Staying in touch with your CS

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2014
Staying in touch with your CS
23
Thu, 08-14-2014 - 12:45pm

Do you expect your CS to communicate with you every day, or are you happy to hear from them just whenever ...

I'm curious, because I always want DD to text me to let me know when she's in her home for the night. I don't expect a long text; just "I'm in". Sometimes, she's at a party or at the library very late and may walk back alone. So I would like her to text me when she's leaving, or at least let me know when she gets in. Usually, she's cooperative, but sometimes she gets annoyed and resentful. She does text / call / FB message me whenever she wants to talk, but doesn't enjoy the responsibility of routine texting like I expect. I'm wondering if you have such expectations and if your CS cooperates.

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Community Leader
Registered: 07-26-1999
Thu, 08-14-2014 - 12:56pm

No, I don't have an expectation of that kind of checking in.  They are adults for the most part now and living her life and already has a lot of responsibilities with school, etc. and doesn't need someone looking over her shoulder all the time.  I know its more of a "I just want to make sure she's fine and safe" attitude on your part, but I Think its excessive.

I know my DD's schedule because she is in Oregon and we are in Texas, so there is a time difference, as well as she is an athlete and has a busy schedule so I don't like to text or call her when she is in class or practices.  So knowing her class and practice schedule I try and make sure I don't text during those times.  Other than that, I expect to hear from her at least weekly, and I always do even if its a funny snap chat picture or just a smiley face text or whatever.  She tries to call or face time at least once a week or every other week to talk to her little sisters also.  But I know that she has a life and a very busy one there and I am no longer involved in her day to day life.

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Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Thu, 08-14-2014 - 1:44pm

I did not expect daily communication of any sort. Once or twice a week was sufficient, usually one phone call and maybe some email in between. In a way I was lucky that when my CS started college there were cellphones but no texting or FB/social media so constant connectedness was not yet the norm. If you are concerned that you would not be notified if something happened to her, you could ask her to make sure that her best friend and her most responsible roommate have your phone number and that they are asked to call you. 

Like Arryl said, to us its just motherly concern for her safety and well-being but to your CS it may seem like controlling or overbearing and that's why she gets annoyed. 

Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Thu, 08-14-2014 - 1:59pm

Nope; ds22 didn't check in much at all - I'd send comics or jokes or newsy info, and he might answer one in about 15-20 (email or text).  Not worried; figured he'd get with me if he had issues. Even now at home for the summer he'll go out with friends; I don't ask who, don't ask when he'll be home, etc. Once he got to college he was 18 and an 'adult' and pretty much loved fending for himself but I knew he'd get in touch if he needed something. Worked out well.  And if/when I did ask how he was doing, he got defensive as if I was questioning whether or not he could make it on his own.  So...maybe 1-2x/week I'd hear something, even just 'ok' or 'fine', and just let it go at that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2014
Thu, 08-14-2014 - 2:08pm

These are good points. I agree it's overbearing and excessive, and this year will be different. I think I got into a habit of worrying because DD started university really young, but she is incredibly responsible, does everything on her own, etc. So I should and will definitely respect her independence. Thanks for your thoughts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Thu, 08-14-2014 - 2:43pm

Chiming in a bit late here but I didn't expect daily contact with the boys when they were off at school. We usually did (and do) talk with them on the phone once or twice a week and may exchange a text or FB message in between if there's something to share. My SIL, however, expects each of her 3 adult dd's (ages 24, 25, and 26) to call her every day. She says it's just to know they're OK but I think that's a bit excessive. They've all graduated college, two with masters degrees and are away from home. One is working as an actuary, one as a speech pathologist, and one is getting ready to pursue law school. My SIL also still manages their banking accounts, makes their doctors appointments, etc. She claims that that's how the girls want it but I'm not so sure...

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2003
Thu, 08-14-2014 - 2:56pm

No, I've calmed down quite a bit from when she first left at 17. I let go and relaxed a little, but then came a period where I had to helicopter again.  We talk now about 3-4 times a week; we may send random texts daily about miscellaneous stuff.  I usually let her do the calling.  The only time I require her to inform me of her whereabouts is if she's leaving the area.  I have come a long, long way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-1999
Thu, 08-14-2014 - 2:58pm

I don't anticipate DS will be checking in daily, once a week is all I really expect. He has to experience growning up without  me hovering over him. If he needs  us, he  knows how to get a hold of us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2009
Thu, 08-14-2014 - 3:12pm

Everyday? Of course not!

When my DD was away for university (here, you do not call degree-granting institutions colleges) for  six years (include post-grad), she will periodically call to chat or to vent or if she needed something.  I left that up to her and her schedule. She would typically call while she was on the way home from her lab, a 90 minute trip, just to pass the time of day. If I hadn't heard from her in 3 to 4 weeks, I would send her an email or call to say hi.  She would check in to say she was home only when she was returning from a visit home and I knew that she would be getting back very late (after midnight).

My son would email every few weeks (3 to 4)  to check in and say hi.

I treated my kids as the adults they were; I did not  expect them to check in with me when they were at the library or at a friend's house or gone out to dinner with friends...We were there is they needed help but we did not rob them of the experiences of standing on their own two feet, making decisions for themselves and living their lives just because of any irrational fears I may have had for their safety.

I understand why your daughter gets annoyed and resentful. You are treating her like she is a child.  What you call "responsibility" is you trying to control your daughter. Step back because before you know it, you will hear only "what you want to hear".

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2009
Thu, 08-14-2014 - 3:19pm

Susy... typical young male responses!!! LOL!

I get that too from my DS.  Answers to any question is "fine" or "Ok". 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2014
Thu, 08-14-2014 - 3:55pm

Thank you for the responses. I appreciate all points of view.

Mom_iteadrinker, I wasn't trying to control my daughter. As i mentioned, she would often walk back alone past midnight, and I wanted to make sure she was safely in. She would sometimes be accosted by people on the street. She was quite underage when she started university. She is, though, incredibly responsible. She has always done everything independently - from cooking, banking, shopping, bill payments, investing her money, she does everything independently. She has even travelled abroad entirely by herself, and she continues to live independently even in the summer months, and I fully encourage it and support her financially and in every way. My concern was to make sure she was safe, but definitely I step back when I realize she resents my "worry". So hopefully, I was not being controlling. She always calls, texts etc. when she wants to talk, and she quite enjoys chatting with us, comes home whenever she wants to, etc. without any pressure of any kind, ever.

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