My DD was 7 when she was dx ADHD and they were talking ODD as well.
My son is ADHD and ODD, and yes we have homework battles galore. Is your DD on medication? I find (this year) the key to homework is getting him started before his meds wear off. 4:30 is the magic number here... if homework isn't done by 4:30, there's no way it's getting done.
I also find that you need to pick your battles, and he has to have the last word. He can't not. There are somethings just not worth the fight. My modus operandi lately is when he gets combative, to send him to his room to cool down. When he's calm again, he can come down, apologize, and we can try to discuss the problem - trouble shoot, if you will. I refuse to get into it, until after he's calmed down, though. This is for everything, not just homework.
Can you get your Mom to read the Explosive Child? That might give her some insights into the ODD. I'd also see if you could bring your Mom to the therapist, again to give her some insight into the ADHD/ODD.
Hi and welcome
Does she take meds for ADHD? Has she been taking the same med/dose a while now? It may be time for a med change, if she takes meds. If she doesn't then it may be time to look into that.
We do Start
A child may HAVE ADHD, but it is not what they ARE. Never tell a child they ARE ADHD.
You, your mom, AND your dd should be in counseling, as well as getting her on the appropriate meds. There are parenting techniques for ADD/ODD kids, and BOTH you and you mom need to learn them and implement them equally. That will also get you out of the her-way/your-way box. You both need to do it the counselors way!
I don't know who told your dd <>, but I KNOW it wasn't a specialist in ADD or ODD. You dd may be at a PHYSICAL age to be concerned if she fails, but emotionally and mentally, she isn't. And she could not care LESS if she fails. Remember that ADDers live at the “mercy of the moment.” They have two time frames: “Now,” and “Huh.” There is no future. There is no past. There is only now. If you want to understand the ADHDers actions, just ask yourself: What behavior would make sense if you only had 4 seconds to live?
The homework NEEDS to be done, because she NEEDS an education, and in order to get an education, she NEEDS to learn she must do what is necessary. She does NOT get to make the rules. HOWEVER, there are ways to approach this that do not involve a battle.
Sell, don't tell. ADDers and ESPECIALLY ODDers do not respond well to orders. Convince them, reward them, let them have some control. For instance, DOING the homework is not up for discussion, but let her choose where she does it, or how often you check up on her.
Regardless of other negotiations, homeworks' hard and fast rule is, "First we work, THEN we play".
Discuss in advance what is expected. Have the child repeat out loud the terms he just agreed to
Instead of punishing wrong behavior, set a reward for the correct behavior you would rather replace it with. Rewards should be immediate, frequent, powerful, clearly defined, and consistent.
Head off fights before they begin. Seek to diffuse, not to inflame. When tempers flare, allow everyone to cool off. Discussion can only occur during times of composure.http://www.pediatricneurology.com/probsolv.htmhttp://www.thinkkids.org/parents/http://www.pediatricneurology.com/anger.htmhttp://jamesdauntchandler.tripod.com/ODD_CD/oddcdpamphlet.pdf
She is on medication however I am not sure if it isn't time to make some changes since most of the struggles are in the evening.
And she def. has to have the last word... to the point she will start arguing about stuff that isn't even happening, going to happen etc.
My girls get off the bus just before 4 so they don't get started real early either.
Actually her therapist, teachers and counselors all told me not to fight with her about it...one of the reasons I changed schools because the teachers would remark that her grades were good but could be better if she did her homework...yet they said not to fight with her AND then there was NO consequences for it.
I would contact her Psychiatrist, about meds, or a change in them. Also, contact the Special Ed director for her new school, and tell them you want an evaluation....they Might go ahead and put a 504 in place based on a previous IEP, but they may also want to do their own testing.
YOu may want to see if you can find a high school student, or a college student who is willing to help with homework a few days a week. Kids often respond better to someone
Ok, not sure what kinds of services you have where you live, but maybe you need to check a bit to see what you can qualify for.
Some schools have a homework club or tutoring group that perhaps would be a good option for her to stay after and do the work with someone other than your mother, if you or your mother can pick her up there.
Boys and Girls Club may also be of help. I think that membership is still about $15 a year, and many times they have after school clubs, sometimes at the school, sometimes at other locations that the bus may be able to drop off your daughter. They generally have homework time as well as recreational and art oriented activities.
After school recreation programs - many operate on a sliding fee scale, especially if operated by parks and recreation or YMCA/YWCA.
Other programs - it doesn't hurt to ask if they offer scholarships. Ask at the school (teachers, counselors) Parks and Recreation, churches and any place else that you can think of, like daycare referral programs.
It also may not be a bad idea if nothing else pans out (or even if it does) to check out Big Brothers Big Sisters. A non-family member taking an interest in her and encouraging her (and probably saying the same things you and your mother are - but it is different because it is not either of you) may also make a difference.
And, if nothing else works - can she get up early and do her homework (or at least a certain amount of it) before school? I know my son can concentrate best in the morning. By afternoon she may be so worn out from people telling her to "do your work" that it helps her slip into the ODD mode. I am not ADHD or anything, but the thought of bring home work to do at home really rankles me. I am sure it does a lot of kids too, especially when they see that their parents are not bring stuff home - not to say that house work doesn't count - but it isn't "work" if you get my meaning.
I wish I could offer more advice to help with your mother, but really, it sounds like she is very set in her ways and is not going to change. A break from your mother may be the best thing that you can do for your daughter if you can find the right program - even if only for a couple afternoons a week.