Mean Girls
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 01-07-2013 - 5:41pm |
This sounds like something I should have been posting about during HS, but this is DD's first encounter. These were her bffs last semester. She is shy and had a little difficulty making friends this summer, she had major insomnia the first week, blindsided with a breakup with boyfriend in November--what a semester! Anyway, they have the same classes due to their major, but they were ice cold to her today. They ignored her, or said just enough to her. When she tried to find out what was going on, they wouldn't tell her. One of them just shrugged. One of them texted her to 'chill, they were busy.' When she asked if they didn't want to be friends with her any more, they texted "applause." Two weeks ago while they were on break, and not in the same cities, she thought they were fine. They sent holiday messages. We have brainstormed about this and we can't come up with anything that could have led to this. I have told her to let it go, make new friends, immerse herself in schoolwork, organizations and activities, blah, blah. Told her to be glad it happened now instead of after a year or two. And definitely not to post any random thoughts about it on FB or anywhere else. She does have some other friends, but not like these 3 other girls. My heart hurts so badly for her. Can you think of anything, any thoughts to help her and me?
P.S. DH just came in and said that very possibly she said something to one girl about another and she went back and told the others. We hadn't thought of that. Hmmm.
- Bringing Home Boyfriends/Girlfriends 7
- New here - facing a lot of problems with my adult kids 6
- Hello - remember me? ;-) 8
- Guess I'll post an update while I can 6
- Holy crap! 6
- DS comes home today! 9
- It's going to be a long summer..... 16
- Cost of housing 14
- spending money in college 13
- Only child leaving for college this summer 7
Memeber Support
| Q: | Where can I change my password? |
| A: | Log in, go to Edit My Preferences, and click the Account tab. Make and save your changes. |
Thanks ladies for sharing your experiences. I'm glad I'm in good company. But sad it's happening at all. Wow, who knew!!??
It's really disheartening to read about this type of drama happening in college. I think most of us hope our kids left it behind in middle school, but I know it takes a long time for some kids to grow out of it. I'm so sorry your kids have to take the brunt of it from these immature brats.
After a lull during her junior year, DD is experiencing some of this nastiness during her senior year in high school, and I'd hoped it was just senioritis and stress.
On a positive note, I didn't encounter the mean girl syndrome at all in college, but I think it's because I was at a women's college, and the drama queen types tend not to apply to those. That's my theory, anyway.
This didn't happen w/ kids at my DD's college so much but with her close group of hs friends after she went to college. There were about 4 other girls and 2 boys in this group & they used to hang out together all the time. I think if I remember correctly it happened the summer after freshman year--they were home and hanging out on July 4 and then it seemed she wasn't hanging out w them any more--it took her a long time to tell me what happened which is that she got involved w/ the exBF of one of the girls (this girl & the exBF also went to my DD's college)--now to me, that didn't even make sense since these 2 weren't even a couple any more. But you know how people can be--so this one girl at her college was even going to be in a class with her that year--I guess they tolerated each other in class but luckily they weren't in the same major or dorm so it was pretty easy for my DD to make other friends. But sadly, she never became friends w/ that group again--she just stuck to the other people she became friends with in college.
Maho, I hope your DS has gotten enough comfort and confidence this year, to forge ahead into his senior year when they're gone. I thought of a lot of other things that could go wrong during the college years, but this surely wasn't on the list. Of course, while hearing DD crying on the phone, saying she hates college, I wanted to turn around, go back down there and hold her in my arms. And find those girls, LOL! We had just left her on Sunday, the day before. Took my blood pressure yesterday and it was 165/95! I've calmed down though. I talked to her today and she says everything was fine. She didn't speak to them and they didn't speak to her. My fear was that this would turn into a real bullying situation. So far, it hasn't. She's at a large university so hopefully she can find and develop some true friendships. Unfortunately she'll cross their paths because they're in the same major. but as I told her, if they're doing that to her, they'll do it to each other, too. The group will probably implode as did your son's group, by next year. I guess she's learning one lesson about friendships--quality definitely beats quantity.
And I feel better knowing that this nonsense isn't happening to just my kid. Thanks so much for the reassurance.
It is truly heartbreaking. I could have written the same thing about my DS's experience at the start of his sophomore year.
A bit of background: DS is female-to-male transgender. He still gets along best with girls as friends, but they have to be people who can put aside normal gender constructs. As a freshman, he fell in with a group of guys and girls who seemed great for him. The following summer, he went to parties with the ones who live nearby and spent a long weekend at someone's summer home. Then when he went back to school in the fall, the whole group fell apart, but the first person to be "cut out" was DS. Eventually two of the girls explained why to him - they didn't give snarky answers like the ones your DD got - but it took a long time for him to get the answers. He has Aspergers which seems to have contributed a lot to their dislike of his behaviors ("you don't care enough about other people" was the theme). Eventually the whole group kind of split up, and DS debriefed on it some months later with one guy, who commented, "I think we all were too selfish and took each other for granted." Regardless of the overall group dynamics, it made for a VERY lonely year for DS. His college is small - 2700 students - and the social groups are not terribly fluid, especially if you're not a drinker, so it was hard for him to find a new group.
He plunged into his studying really hard, made a couple of new acquaintances, joined a couple of clubs but dropped the ones he'd been in with his former friends. Surprisingly, he made friends with one girl who invited him to share an apartment with her and two other girls for his junior year. Since he moved in with them this past semester, his life has become significantly better. Because he cooks in his apartment, he no longer has the pain of eating alone in the dining hall. And the girls are great, and enjoy hanging out with each other and him.
The only really sad thing is that he's a junior, and they're all seniors. I pray that he finds a nice group to live with for his senior year.
In hindsight, he wishes he'd gone to a bigger university where he'd have had more opportunities to meet people. By the end of freshman year, he'd already met most of the people like him. His fantastic experience with a small Catholic HS just didn't translate to the rich, white, liberal arts college setting - something I attribute at least partially to the contrast between the values of the Catholic families he went to HS with and those he goes to college with.
Your advice to your DD seems very sound. DO NOT take it to FB, get involved with other people, and realize that even if it seems very junior-high, this happens more often than you would think.