Help! Need advice tonight PLEASE.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Help! Need advice tonight PLEASE.
10
Wed, 06-05-2013 - 11:37pm

 Hi!  I think I may have posted here previously.  I don't know what to do.  My daughter has been hanging out with the same group all year.  She is in the 8th grade.  Recently a new girl joined them.  For whatever reason, my daughter doesn't care for her and shared that information with several others in the group.  Well, one of them told the new girl my daughter doesn't like her and the group has now turned on my daughter.  They are all mad at her and think she is judgemental and hateful.  I feel sorry for her but I can't say I'm surprised.  What did she expect? 

So, she has been crying all afternoon and said she would rather die than go to school tomorrow.  She doesn't want to face the group because she thinks they will be mean to her.  They probably will.  She has classes with many of them and it is going to be terrible for her.  She is begging to stay home tomorrow.  She is particularly distressed with the fact that she will have no one to eat lunch with.

Is there any reason to let her stay home tomorrow?  She created this, so this is her consequence, right?  She'll just have to face them Friday anyway.  She thinks that this might blow over some if she waits a day or so.  Ordinarily, I would say "no" but even if she deserves it, I hurt for her.  BTW, I told her to apologize and she has by text, but it hasn't helped much.  They are still mad.  They may not think she is sincere.  I don't really even know if kids these days appreciate apologies. 

I very much appreciate your advice.

Thank you.

C

  

 

Community Leader
Registered: 07-26-1999
Thu, 06-06-2013 - 9:06am

C, I am sorry to hear your daughter is so upset. I wish I had some good advice, or even an opinion on whether letting her stay home is a good idea or not.  I would be inclined to say no.  How much longer does she have in the school year.  It very well may be the best idea for her to just keep a low profile today and tomorrow and hopefully over the weekend things will get better.  Letting her friends know that she is sorry is a good idea, but if she doesn't like the girl, she doesn't like her.  I don't know that she needs to apologize for that exactly, but if they group all likes each other, sucking it up and being cordial with the other girl is what she'll need to do I suppose.  Sorry, not much wisdom here from me.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Thu, 06-06-2013 - 9:35am

She has only two and a half weeks.  I don't expect her to apologize for not liking the girl.  I think she owes her an apology for not treating her nicely.  The girl did nothing to her.  It seems that even her best friend agrees that my daughter has not behaved reasonably.think she is holding a grudge for something the kid did a coulple of years ago to a friend in elemenary school.  Also, she has a bit of a reputation for doing things with boys.  My daughter is very judgement when it comes to things like that which I like. Still, as you say, she still needs to be cordial.  We can't go around being unpleasant to everyone we dislike.  Unless the person is bullying or abusive, she needs to learn to keep things to herself more.  Also, she is very dramatic.  She needs to tone it down.  If she doesn't like a person's outfit, it's "completely hideous".  I know her, I'm sure she didn't handle this well.  She is begging me to take her school after lunch so she won't miss her math test but can avoid the group. 

She made her bed, I'm thinking I need to let her lie in it.  I don't want to though.

Thank you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Thu, 06-06-2013 - 9:35am

She has only two and a half weeks.  I don't expect her to apologize for not liking the girl.  I think she owes her an apology for not treating her nicely.  The girl did nothing to her.  It seems that even her best friend agrees that my daughter has not behaved reasonably.think she is holding a grudge for something the kid did a coulple of years ago to a friend in elemenary school.  Also, she has a bit of a reputation for doing things with boys.  My daughter is very judgement when it comes to things like that which I like. Still, as you say, she still needs to be cordial.  We can't go around being unpleasant to everyone we dislike.  Unless the person is bullying or abusive, she needs to learn to keep things to herself more.  Also, she is very dramatic.  She needs to tone it down.  If she doesn't like a person's outfit, it's "completely hideous".  I know her, I'm sure she didn't handle this well.  She is begging me to take her school after lunch so she won't miss her math test but can avoid the group. 

She made her bed, I'm thinking I need to let her lie in it.  I don't want to though.

Thank you!

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Thu, 06-06-2013 - 10:50am

Your DD has learned a valuable lesson at age 13:  to keep your dislike of other people as private as possible.  That's part of the middle school experience, unfortunately.  (I didn't learn it until I was 30, so lucky her for learning it now.)

I'm sure your inclination to let it go for a day or two is based on a desire not to see your DD hurt more than she already does, but "I want to stay home from school" is the kind of magical/avoidance thinking that most 13yos engage in - "If I stay away from the problem, it will go away."  Unfortunately, it won't, and her avoiding it just postpones the consequence, it doesn't make it disappear.

Exaggerated statements are also very typical of this age.  That doesn't mean you shouldn't try to demonstrate more nuanced wording ("that top isn't flattering, but her shoes are really cute" rather than "OMG that is so HIDEOUS!"), or remind her that every opinion doesn't need to be voiced aloud (something I have to work on all the time!).  But having listened to many years of conversations among middle-school and high-school girls, I can tell you that exaggeration is just part of adolescent speaking.  *Everything* is so important!

One other thing to remind her of is the difference between exercising good judgment and being judgmental.  Exercising good judgment would include recognizing bad behavior in others and making the private decision to steer clear of people who exercise bad judgment.  Being judgmental OTOH would mean thinking, "She's so <insert adolescent-girl-word of choice>, who wants to be around HER!"  Teaching her to identify people who aren't healthy for themselves or for her is great, but passing judgment on others is not.

Sorry you are going through this tough time with your DD.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2013
Thu, 06-06-2013 - 2:00pm

C~

I may be too late regarding what to do today, but I wanted to come on and offer some encouragement.  I'm sorry to hear your daughter is experiencing this - being a teen can already be challenging!  

While I don't have any specific advice either, I did want to share an article with you from where I work on bullying.  I'm not sure if it applies or not, but when you mentioned that your daughter does not want to go to school, it brought the article to mind.  http://bit.ly/13JaNiU

Hoping everything goes okay for her today!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Thu, 06-06-2013 - 2:02pm

Thank you so much for your response. I feel better.  I did send her to school.  She sent a text and she is surviving.  Geez, they can be sooooo insensitive these days.  I know they have always been this way, but I believe it is much worse.  It seems like all the parents I know have gone out of their way to instill self esteem in their children.  But I wonder if it is back firing in our faces.  Seriously.  We are not nearly as strict as our parents were and we actually listen to our kids and allow them to have an opinion.  Having said that...what I am seeing is a generation of kids that is less sensitive and respectful toward others, less independent, certainly less responsible with just as many mental health issues, if not more.  What do you think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Thu, 06-06-2013 - 2:02pm

Thank you so much for your response. I feel better.  I did send her to school.  She sent a text and she is surviving.  Geez, they can be sooooo insensitive these days.  I know they have always been this way, but I believe it is much worse.  It seems like all the parents I know have gone out of their way to instill self esteem in their children.  But I wonder if it is back firing in our faces.  Seriously.  We are not nearly as strict as our parents were and we actually listen to our kids and allow them to have an opinion.  Having said that...what I am seeing is a generation of kids that is less sensitive and respectful toward others, less independent, certainly less responsible with just as many mental health issues, if not more.  What do you think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2013
Thu, 06-06-2013 - 6:29pm
I hear you! I don't know if they are more or less than when we were kids - or if it is just our perspective now that we are older. :-) I'm glad she went to school and that she is doing okay . . . keep us updated! Praying for you . . .
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Fri, 06-07-2013 - 12:38am

Thank you so much for your response Mahopac.  You have no idea how much I appreciate it.  I agree with you completely and you helped me keep this in perspective.

Hug.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Fri, 06-07-2013 - 12:40am

Thank you for your support Arryl. Smile