DS has 1st p-doc appt today ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
DS has 1st p-doc appt today ...
Tue, 05-27-2003 - 9:58am
... and I am very nervous. We have done the "licensed therapist" thing, the "child psychologist" thing, so why is this one throwing me so much for a loop? I actually feel teary and shaky. We already have a dx of ADD for ds, and he is currently taking Strattera (with mediocre results, at best - he developed a facial tic on the otherwise-more-effective Ritalin so stimulant meds are a no-go). I am REALLY dreading the rest of the "alphabet soup" that may follow and the implications of any dx we receive. Other than some issues with his ability to focus in the afternoons, DS does so great at school -- in his regular classroom and in his gifted pull-out -- and with his friends and in his various activities ... pretty much everywhere but home. What if the p-doc says that it is all our (mine and dh's) fault that ds' behavior is the way it is?? That ds would be perfectly fine if we weren't such screw-ups with him (yes, the paranoia and self-pity-wallowing are kicking in right on schedule!!) What if there is no med or med combination that works and I spend the rest of my life in constant, clashing conflict with (and being pinched, kicked, and bruised by) a kid who I love more than I could ever have imagined loving anyone before I had him???????

The licensed therapist we are seeing through this practice has not really been any help whatsoever. She has really not given us any concrete things to try with ds, behaviorally-speaking (oh, and she spaced and forgot about an appt we had with her this weekend, on top of everything else, so dh and I were not too happy about thait either). It is one of their requirements that patients see a therapist before and in tandem with seeing a p-doc. Seeing another therapist/psychologist doesn't "count" - has to be one of theirs. I am not ready to bail on this practice yet -- it took a bunch of jumping through hoops to find a reputable p-doc who would see us and who participates in our health insurance -- but I am just feeling unsettled and a bit betrayed that we may be wasting time that could have been better used in getting more effective treatment for ds (yes, I am a type-A person ... so good of you to notice, LOL!)

I am SUCH a wuss, I know. I am feeling like a totally inadequate mom because all of this is throwing me so much today. Is ignorance bliss, or is information power?? I typically am a staunch believer in the latter philosophy, but this morning I'm not quite so sure. To top it off, I am feeling very resentful of dh about all of this -- though I know that is a cr*ppy, cr*ppy way to feel, so I feel guilty as well -- because all of this schtick runs rampant in his family so ds was kind of a "sitting duck" as far as his propensity to have these issues. Obviously, something that dh is more than a tad sensitive about, and something that I can't really talk about with him because it isn't fair or productive to make him feel bad. I think I need some chocolate.

We had the morning from h*ll this morning, my anger- and frustration-management skills S*CKED (more guilt), and I had actually forgotten about the p-doc appointment (it had been re-scheduled by their office and actually bumped earlier than the one we originally had scheduled) until I checked my PDA just before taking ds to the bus stop. Yikes! DS is just bummed that he may miss a spelling test (yeah, the kid loves that stuff!) and recess. I will also have to give him lunch in the car, since the appt is at noon and I plan to take him back to school afterward. (Parenthetical vent: Why don't those who treat children have more kid-friendly hours, for heaven's sake?!! I don't want to work evenings or weekends either, but I didn't choose that type of profession - and I actually to work evenings when I have to hit a deadline! I hate pulling him from school (and he hates being pulled) but to get a late afternoon or early evening appt is ridiculously difficult. Let's not even talk about appts on weekends!)

I hope that no one minds all of this rambling and whining - I am feeling very alone and kind of scared right now and I thought that you guys might "get it". Oh, and dh -- who is usually great about going along for this type of stuff -- never wrote down this appt and now he can't attend because he has a conflict at work. I am usually a pretty upbeat and caring person, with a decent sense of humor even, and I hope that my incessant complaining and worrying on this and other posts has not put you all off.

Thanks for listening - I'll let you know how we fare. Any positive thoughts would be greatly appreciated!!! ~ ruth

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Tue, 05-27-2003 - 11:08am

Feel free to whine, vent, cry, whatever -- it's how we cope, and the support makes us better able to cope, forge ahead, and believe in ourselves and pursue answers, even in the face of occasional disbelieving and often undereducated doctors and caretakers.

You had a bad morning. That always undermines confidence. But we've all had them, and we've all come through them. Kids are surprisingly resilient that way, so long as the fundamental love is there.

Personally, I would look at the pdoc's perception of ds's better behavior at school/worse behavior at home as a test. A good pdoc, particularly one familiar with eobp, in which this pattern is common, will know that these kids often can hold it together in school/public, where the fear of shame or rejection outweighs the internal agitation. But at home, where the opposite is true, where they feel safe and loved no matter what, they let loose.

Believe in yourself and go with your gut. If the pdoc tells you it's your fault and you know better, go elsewhere. If not, you may be lucky enough to have hit on a good one your first try. Most people go through a number of pdocs before they get to the right one (we're on our 3rd pdoc, 2nd tdoc, and finally happy with the combo).

Good luck with the appt!!!


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 05-27-2003 - 11:54am
It's normal to feel nervous. I felt scared at his first peds apppt, psycologist appt, hospital evaluation, second hospital evaluation and first pdocs appt.

I spend so much time trying to parent my child effectively I burn myself out doing neither myself or him any good sometimes. First off, we are not perfect and I defy a parent out there to say they are.

Have you ever seen a parent of an otherwise appropriately "well-balanced" child lose it and start screaming? I have more than once.

I consider us the elite of parents. Ones that need the patience of Saints and are willing to take abuse either verbally or physically. Our chidren are trying at best and at their worst can be more than a parent can bear.

We drag our children out of grocery stores and leave our groceries only to have to go back later and get them by ourselves, we endure biting and kicking and hitting without allowing ourselves to hit back. How many children that are being hit by their parents are the instigators of the fight, not many. We try to stave off meltdowns, stop dangerous impulsive behaviour, and forgo time for ourselves to help our children.

Parents of older children cannot leave them alone in the house like the Mother next door who can zip down to the corner store to get milk. Parents of younger children have to supervise their activities and seldom get the opportunity to quietly watch a well deserved TV program. We stay up all hours of the night, drag our kids out of bed in the morning yelling and screaming to go to school, we dress them when they are alsleep sometimes.

We spend almost as much time at their school as they do, and take too much time off of work or have to quit altogether to manage their children. This does not all necessarily apply to me but I have been reading posts on this board for almost 2 years and have read the struggles, successes and failures.

Please do not think you are a bad parent, it's a trap I fall into occassionally and we don't deserve it. Instead we should be given the purple heart for all we go through.

Good luck at your pdoc appt, I'm sure it will go just fine


Avatar for kathy_in_ga
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-27-2003 - 10:55pm
Hi Ruth! Your doing a great job of parenting, your showing your willing to help your child no matter what. If the Psychiatrist tells you it's your fault, find another doc! One did that to me & we never went back. He said it was my fault my son was hitting me & kicking me. Anyway, we found a good certified child psych, have to travel 2 hours to see her though, ICK! we have been with her for 3 years.

It's easy too loose it, we all have. We are only humans my dear. Your doing the best you can with the help the docs have given you. In my opinion, therapy, psychologist & such are of no help if the child is on the wrong meds. If the therapist is not giving you any ideas, complain, go to another one. Seeing a psych is the 1st place for you to go, they are able to prescribe RX.

Good luck & let us know how it goes!