Dating a Dad-Son w/ADD & Anxiety?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Dating a Dad-Son w/ADD & Anxiety?
12
Tue, 06-16-2009 - 12:09pm

Hi-


I am new to this board. I have been dating a man whom has a 10 yr. old son w/ ADD (on concerta) and has major anxiety issues (per the father). I have yet to meet the son. He primarily lives with the Mom, and Dad has him ever other weekend and 2 nights a week. I was never married and have no children. This whole thing is overwhelming and I am trying to understand.


Is it normal for a 10 year old to say to the father, "I do not want furniture in my room, as I am sleeping with you "? The father still cuts the kid's food and place milk in the cereal bowl. My niece whom is 7, does this herself...and I am not comparing or putting down children with ADD. I am just trying to understand. The child has been afraid he is going to be kidnapped since he was 5 (he has been continually in counseling) and this issue still exists. The father cannot take the dog for a walk

seachells

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2007
Tue, 06-16-2009 - 1:28pm

HI, and welcome


All of those things are part of ADHD, and the anxiety, mostly the anxiety. Some kids cannot rationalize

A child may HAVE ADHD, but it is not what they ARE. Never tell a child they ARE ADHD.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2007
Tue, 06-16-2009 - 9:17pm
Children with ADD need structure and rules. They do not deal well with change. Children whose parents have gone though divorce have anxiety, but this would be worse if the child had ADD. If he only sees his dad 2 nights a week every other week, it is reasonable that the child would be upset if his dad left him. Think about it-he did leave him when the parents split, right? That kind of thing sticks with a kid. Even if he's still in his life, its not the same as it was and that is really rough for a kid to deal with. A kid, whether they have ADD or not, would have a problem with this situation. Also, you should understand that each child has different needs and each parent is different. My son is 8 and I still do everything for him. I cut his meat, I put milk in his cereal, I lay his clothes out for him. I would do this even if he didn't have ADHD. It's just how I am. Am I spoiling him? I don't think so. He doesn't get everything he wants. It's just how we do things.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2009
Tue, 06-16-2009 - 9:34pm

I just wanted to add to what the PP said about doing things for our kids. Many kids who have ADHD have other issues as well. My DS has fine motor issues and that age could not have cut his meat, nor could he have poured milk into his cereal bowl without pouring most of it onto the counter or floor. Someone on the *outside* would not have known this about him.

I'm a step-mom (of 7 years) to a 20 yr old who has ADHD and to an 18 yo who is mildly mentally challenged and who also has ADHD. I'm also a mom to a 12 yo with fairly severe ADHD (in addition to other issues). One thing that both I and my DH (who is step-dad to my DS) had to learn, was to trust that each of us was doing what's best for our respective kid(s). Even if we didn't immediately see the benefit of the others' parenting, we just had to trust each other.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Thu, 06-18-2009 - 8:55am

Thanks Everyone-


I am just trying to understand all of this. I agree that the divorce caused some ( a lot)added anxiety/abandonment

seachells

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2007
Thu, 06-18-2009 - 11:33pm
I think its great that you are understanding about this and know it's not the boys fault. My son has asthma. I am required to provide the school with an inhaler and the aftercare (separate). This means that at the beginning of the year I have to have 3 inhalers (1 for us too). My son has never had to use the one except at home. So if I can get 3 rx's, your boyfriend should be able to have an Rx for his home too. I don't think the dr would object given the circumstances-even if its not a full rx. Call him out on things like that-kids can use all the advocates they can get.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2009
Fri, 06-19-2009 - 6:10am

Are you absolutely sure that your BF wants to medicate when he's having his visitation with his DS. Not all parents medicate during non-school hours, even if it makes weekends and evenings a little harder. I'm just reading between the lines and wondering if faulting his ex (for not providing the meds) might be an easier explanation rather than getting into the reasons why he doesn't medicate.

If he has joint legal custody, then getting a small prescription for his time should be do-able, and if he doesn't then it might be that the ex doesn't want the boy medicated during non-school hours, and in that case there nothing much to be done.

<<>>

I'm wondering if the boys parents have judged the meds as not being as *needed* as you think that they might be. Like I said before, not all parents medicate their kids 100% of waking hours, and some choose to not medicate at all. It's not always *needed* and these meds can have very serious side-effects. I know with my DS, I only medicated when absolutely necessary (like for school).

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 06-19-2009 - 10:39am

That one could actually be legit--Concerta (and all the ritalin derivatives) are extremely highly regulated. Differences from normal meds: You can *only* get a 30 day prescription. You can't get a refill more than 7 days before it runs out. They can NOT call in the prescriptions OR fax them, you have to have a hard-copy (either pick it up or mail it). To get an extra pill or two for "backup" can be done by carefully filling scripts at 28 days instead of 30, but it's tough. And then you have to factor in the fact that the Dr's office screws up, etc., costing time.

And IF he does get the pills, I'd highly recommend having them only in whatever container they came in--I mean, one of the old pill bottles, whatever, with the current prescription on it.

Class 3 drugs--or whatever they call these--are a pain in the butt!!! But, ritalin, etc., are street-drugs & abused, so all of us legit people pay the price.

Megan
Megan
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Sun, 06-21-2009 - 3:17pm

Thanks Everyone-


I advised BF that I am tryin to educate myself on ADD. He is in the medical field as am I.

seachells

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2007
Mon, 06-22-2009 - 8:08am
When you meet him act as if you were meeeting anyone, child or adult. Maybe find out what he is "in to" and bring a gift, a book or small toy?

A child may HAVE ADHD, but it is not what they ARE. Never tell a child they ARE ADHD.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2009
Mon, 06-22-2009 - 10:28am

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