OT question about marriage...

Avatar for heatherr1
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Registered: 03-31-2003
OT question about marriage...
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Mon, 10-27-2003 - 8:47am
I know that this question might not belong in this section, but I am not sure that everyone gets to the bottom of the page.

Do you and your husband yell at each other? I am not talking about raising your voice, but real, mad, top of your lungs yelling when you are fighting. I am not talking about an everyday occurance, but has it ever happened in your marriage?

Thanks,

Heather












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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2003
Mon, 10-27-2003 - 9:11am

We have been married 10 years and it seems that lately we do this all the time.

Melissa

Mom to Amanda 7  RaeAnn 4 and Corben 20 months

      

Avatar for triptakers
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Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 10-27-2003 - 9:15am
Sure, now and then we get a bit worked up. Fortunately, we've been able to cool off & resolve things afterwards, though.

One thing that helped in the beginning (I was much fiestier then, lol), we read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. I know it sounds hokey, but it did give some good insights. I think that book is what has helped us stop fighting when it's obviously not going to lead anywhere constructive & just take up the issue later, when we're calmer.


Edited 10/28/2003 6:49:59 AM ET by triptakers

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 10-27-2003 - 9:35am
Delurking-- almost never. DH has a low tolerance for conflict, and I don't love it. We don't yell at each other and rarely yell at the children (downside is, when we do, they cry-- it's distressing to them). DH has never in 17 years yelled at me-- raised his voice maybe once a year! I'm guessing we are unusual in that regard-- certainly my parents yelled now and then. We have conflict, don't get me wrong, but we try to figure it out in talking tones simply because neither one of us can tolerate a high emotional temperature (on the other hand, we are snuggly and loving but DH is not going to seize me in some highly dramatic and romantic kiss-- not his style!)

I think some families yell more-- just have a louder volume setting! However, if it hurts, something's wrong.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-27-2003 - 9:44am
Men Are From Mars/Women Are From Venus had a huge impact on our marriage too. In fact I've talked to more people who say the same thing! John Gray has some amazing insight. (BTW, did you know his ex-wife is the author Barbara DeAngelis?) Anyway, since reading his books we fight a lot differently. Hardly at all anymore in fact. It used to get pretty ugly. Not physical or anything, but name calling and dragging up baggage from the past. Now we're much more tolerant and understanding of each other.

HTH!

~Jodi

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 10-27-2003 - 9:49am
Yes. Just last Thursday in face *blush*

Usually I'm the one who starts the yelling. I just don't realize it. My side of the family is VERY loud. We talk loud, some would consider it yelling, but it's just the way we are.

Heather

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2002
Mon, 10-27-2003 - 9:54am
in our case NO if we feel the urge to scream at the other we go into separate rooms to cool off then talk about the problem. i grew up with my parents screaming at each other nonstop and i refuse to have that in my marriage. if we are upset about something talking it out is better then screaming it out

chelle 23 dh larry 26 and baby boy alex born sept 23rd

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Avatar for heatherr1
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Registered: 03-31-2003
Mon, 10-27-2003 - 9:57am
Thanks to everyone for the replies, I appreciate it.

I am a voice raiser, and would probably be considered a hothead. I am hot tempered and in all honestly probably push things a little too far. My DH and I have been married 9 years, together for 11, and he has yelled twice. Once was when we were both worked up because water from an overflowing sink was flowing through the floor onto the computer below it. I didn't think twice about that, I was furious because it was partially his fault and I probably pushed him too far. That was about 2 years ago. I get aggrivated often, but furious almost never. Yesterday, my DH got irritated listening to my 8 yo DD bicker back and forth about a report she is doing for school, and he rolled his eyes at me for the way I was handling things(a little passive-aggressive:), so I told him that if he had a better way then just speak up. He completely flew off the handle and lost control, he was furious and I was shocked because he is not highly demonstrative. It was weird, and it is hard to think about. We did talk about it later, but I can't stand the thought of him ever acting like that again. It basically came out of nowhere.

Now, we do have conflict, but all in all our marriage has been pretty good the last couple of years. We never fight, but do argue now and then. The whole month of Oct has been VERY hard and stressful because he lost his job, but then just got it back 4 days ago, so we have really been through it this month. I am just wondering what goes on in other people's lives.

Thanks again,

Heather












Avatar for saram6778
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 10-27-2003 - 10:14am
in my first marriage, yes we yelled, fought, hit, scratched...

in this marriage, NO, we rarely yell at each other. Once in a while one of us will get irratable and snap at the other one, but yelling just isn't accepted. If we get mad at each other, which of course happens, I tend to want to be left alone for a while, then we talk about it later. We usually end up laughing over whatever dumb thing we were mad about :)


Sara
WAH Momma to Nicholas 4-7-01 and Katherine 3-9-05

Baby Slings




iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Mon, 10-27-2003 - 10:47am
Yes, we have. I'm not proud of it, and I am especially ashamed to say taht we've done it in front of our children.

Peggy

Avatar for heidee0
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Mon, 10-27-2003 - 11:32am
It has happened in my 11+ year marriage but not often. DH comes from a very disfunctional family. They yelled and argued often. My parents rarely raised their voices when I was growning up. I had a very plesant homelife in my childhood. DH has had to learn how to discuss things rather than be confrontational--which makes me close up and retreat.

We have very healty communication in our marriage.

Heidi

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