Newbie Intro and HELP!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Newbie Intro and HELP!!!!
12
Mon, 10-31-2011 - 1:24pm

Ahhh! Back to ivillage I go! I swear these boards have been my savings grace raising kids at different stages/ages.

I'm new here and TG for this board! My DD18 is a freshman in college 5 hours away and we are not adjusting well. DD lives in a dorm and has a meal plan at school so I don't worry too much about her shelter and food requirements. However she requires gas money as she has a horse for the rodeo team which she boards about 10 miles outside of the college area. I pay $200 a month for the boarding and feed/hay, as well as her gas money. We have no financial aid as I have a good income so her college is all student loans (no savings). I'm trying to front load her college costs for next year so we won't have as many loans, but every time I turn around she needs more money! When she was in high school, she had a job so I didn't have to provide much spending money for her. Last week I transferred $160 for fuel and told her it had to last 4 weeks. She blew it all in a week and asked for more this week. My dilima is the horse situation. She has to go to the barn to feed. I don't care about spending money for fun at this point as I don't really care if she has fun! Now I checked her grades and she's got TWO F's!!!! UGH!

My thought is to cut her off and pay her boarding directly. She'll have to hitch rides the rest of the month. I sent her a message today and told her the car and the horse will be sold if she doesn't get her grades up at the end of the semester.

What should I do in the mean time? We've worked a budget multiple times and she doesn't seem to care to stick with it. HELP!!!! Any BTDT moms?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Mon, 10-31-2011 - 1:56pm

Hi and welcome to the board! I remember you from other places around Ivillage. Our younger ds didn't adjust well to going away to college, either. He did fine first semester but then met a girl and stopped going to class in Feb. and flunked out. He, too, blew through our money very quickly - in his case it was mostly on partying. He's now back at home working full time and is starting to talk about going back to school in the fall (CC); this time we'll probably make him pay for it up front and if he does well we'll pay him back. I think if you can arrange to have the people at the stable feed the horse and pay them directly that would be a good thing. Obviously you don't want the horse to go hungry because your dd can't manage her money!

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Mon, 10-31-2011 - 3:46pm

I have to admit, I know nothing about rodeo. Is this a university team? an extracurricular? Has she been doing this for a long time, and was she able to balance the rodeo and the coachwork in high school? Has she made a commitment to the rodeo team which would affect everyone else if she quit?

Honestly, I think that the reason that

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Mon, 10-31-2011 - 4:02pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Mon, 10-31-2011 - 4:23pm

Sorry to hear your DD is having trouble sticking to her budget; our son did/does, too.

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Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Mon, 10-31-2011 - 6:46pm

Would it be possible to give her the gas money in the form of a prepaid gas card? So she can't use the gas money for manicures or partying or Starbucks etc? I supposed she could still buy snacks in the gas station mini-mart but I think it would be hard to spend $100 on snacks before good sense kicked in. BTW, what kind of vehicle does she drive? One of my ds' friends had her horse at college and she drove a big truck that could pull her horse trailer. A car like that would cost a lot to fill up...

My ds also got some bad grades his first term. When we saw his grades we wrote up a contract stating that for any class with final marks below a certain grade, the fees needed to be reimbursed to us. He worked full time the summer after freshman year and had to hand over most of his earnings to us. That never happened again. I'll never know if it was due to the pain of having to repay us, or just growing up and wising up a little. He continued to party more than I liked for the rest of his college years but he managed to keep his grades up and work a part time job. I had to be tough about the money too. I gave him a set amount on the first of each month and wouldn't give him any more. I got a few pitiful phone calls and I had to tell him I was sorry about his problems but no bailout...it sounds cold but that was the way he was going to learn to take responsibilty for his spending. Like the others suggested, in your case it might be worth it to pay extra to the barn to have them feed and groom the horse while your dd learns her lesson.

A lot of kids kind of go off the deep end their first term at college, what with the absence of supervision, nobody really keeping track whether they show up for class, lots of people around who are up for fun at any hour, etc. I'm not saying that its okay, just that its common. By the second term many of them settle down, having been read the riot act by their parents or put on academic probation by the school or both. And they learn more about self control and balancing the social life with the academics.

What is the chance of your dd getting a part time job, preferably on campus? It would cut into her play time and (hopefully) make her manage the academics better, and remind her that money doesn't grow on trees. If she had to pay for her extra stuff she would probably use her money more wisely.

As you can see, many of us have BTDT so you have lots of company.

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Mon, 10-31-2011 - 7:57pm

I see a some red flags here...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 10-31-2011 - 9:11pm

Well sabr, you pretty much said what I was going to say and said it better.

I can't imagine not allowing a kid to move back home even if they totally flunked out of their freshman year (1st semester) in college, but then again, my 22 yr old DD graduated from college & moved back home--of course she has 2 part time jobs while she's looking for a full time job and she's not irresponsible.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Mon, 10-31-2011 - 10:55pm

Yea I have to agree with you and sabr after I read the OP's last post. I can't imagine telling my kid they can't move back home, either. I mean - it's one thing if they're 35 and still living at home and making no attempt to move on. Or if they're engaged in dangerous/illegal activity. But to convert their room into a guest room 2 months after they go away to school for the first time and tell them they can't ever come home - that seems a bit harsh. Justin made a lot of poor choices in 2009 and into 2010. And I was furious at him and ranted and raved and vented. But bottom line - he's our son and we weren't

Pam
Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Tue, 11-01-2011 - 12:09am

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-1999
Tue, 11-01-2011 - 9:46am

This is one of my pet peeves. Often times high schools encourage kids to hurry up and choose what they want to do so they can go to school and get it over with and become good productive citizens. Most kids at that age have no clue what they want to do. Against the guidance counsellor's wishes, my boys started their first year at a community college. There was no way they were ready to be young adults in an adult world. They had part time jobs and by the end of the week they were tired and so had less thoughts of partying.They still saw their friends and several of their friends that had gone away to school were Christmas graduates.

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