Don't know where else to turn..(long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2003
Don't know where else to turn..(long)
Thu, 09-11-2003 - 3:09pm

This is the thrid board I have posted this post on, not knowing which would be a good place to post this....

I am new here on this board. I have a 10 year old son (stepson) with many many issues. At first everyone thought it was just because of his mom and dad getting divorced, and that ds son lives here with us in MA and mom lives in CA. The school felt bad and ingorned all the signs of ADD and other psych problems. Ds has been in my care since he was 3 years old, so I know him well. I have always thought ADD, but every year the school and teachers would say it is not ADD, it is what he went thru, ( which I might add, is not any differnt than any other parents that divorce) but as he grew older the signs were more noticable and more of a problem. His grades last year in 4th grade fell from A's to F's and the teacher and counslor took it amongst themselves to come to a conclusion on his grades, which was he had to get on a plane to visit his mom for Christmas, and he was nervous. Well ds can be play the victum so well, and he has done that with everyone that has come in contact with him.

Well I finally took him out of the school system and and to Mass General for testing. Well it came back that therer were evident signs of ADD. He has been put on Paxil from his therepist who thought he was suffering from depression. Know sure if it has helped. But now things have spun out of control. His vist to his mom and stepdad over the summer was a mess. He fought with sf the whole time, lied to everyone, and made mom's vist a living hell. Mom and myself get along real well, we have become very good friends over the years due to my son. So myself, my husband and mom are all on the same page, but can't seem to get anyone else until now. I finally got the core evualtion at the school, which the claim will be done and ready to talk about for an Oct 7th meeting. I got him a new outside counslor, which hopefully we discuss the taking him off paxil. I just know after the testing at school, at the meeting they are going to tell me he is fine, and there is nothing wrong. The school has been helping me, meaning the teachers, and I just think he is going to be put aside. I know SE costs the school money, and I strongly feel that when I had brought up the core testing to his teacher last year, that it was waste, well that is what she told me, that I would be wasting time if I got this testing done, that he did not need it, there were no signs of ADD he is just depressed. Needless to say myself and the teacher hardly spoke after that, until I walked into the SE department with my recomendation from Mass General, I guess that got the ball rolling and he was bumped up to the beginging of the list for testing this year. But I do fell they are going to prove themselves right at the meeting.

At this point, I know meds and children are a big thing, but I will try anything to helpo my son in life. He has no friends, I feel as though he is just there! Here in a nutshell is my son day to day, min to min......

Simply tasks such as brushing teeth and hair and a huge deal, never looks at you when you talk, takes the shortcuts in everything he does. He has no body coornadtion what so ever, he is emtionally and socially behind. He can not be with more than ONE kid at a time, can not play in groups, he strives for attention 24/7 from anyone he can get it from. Wants everything to be about him and just him. His self esteem seems low, but in the next breath he walk around as though he is too good to do this, or too good to talk to this person. Can not get him to go outside, would sit in front of the TV all day, rolling all over the floor, flippying around the couch. He reads in the dark and does not thing twice about turning a light on. He does alot of "deer in the head lights look" when he is being asked a question. No matter what time he goes to bed at night, his body is up at 5 in the morning, and he just sits in his room until the two youngest get up, around 7 am. He fights with his 4 year old and 2 year old siblings as though they are peers. He got into a fight last year with a girl, who was touching him first, but when he got mad, he turn around and pushed this girl down the stairs, when confronted by me on the issue, he told me he never knew that you were not suppose to touch or hit a girl. See he is very very behind.

We are at our last rope with this. I don't know what to do. It had got so bad last school year that me and dh were ready to send him to go live with his mom in CA. It was too much for us. We have two other children we need to deal with, and my youngest with many GI problems. After this summer his mom told me that he was out there and was the same way, she too said I can't have this, it was tearing her marriage apart. Not to mention she too has a two year old.

I know my situation is a little different since there are other issues, but when you take them out, my ds lives in a two parent family, with two siblings, I am a stay at home mom, our children never need or sometimes, want for things. Mom may live in CA, but she is in his life in a big way. Can anyone help me,offer any advice? I feel like I am ready to just explode with frustration....Thanks for letting me vent...and for reading...I can also be contacted at Crispyfunk@aol if anyone has any information that I can read or something...again, thank you


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2003
Thu, 09-11-2003 - 4:19pm
Christine... when they did the work up at Mass Gen. did they mention anything else? I swear, you have just described my son at that age - and right now we're pretty sure he's Asperger's too. You might want to look into that for more information at least so you have a direction to go in. The social skills or lack thereof, the deer in the headlights look when asked a question - these were tip offs for me. My son usually has a very flat look on his face too - more in photographs. We noticed it there first. (among a lot of other issues)

Okay, you have a recommendation from a qualified medical institution... you have the means to fight with it. The school has NO RIGHT to tell you your child is just depressed over the divorce (particularly since this has been ongoing for more than 3 years!). That's the biggest load of caca I've heard in a long time. Next time they pull that, ask them where they got their medical degrees! Remind themt that you have had him checked out at a qualified medical institution and they seemed to think differently. And that until they show you a medical degree, their comments about depression are unwarranted and unwanted (now I'm not saying he doesn't have this in conjuntion - that happens a lot and that could be something else that needs addressed as well)

Secondly - go into this meeting on the 7th with a child advocate if you can get one. Trust me, it will be good money spent for this person to go with you. They know the laws of your DOE and will be like a pit bull on your behalf. You need to be armed with good help and one who will cut through the garbage and get you the help he needs.

Third, it wouldn't help to get him off the paxil - especially since he's more ADD than depressed according to his evaluation. And if you could get another therapist, it might not be a bad idea, one that specializes in ADD kids or similar issues. It doesn't sound like this one really has your son's best interests at heart.

The good news is, you, mom in CA and Dad are all on the same page. You all know there's more here than the school is willing to deal with. So keep fighting.

You're welcome to email me at any time. Or find me on IM - klorden13. And breathe! find some time for you when you can. You've got to fight for this boy, but it's worth it in the end. Hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2003
Thu, 09-11-2003 - 5:53pm
WOW, thank you so much, I would love to talk to you, you can IM me at CrispyFunk. Thanks again for your input, I would to know more about this. Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 09-11-2003 - 6:32pm

Another area you might want to explore is Central Auditory Processing Disorder. there is a board here on PS, but it doesn't give a lot of information of things to look for. I would do a key word search on google putting in:

CAPD auditory processing

You will find a lot of web pages with lists of things to look for. It is also a very common co-morbid (at the same time diagnosed) with both AD/HD and Asperger's Syndrome. A child can have one, both, or all three.

I hate to bring up another thing, but also look at

sensory integration disorder or SID. Again, this is very common with AD/HD, CAPD, and Asperger's. If he has SID, he can get occupational therapy from the school system as part of his 504 plan.

I haven't done an IEP, so I am not talking from experience, but, if after reading about these other things you think some of them may be part of you child's issues, then you should think long and hard about signing his IEP until they are addressed by the IEP team.

Remember, if you think your son has Asperger's Syndrome, you can take him to your local TEAACH center and get him evaluated for free. The CAPD evaluation has to be done by an Audiologist. Many school systems try to get the Speech and Language Pathologist (speech teacher) to just treat CAPD, but an actual diagnosis comes from an Audiologist. My son has no speech delays, but has CAPD.



Avatar for keke0116
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-11-2003 - 8:15pm
Hi Christine ... OK, there's lots going on. But, before I forget, I need to say that when you have him taken off Paxil (and based on what you said, it sounds like you need to do that 'cause it's not 'treating' anything wrong with him) be VERY VERY careful. WEAN him off slowly, and under a doctor's supervision. I have a friend who ended up very ill when she stopped taking Paxil. It's a long story, and really bizarre, but Paxil withdrawal has severe reactions in many people. Let me see if I can find that website ... This is just one of many. But, my friend almost ended up having exploratory surgery done to find out what the problem was. Just be cautious, OK?

Anyway ... IF you have a diagnosis of ADHD from a licensed medical professional, I don't know why the school even needs to do further testing. In reality, he may not need SE, he may just need the right meds to treat his disorder, and you may find a whole different kid afterward. You may also want to continue therapy/counseling for him, with or without the support of the school. You may want to schedule an IEP ... that info I can give you: in order to get a 'team' together to find ways to work with and best help this child. But, the school shouldn't have to 'test' ... you've done that already. Now it's a matter of finding the right 'fit' for him, and ways to help.

A few other sites I'd like you to look at. First is All Kinds of Minds which is very informative. Not all kids learn the same way, and some kids just have different learning styles and are mis-diagnosed as ADD/ADHD because they don't fit in the traditional mold.

The other is my own website on ODD: I'm not saying that your child has ODD, but it's something worth exploring. You may also like to pop in on the ODD board here at Parentsoup for additional input ... lots of support there.

OK, gotta scoot ... hope this helps!



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