Is she trying to cling to high school or what?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-1999
Is she trying to cling to high school or what?
Sun, 08-14-2011 - 2:31pm
Hey all. First time on this board. I used to do parents of teens, but stopped for a while after the latest "upgrade" to the iVillage message boards. Here goes.

I work for a college. I tried to get dd1 tuition exchange at another school, but couldn't, so she is attending college at my employer. She will live on campus, but obviously, as a local, can maintain relationships with friends going to the cc and friends still in high school. Shortly after graduation, she broke up with a long term boyfriend and started dating casually. Then, end of July she picks the next love of her life, a boy who will be a junior in high school this fall.

My dd1 did not have the best experience in high school. She's wanted nothing more than to get away for the last year. Why the heck is she suddenly, within a month of school starting, is she tying herself back to that place? Because she's local and he has a car, this will not fizzle as a result of never seeing each other. She will also pursue this relationship with the intensity of a heat-seeking missile.

Personally, I can see her giving up the opportunity to meet new people, boys and girls, because she have time for anyone but him (she's done it before). Because she'll transfer to a hospital program for years 2and 3, there really is no "later" for meeting people. I also know that I can't do anything about it, and saying anything will backfire. What i'm asking for is insight. What's causing this? Will it pass? And if she were to realize what she's doing and why, is her 18 year old brain even capable of altering her behavior?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sun, 08-14-2011 - 4:28pm

Your daughter is in a transitional period in her life, and transitions are scary for a lot of people.

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Sun, 08-14-2011 - 7:45pm

Welcome to the board.

Like Rose suggested, after she gets on the college campus she may decide that she's more interested in guys her age or older and lose interest in the HS boy. Also she will quickly realize that in the dorm she has no supervision and few restrictions whereas bf will likely have age-appropriate restrictions and maybe a curfew, which she may not want to deal with for long. Plus he will be preparing for PSATs which will probably seem like something from a million years ago to her, further highlighting the differences. And her dorm mates might tease her about dating a 16yo which could make her reconsider.

Do his parents like her and approve of the relationship? I might have some reservations about my 16yo hanging around a college campus, if his parents feel the same they might put some obstacles in the way of the relationship developing (you can hope).

I think that an 18yo can recognize what's causing her behavior and choose to change it. If she is clinging to the security of the known or a more carefree time, then when she feels more confident in her new university situation she will let go of the old.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-1999
Sun, 08-14-2011 - 8:54pm
I wish. It seems, however, that he already has nearly total freedom, at least when it comes to things like curfew. His mother (father passed away) has started inviting my daughter to family things. If his family has reservations, they're hiding them really well.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Sun, 08-14-2011 - 9:12pm

When I was in high school most of my friends were in the class behind me and I lived in a college town. I went to school there after graduation (still lived at home). I basically went to class, came home and did homework, and then hung out with my friends who were at that time still in high school - I even went to prom with my then-boyfriend at the end of my freshman year of high school (his senior year). My sophmore year my folks moved out of town, I moved into the dorm, and my friends all scattered to different colleges. We kept in touch, saw each other on breaks, etc. but I got into the college scene as they did. I think your dd may find that she's in a whole different world once she moves into the dorm. Is the boy nice? Does he treat her well? Respectful? If so - better she's going out with a nice, decent 16 year old than an 18 year old away from home for the first time that's trying to score as many girls as he can...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 08-15-2011 - 11:53am

Well since she's living in a dorm, she'll definitely be meeting new people w/o even trying.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-1999
Mon, 08-15-2011 - 10:04pm

I hope you're right.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Mon, 08-15-2011 - 10:33pm
creaturemom wrote:
There's also a pretty high percentage of older students.
Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Tue, 08-16-2011 - 4:34pm

Since there were a number of great colleges and universities in Chicago, where I lived, I was able to commute to school.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2004
Wed, 08-17-2011 - 9:51pm

uhh creaturemom, my hugs and more hugs and more hugs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2009
Thu, 08-18-2011 - 12:29am
Welcome back to Ivillage, creature mom!
We are glad to have you join our POCS board!
As you can read we have a great group of parents and loads of nursing experience. How much longer before school starts for both of them? How will she be getting to classes? Does she work too?