need advice and thoughts on how to handle..

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2003
need advice and thoughts on how to handle..
20
Mon, 11-04-2013 - 4:56pm

Hello all- again.

It's been a couple of years since i have been at ivillage. I am back. And need help again.  AND i did not realize there was a college board!!! 

Background - My dd is 19 and in sophomore year of college. Her first year was not good having many anxiety issues. She has a learning disability and really is about 1 year behind the pack- mentally/socially – but excellent academically. 

 We had not had a good sophomore- junior year of HS as she latched on to an controlling boyfriend that i could not get her away from and of course I became the enemy and she became sexually active.   After 2 years of this - they finally broke up and i thought i was finally out of the woods. Not so.  But the damage was done, and we had trust issues and other mother /daughter issues after living a Romeo /Juliet type of existence.

Enter boyfriend #2.... I thought he was a doll, (like i did with the first one too), and he is a doll... and maybe that's the problem. She knew him from HS and on the outside he seems "perfect" – smart, intelligent, cute, kind and she is in love with him, and he makes her happy and he is VERY respectful of us, her parents  ... sounds good?  (I was almost in love too!)

Here's the problem: I just found out that many of the things he has been telling us.. which seemed interesting or farfetched, may actually be lies. She met him in her senior year in HS, and all of her friends thinks he is charming and wonderful!!!!  Which we though too... until things started to unravel. Thy have been dating for 2 years now

First problem.. He is muslim.. not a problem for us,,,, but of course for his parents so since the beginning he has told us, his parents don’t know, and would not understand his relationship with our daughter, so we went along with trying to understand this issue, since it did also happen for both my husband and myself as well, when we were younger and wanted to date outside our faith.  We are not terribly religious and this really does not bother us. BUT... while we would drop him off down the block from his home, where he said he lived... IS NOT his actual Home - we just found out.  He claims his parents do not want him out after dark, and needed to be home by dark , so respectfully we would get him home all summer long... before dark.. my daughter nicknamed him - her vampire!  He told us, that his parents believe bad things happen after dark... but when he is college - there is no such restriction?

This all started to get weird after he told my daughter - HE had stage 4 lung cancer and stage 2 leukemia - back in July.. right before my dd’s birthday - lost a whole weekend crying over this boy and my daughters' love for him... We have truly come to love him - even though we knew he would probably break off with her eventually - (even thought she does not see or believe this). He told my dd he has 4 years to live… and he has known for 6 months already.

He told us he has cancer.. yet each week he would tell us that the study he is in, will be starting "next month"  (supposedly it started in Sept.) He has supposedly left college for "treatment" but his answers about treatment are very "read from a script" or do not make sense...... " they are treating the leukemia, because the lung cancer is not an issue right now"??????  WHAT!!!?  He claims he is ok with the radiation, and has not side affects but the drs will not let him attend college until he is better. Therefore he is taking a break from college, but visiting my daughter at her college whenever he "can",. I told several of my friends an coworkers who know this boy, and us.. and all say.. there is something not right, and all of this does NOT ring true.  When i press my daughter.. all she says is - you know what i know.. as he tells us all info... and he never looks or acts sick.

A month ago he visited my daughter at college and she asked us to  -  we drove him home and just before we dropped him off at the end of his "block" and while talking about his new permit... i asked to see his funny picture which he kept talking about... (but i wanted to see his address....  the address on the DMV permits was NOT Seneca Rd., like he said.. it showed Flanders Ave #2....WHAT!    SO we dropped him off in the spot he wanted.. and waited.. to see if he went down to Seneca. Guess what. first he was watching our car - so we had to move.. and his watching us let us know... he was up to something.  After turning around the car to go in the other direction.. we saw him going away from Seneca and going in the direction of Flanders!!

A few days later while he was visiting at my daughter's school.... my husband checked the mailboxes that are outside the building on Flanders  - and found out his name is on one of the mailboxes! His own mailbox?  Along with 2 other boxes with the same last name.

He claims his mother works in an ER in her Pakistani/Muslim Garb - and only treats women... and the hospital allows this - since she can't treat men (??)  And when I looked up his mom’s name, as she is supposed to be a dr with a NY license…nothing comes up on the NY Registry. She does not exist.

I asked him the Dr with whom is is getting treatment at the hospital.. that name does not come up either. Anything I try to verify.. I cannot.. and I cannot speak to his parents either.. IT is a win-win for him. Nothing to validate.

He has told us that his father, not only owns the Seneca house.. but others as well… and we believed him. Just last week I found 2 websites that will tell you the owner of a house… and according to them..His father is NOT the owner of the house on Seneca, nor on Flanders!  But he just recently told my dd that his Uncle owns the Flanders building.

So.. now my stomach is in knots… why is he lying and do I tell my daughter. And how much do I tell her. And will she believe us.

I have even told him – he must tell his best friend just in case he really gets sick, so my dd has a contact to know info.. but he claims he will… each time we speak.. he will, he just hasn’t yet.

The permit is the easiest thing,, as we can tell her that we saw this and it does  not make sense. BUT he can say he gets his mail at the uncles… and she will believe it…  (I want to see him actually walk in or out for further proof)

Every time this boy comes to my house to see her or visits for the weekend my daughters school – which is now getting to be almost every weekend since he is not at his school … I am getting sick and concerned. She now stays with her girlfriend who lives off campus – just so she can have him stay for the weekend.

I do not know what to say of IF I should say anything at all.. as she is 19 and will only kill the messenger if they have bad news.  I remember telling  girlfriends when I was younger that her boyfriend was cheating /lying/ etc and she hated me..and stayed with him anyway.. until they were ready to see the truth.. but by them.. I was the outcast.

This is my daughter…not a friend -  do I tell her that my husband and I saw the permit a month ago .. or not.   Do I tell her he may be lying about other things .. or not.   Do I have my husband tell her.. so that I am not part of this??  She may trust my husband more….  And then.. when to tell… do we wait for thanksgiving when she is home?  Or just do it when we see her next. Or wait till after xmas… so we do not ruin this for her…….

She is still putting school first.. and doing well, as far as I know.   I know her world will crash if she does believe us…. Or she will be against us again

I have also thought of having a friend ask for his permit in front of her to show her this info… and then discuss.

OR do we just fess up and tell her how concerned we are that he is lying –not just to his parents but to all of us too…

Part of me says it’s her life.. stay out.. BUT I believe he is a liar and what else is he lying about??… and she is an innocent and does not question anything.

Or do I stay devious and try to not be a target?  What to do??

One more thing.  A friend has mentioned that he may be involved with a muslim group or some jihad.. which may trump school.. If he has no reason to live - so i am VERY concerned... or stupidly buying into a stereotype and worried for not reason.

My husband - who says many of this make no sense... seems to also live in ignorant bliss.

So I don’t know how concerned i should be… or not to be, and only driving myself crazy... for now.

HELP!

 

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2003
Tue, 11-12-2013 - 5:52pm
love your cat picture! I had a tuxedo as well.. miss him so! part of my whole issue of this all is the "secrecy" part. while I know that when a person does have an illness, especially cancer, many choose to keep it under wraps and only within immediate family.. so therein lies the rub... if true.. I can understand why he would not want the info getting out.. understandable.. if not true.. not many if any to corroborate with. in fact. .he did not want her to tell us.. her parents.. but she did.. in hysterical tears.. and I told her that this was too big an issue for her to keep to herself.. and not share with us.. so she pushed that issue and won.. I also found out that he was not thrilled she did tell 2 of her best friends.. but again.. he had to understand.. and they do like him so as well.. so only time will really tell. I am pushing that he tell one of his friends - whom Rachel knows.. just in case he too "sick" to keep in touch.... he is supposed to during thanksgiving break when they are all home... we shall see.. thanks for your post.. good idea... thought about the same..
Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Fri, 11-08-2013 - 9:34am

Are you close enough with any of her local friends to share your concerns and see what they think/know, without putting them on the spot?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2003
Fri, 11-08-2013 - 8:25am

Sabrtooth...

I do not know where your harshness and impatience comes from, but you really should NOT be giving out advice - when you are so rude, uncaring, and demeaning...

There are no simple solutions to all situations and that fact that you think so, makes me think YOU are not a simple person.

Secondly, you need to read all information before you post - to understand other people's point of views BEFORE lashing out what YOU think is the right think for any situation:

 I did not say HIS friends think he has Jihad leaning.. it was a friend of MINE.

The conversation I had with my daughter about the Kardashians was not this year and was discussed about the importance of getting to know someone WELL before marriage. BUT I guess you could not connect the dots.. Not SIMPLE enough for YOU. that YOU were LOST

. And as we live in a VERY large town,(thousands) not everyone knows everyone and my circle does not know this family, although the kids know each other and no... they do not know where HE lives as NO ONE has been to his house..

 And as far as your "spider sense" Go spin a web and stay there.!

I am not into lifetime movies... do not watch them.. but you seem to have an aversion of them when lots of them are based on real issues and problems (some true) that again, may be to complex for you.- but others obviously enjoy as they keep making them and NOW there is a whole channel devoted to them! I have had posts from you before in the past and I do not find YOU or your advice - kind or supportive which is what this board is supposed to be about.

So please feel free to bypass any post that I write as I will NOT be reading ANYTHING you write anymore...

 

 Sabrtooths should stay extinct and in the tar pits where they died.

Have a NICE Day!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2003
Fri, 11-08-2013 - 7:54am
ELC11.. You hit the nail right on it! Risk vs benefit.. That is exactly where I am.. and why I decided to come here to post. To make sure that I am not overreacting... nor am I doing something that really will have ILL effects long term. I was at odds with my leaving things to her... and not doing anything vs doing something and getting her angry.. but possibly protecting her in the meantime. ANd I do need to let her know.. that this out of love and concern.. not out of an- "I just do not like him situation". I also agree with you his parents may not care what he does.. as long as it does not affect him... I do know his parents views as we have discussed this.. His MOM wants him to marry muslim.. she is very religious... His dad may be more open. Thus here may be the problem.. maybe he thinks dad will convince mom.. of his wants. He does follow Halel rules for eating.. and follows holidays such as Ramadan, and we have always respected that.. As I said.. if not for the lying, I would not have any issue welcoming him into our family ... He was a gem, I believed and really good for my daughter... before.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2003
Fri, 11-08-2013 - 7:46am
thanks weedosmom: I too think this is ominous which is why I am very concerned... but also trying to cautious as well.. which is WHY I came her for other moms thoughts and advice... so I thank you and others for their views. If he was abusing her or not treating her well - it would be much easier to address but he treats her VERY well, including buying her all kinds of stuff - clothing, flowers. etc... he is VERY good to her, which makes this all so crazy. He even pays for her tickets for Grayhound when she used to visit his school. Money is the easy part for him.. according to him.. his parents have lots of money. She does not like sharing too much stuff as she only wants me to think good of him. The address is NOT FAKE... what he claims is that he LIVES at one house.. but his NEW permit, that he just got .. shows he is living in an apt on another block in the opposite direction... I am uncomfortable with not knowing where he lives period.. The lying about WHERE is lives is a major part of our uneasiness and the lying... so I need to start with that.. and it is the easiest part to acutally discuss. I agree with trying to stay non judgemental and I also think I will be leaving her with the idea that - no matter what she does or chooses to do.. we will have to let her decide..... as she is an "adult" It just kills me that I cannot just tell her to stop! ... and I truly do not want to do NOTHING...... and agree with you... it does sound unhealthy. which does make a mom.. crazy thanks again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2003
Fri, 11-08-2013 - 7:36am
musiclover12 - thanks for your post. just to correct some info... the address he is telling us where he lives is fake - it seems.. as he did not go into that house when we dropped him off.. he headed to the other address that was on his permit.. and he just got his permit.. and has not moved. a PI is an interesting idea.. and I may consider it at a later time. He claims his Mom is working now as a ER dr at a city hospital.. She is not even thinking of getting married at this point.. and when in love.. everything seems possible.. -remember?? thanks again.
Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Thu, 11-07-2013 - 1:59pm

When someone has excuses about why they cannot apply a simple, straightforward solution to a situation, then my spider sense tells me the one writing the Lifetime movie is the YOU.  And frankly, you lost me at the point where you illustrated your parable about trust with a story of the Kardashians and a dog.  Is this a college student, or a 12 year old???

You also say this boy is NOT a stranger.  He lives in your town.  He went to HS with your daughter.  He has "friends" who know him well enough to say he may have "jihadist" leanings.  Well if all of that is true, then how come NO ONE has met, or knows his parents or his siblings, NO ONE knows where he lives, what his parents names are, where THEY live, what jobs they have, yada, yada, yada.  Makes me say, "Pull up your pants; it's too late to save your shoes".

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Thu, 11-07-2013 - 1:34pm

I think you ought to approach this as risk vs benefit. You're afraid that if your dd knows that you researched her bf that she will get upset or angry. So you might as well hire a PI as others have suggested. Like you said, you haven't been able to find much online, but a professional has other resources, knows how to dig deeper, and will knock on the door of bf's address if necessary. At this point I think its worth it for your own peace of mind. I usually advise people to trust their instincts and yours are telling you that this guy is lying---you just don't understand his motives. If an investigator comes back with a report that the bf is truthful then you don't need to tell your dd about it. But if something serious comes up then you have proof with which to approach her.

Even if she gets angry about your probing, IMO the benefit of protecting her outweighs the risk of her anger---which she will probably get over as she gets older and matures. I did some things when my dd was that age that, at the time, she found intrusive. A few years later she told me that she understood that it was done out of love and she appreciated that we had been looking out for her. Eventually your dd will thank you if you help her to "dodge a bullet". 

As I mentioned on the other board, my ds knows a Muslim guy who has been dating a non-muslim woman for 10+ years and I'm pretty sure he still has not told his parents, because they expect him to marry a woman of their faith. Back in HS he was a kid that chose to lie to his parents rather than confront them or openly rebel and maybe that hasn't changed. I also wonder how clueless these parents really are---they may take the position that as long as the son doesn't embarrass the family by publicly having a non-muslim gf, and that when the time comes he marries an appropriate women, that they will pretend that they don't know anything. 

Since you get along well with the bf, why don't you just ask him about his parents' views on courting and marriage? How do his parents think a muslim man living in the west should find a suitable bride? At what age would they expect him to marry? You might be able to glean some info from asking him "innocent" questions about his faith and culture.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-1999
Thu, 11-07-2013 - 11:57am

Clearly I'm an overreactive type or i've watched too many Lifetime movies.  Wink  I read through this and I started to hyperventilate.  I don't know why this guy is lying or what he's up to but it sounds really ominous from where I sit.  It could be as innocent as he just wants to be able to flee the relationship quickly when it's best for him to do so.  It could be that he's already involved with another girlfriend and that girlfriend is the one known to his family.  He might be involved in something criminal.  Or it could be that he's taking advantage of your dd in some way.  Who knows?

I've had to tread lightly with my daughters and their choices too but when I learned that my eldest was involved with someone who was not treating her well, I talked to her about it. Directly.   I like the way Calmama approached it best.  Getting her to share her own uneasiness without judgment and then offering your own worries with lots of caveats and no judgment would, hopefully, lead to a dialogue rather than an accusation.  Tell her you want to be reassured because you love him too.  I'm not sure if I'd offer up the fake address at the start but I would if the conversation went well.

The one thing I would NOT do is nothing.  The whole thing sounds unhealthy and maybe even dangerous.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 11-07-2013 - 10:56am

I really don't think you have that much hard info now except maybe a fake address so I would go the PI route if you really keep getting suspicious.  You don't have to tell your DD about it unless they uncover something--and even then you wouldn't have to say how you found out.  At least a PI could follow him to see where he lives, what he does during the day, etc.  Many people move & don't change their address on the driver's license.  It does make sense if the parents are from Pakistan that maybe mom was a doctor there but isn't able to work as a doc here and works in the hospital doing something else.  I do think you should discuss with her how long she thinks he will be able to keep up this relationship behind his parents' backs and what that means for the future.  Does she think he will secretly get married?  Probably not--so does she want to continue to get serious in a relationship that's pretty much destined not to have a good ending for her?

Pages