Daughter's Senior Year

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Daughter's Senior Year
5
Mon, 08-05-2013 - 4:46pm

Not sure if I am posting in the correct board.  MY DD will start her senior year of high school in less than 2 weeks.  Her stepdad and I are looking forward to all the "seniors activites"  planned this year as it has been a hard road at times.  I have asked if we needed to forward any information about her senior activities to her dad and she has stated vehemently that she did not want my ex-husband involved with anything.    

A little back story - My DD has not physically seen her dad (he has remarried and has 2 more kids and lives about 2hrs away) in over 7 years.  He has standard visitation and I have never denied him the right to see his daughter, (I have been there as a child and was not going to have her endure the pain of not seeing a parent when she wanted).  The lines of communication have always been open to him - I have even met him "half-way" many times so he could have his visitation.  During her sophmore year, he did manage to visit one football game to watch her play in the band, but left early due to drizzle and she saw him briefly at a wedding but no other attempts have been made.  He calls maybe once every 5 to 6 months and does not return her calls.  He sent a text messages on her 16 bday and 17th around 5:00am to wish her a happy bday - but never bothered to call her directly.  No cards or anything have been received for bdays or holidays......

Getting to the point.  My daughter does not want him involved with any senior activities including graduation as she feels he has not been involved in her life thus far so why should he take any credit for her graduating.  I am not even sure if he will make an attempt to involve himself until closer to graduation  - but how do I handle this situation.  We will have a limited number of "graduation tickets" and DD wants to invite the people that have influenced her and helped her thru her high schools - how do we approach her dad?  

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-1998
Mon, 08-05-2013 - 7:25pm

I wouldn't approach her dad at all. I'd just affirm her in her choice, because it is a good one, and shows she has self-respect and understands what friendship is supposed to be. By all means, save the graduation tickets for those she wants to include, and if your ex asks, tell him that your D only had a few tickets and wanted them to go to people who had been her mentors growing up.

To make her give the right of participation to someone only because he shares her DNA and has possibly contributed money to her upbringing would undermine everything she understands about loyalty, dignity, and friendship.

Avatar for turtletime
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-1998
Tue, 08-06-2013 - 12:00pm

Let her give the tickets to the people that matter to her. At the same time, don't assign those tickets now. You've got until May or June of next year to worry about this and you never know if she's going to be hit with some need to have dad there a week out. Be flexible. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Tue, 08-06-2013 - 1:20pm
Thanks for the reply....I agree that I need to affirm her choice. I will let the activities come and go and if she decides she wants her father involved, I will let her call him. Once graduation is closer, I will set aside an extra ticket just in case.

 

Community Leader
Registered: 12-16-2003
Tue, 08-06-2013 - 8:19pm

I agree with the other poster. Her dad has been hands off too much for her!

Ramona  Mom to 2 great kids and wife to one wonderful hubby since 1990!

Community Leader
Registered: 07-26-1999
Mon, 08-12-2013 - 9:30am
We were in a very similar situation where as my oldest DD's dad did not decide to come back into her life until she was 10, just as I was getting married to my DH, and at that time he lived in Florida and we lived in Michigan. They did the email, text, phone, FB thing off and on for a long time, but she never really felt any real connection to him and while he tried to forge a relationship with her, she had a hard time with it. The few times he asked about flying in to see her, attend events, etc. she did not want him involved at all, and I sat back and let her take the lead. At this age, they are old enough to make those decisions on their own, and I would respect her decisions. If he asks about it closer to graduation, I would either let her address it with him, or if she does not feel comfortable doing it, just let him know that because of his prior lack of involvement, she prefers he not attend, and leave it at that.
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