who seemed great for him.  The following summer, he went to parties with the ones who live nearby and spent a long weekend at someone's summer home.  Then when he went back to school in the fall, the whole group fell apart, but the first person to be "cut out" was DS.  Eventually two of the girls explained why to him - they didn't give snarky answers like the ones your DD got - but it took a long time for him to get the answers.  He has Aspergers which seems to have contributed a lot to their dislike of his behaviors ("you don't care enough about other people" was the theme).  Eventually the whole group kind of split up, and DS debriefed on it some months later with one guy, who commented, "I think we all were too selfish and took each other for granted."  Regardless of the overall group dynamics, it made for a VERY lonely year for DS.  His college is small - 2700 students - and the social groups are not terribly fluid, especially if you're not a drinker, so it was hard for him to find a new group.

He plunged into his studying really hard, made a couple of new acquaintances, joined a couple of clubs but dropped the ones he'd been in with his former friends.  Surprisingly, he made friends with one girl who invited him to share an apartment with her and two other girls for his junior year.  Since he moved in with them this past semester, his life has become significantly better.  Because he cooks in his apartment, he no longer has the pain of eating alone in the dining hall.  And the girls are great, and enjoy hanging out with each other and him.

The only really sad thing is that he's a junior, and they're all seniors.  I pray that he finds a nice group to live with for his senior year.

In hindsight, he wishes he'd gone to a bigger university where he'd have had more opportunities to meet people.  By the end of freshman year, he'd already met most of the people like him.  His fantastic experience with a small Catholic HS just didn't translate to the rich, white, liberal arts college setting - something I attribute at least partially to the contrast between the values of the Catholic families he went to HS with and those he goes to college with.

Your advice to your DD seems very sound.  DO NOT take it to FB, get involved with other people, and realize that even if it seems very junior-high, this happens more often than you would think.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2003
In reply to: gamegaga
Tue, 01-08-2013 - 8:42pm

Maho, I hope your DS has gotten enough comfort and confidence this year, to forge ahead into his senior year when they're gone.  I thought of a lot of other things that could go wrong during the college years, but this surely wasn't on the list.  Of course, while hearing DD crying on the phone, saying she hates college,  I wanted to turn around, go back down there and hold her in my arms.  And find those girls, LOL!   We had just left her on Sunday, the day before.  Took my blood pressure yesterday and it was 165/95!  I've calmed down though.   I talked to her today and she says everything was fine.  She didn't speak to them and they didn't speak to her.  My fear was that this would turn into a real bullying situation.  So far, it hasn't.  She's at a large university so hopefully she can find and develop some true friendships.  Unfortunately she'll cross their paths because they're in the same major.  but as I told her, if they're doing that to her, they'll do it to each other, too.  The group will probably implode as did your son's group, by next year.  I guess she's learning one lesson about friendships--quality definitely beats quantity. 

And I feel better knowing that this nonsense isn't happening to just my kid.  Thanks so much for the reassurance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-1999
In reply to: weedosmom
Wed, 01-09-2013 - 12:50pm
Gamegaga, I don't have any great advice but I wanted to extend my sympathy. This happened to me at the end of my freshman year and I remember well how miserable I was, just completely lost and alone at the end of that first year. I attended a large state university so I was able to move to a different group of dorms, find a new group of friends and interests, and move forward. My older dd also told me about a friend from high school who attended a small program at the college dd attended being suddenly ostracized by her group, right at the point they were about to go on a study abroad program together junior year. She ended up abandoning the study abroad semester and renewing interests she'd abandoned after high school. I think things worked out for her after a rough patch. You are right that these girls will likely turn on each other next. That, or hunt out boyfriends and abandon each other. Mahopac, I'm glad to read that your ds has found a nice group of friends this year and I hope that the girls either stay in the area or that he meets others through their extended network. My daughter has had very close friends graduate again and again and though she misses the graduates, she's found other connections that have seen her through. She's also at a very small LAC and is feeling the limitations of the size. She feels that everyone knows everyone else and that nothing is private.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: gamegaga
Wed, 01-09-2013 - 8:00pm

This didn't happen w/ kids at my DD's college so much but with her close group of hs friends after she went to college.  There were about 4 other girls and 2 boys in this group & they used to hang out together all the time.  I think if I remember correctly it happened the summer after freshman year--they were home and hanging out on July 4 and then it seemed she wasn't hanging out w them any more--it took her a long time to tell me what happened which is that she got involved w/ the exBF of one of the girls (this girl & the exBF also went to my DD's college)--now to me, that didn't even make sense since these 2 weren't even a couple any  more.  But you know how people can be--so this one girl at her college was even going to be in a class with her that year--I guess they tolerated each other in class but luckily they weren't in the same major or dorm so it was pretty easy for my DD to make other friends.  But sadly, she never became friends w/ that group again--she just stuck to the other people she became friends with in college.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-1998
In reply to: gamegaga
Sat, 01-12-2013 - 1:14pm

It's really disheartening to read about this type of drama happening in college. I think most of us hope our kids left it behind in middle school, but I know it takes a long time for some kids to grow out of it.  I'm so sorry your kids have to take the brunt of it from these immature brats.

After a lull during her junior year, DD is experiencing some of this nastiness during her senior year in high school, and I'd hoped it was just senioritis and stress.

On a positive note, I didn't encounter the mean girl syndrome at all in college, but I think it's because I was at a women's college, and the drama queen types tend not to apply to those. That's my theory, anyway.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
In reply to: bunnierose
Sun, 01-13-2013 - 10:40pm
I think some girls/women never outgrow the mean girl attitudes! I've worked with a few in their 30s and 40s who still play that game.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
In reply to: gamegaga
Mon, 01-14-2013 - 10:25am
Your daughter definitely has my sympathy. I HATE this kind of behavior. My daughter experienced it last year. Freshman year her dorm configuration was her and H in a room, and E and C in a room (sharing the same living room and kitchen). C got kicked out early, she got along with E, but didn't really click with her and she and H got along fantastically. Best of friends. Sophmore year she moved into a dorm that her and H in the singles, and 4 other girls sharing 2 doubles. She knew all the girls, and 4 out of the 6 of them were in the same program and had almost all the same classes together. In the beginning it was fine, and slowly 4 out of the 5 started turning on her. She'd hear them in one of the rooms laughing and watching tv, but noone would ever invite her. She'd leave her door open, but they wouldn't come in her room. They'd go someplace and wouldn't invite her. They'd be talking and laughing when she entered a common area, but stop when they saw her. After talking with her about being the best roommate she could be, doing the chores in a timely manner, not being loud etc and finally advised her to be a polite and courteous as she could. These girls didn't have to be her friends, but she did have to peacefully coexist with them for the year. I can not tell you how many crying phone calls I got, because she was just so miserable. She took my advice and was the best roommate possible. Her saving grace was the 6th roommate that was so busy with her studies and sorority that she didn't have time for the drama. She was always happy to see DD, they'd try to make time to go to lunch occasionally etc. I told her that eventually this kind of mob mentality will turn on itself and a new victim will be chosen. Sure enough they did, and that girl came to DD and apologized for how she had acted. This year, 2 of the girls have transferred to other schools. I'm wondering how the main ring leader is doing with her new roommates. Kind sorority girl and DD still try to make time to get together. DD is now an RA and that experience helped her so much in her new job. She is able to counsel her residents who are having similiar problems. Makes me laugh that often her advice is the same stuff I told her all last year. The experience made her better at her job, but boy was it a miserable year. I would tell your daughter to be friendly when she sees them, but not to fawn over them. Say hello in class, ask how their weekend was, or how they did on a test etc and leave it at that. Focus on other students in class, join clubs, sit with someone new at lunch etc. Definitely good that they showed their true colors early in the friendship. It doesn't make it any easier for her, I know. I hope she finds some people that truly realize how great she is!
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2003
In reply to: gamegaga
Thu, 01-17-2013 - 8:26pm

Thanks ladies for sharing your experiences.  I'm glad I'm in good company.  But sad it's happening at all.  Wow, who knew!!??

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2013
In reply to: gamegaga
Sat, 12-14-2013 - 7:06am

Friendship with Beautiful girls Pakistani Cute Girls Pakistani girls numbers, Desi Girls Desi Babes College Girls School Girls Hot Girls Cute Aunties Lahore Girls Multan Girls Karachi Girls Islamabad Girls Girls Mobile, Holy Wood Actress Pakistani Naughty girl Pakistani girl, Pakistani women, celebrities, college girl movies, college girls movies, cute Indian girls, cute Pakistani girls pics, cute Pakistani girls pictures, Desi girls, Indian girls Indian Models Picture, Cute Desi Babes http://pakistan-cute-girls.blogspot.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2013
In reply to: gamegaga
Sat, 12-14-2013 - 7:09am

Friendship with Beautiful girls Pakistani girls numbers, Desi Girls Desi Babes College Girls School Girls Hot Girls Cute Aunties Lahore Girls Multan Girls Karachi Girls Islamabad Girls Girls Mobile, Holy Wood Actress British Pakistani girl, British Pakistani women, celebrities, cheerleaders girl, college girl movies, college girls movies, cute Indian girls, cute Pakistani girls pics, cute Pakistani girls pictures, Desi girls, Indian girls,Indian Actress, Indian Models Picture http://pakistani-cute-girls-numbers.blogspot.com