Discipline ideas?! I dont know what to do. 2 girls - youngest is ADHD/ODD

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Discipline ideas?! I dont know what to do. 2 girls - youngest is ADHD/ODD
2
Mon, 11-11-2013 - 8:59am

My kids & I recently moved into a lovely new townhome.   My husband had an affair & I opted to move out w/the kids, while he & his mistress take over the lovely family homestead.  

Anyway, my kids are 18 & 15 & I am just APPALLED at how they will do NOTHING for me in my new townhome.   My oldest says she uses so few dishes, so she doesnt need to participate in running or unloading the dishwasher.   My youngest says she runs the dishwasher (ie pushes the buttons) so she shouldnt unload it.

I dont know what their excuse is about the trash, but they wont take it out.

I have unloaded the dishwasher every time since we've lived here & Ive taken out the trash every time.

If I start talking about it & telling them to do this & that, it ends up a screaming match.   They dont do it.   My youngest, in fact, will make a mess, or drop something on the floor & walk right over it.   She will NOT pick it up.

I have no control.   My ex is of no help.   He makes gobs of $ & spends it on them.   He tells them not to worry about any threats I make (ie taking away phones) because he will cover it.    I refuse to take my younger one out to buy things she needs & she raises cane w/my ex, talking about how awful I am. 

Im starting to talk to my ex about my younger one coming to live with him.   He basically is a doormat who will put up with anything.   $  helps a lot with him.   If she doesnt want to clean at his house, he just calls a maid & pays them.    

My oldest is truly a "good citizen", but, unbelievably will NOT help with anything that involves the household.   Only her own room.

With as much hell as I personally have had to live thru with the affair & getting back on my feet & having to leave my beloved home, these girls have not lifted one finger to help me.   I moved every single box (maybe 300?) alone up & down 2 flights of stairs.   It has taken me weeks & the girls complain about why things have not gotten cleaned & organized sooner.   Ive done all the moving, arranging utilities, improvements, organized the kitchen, organized the food.  The girls have done nothing.   Not one thing.   Only their own things.

I need some discipline ideas.    At ages 18 & 15, I feel it is tooooo late.  These are not MEAN kids (well, maybe my youngest is), but I cant believe they havent helped me out of love, if nothing else.   My ex is (behind my back) feeding this.   He is enjoying the way they are behaving, because it hurts me.   

What can I do at this point?   I feel like it is just too late & Im going to have to accept that Im doomed to a few more years of cleaning up behind them.   My 18yo has talked of moving out &, because of all this, Im encouraging her.   Ive also started pushing more that my youngest go live with my ex.  

:(    He would like nothing more than this, as he wants the girls with his mistress to be one happy family (altho they HATE her guts!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2011

I think you should consult a therapist and all see one so you can work on these issues. They should be helping you out, regardless of what your ex is doing. You should also consult your lawyer on the best way to deal with your ex. At some point your daughters will realize what he is truly like, I'm sorry he's encouraging them to behave so selfishly (just like he has been to you). You need to just set down the rules and stick to it. It will be harder with the 18 year old, but she's still living under your roof.  If he gets them a new phone, take that one away as well!  What a jerk!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2014

I would let him have them! The 18 year old is an adult & can be on her own & is a guest in your house & should treat it as such. The 15 year old can live with her dad from now on. Her problems are already formed. I don't think there's anything you can do without his support.