Feel like husband has hard time w/ son's adhd/tics

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2007
Feel like husband has hard time w/ son's adhd/tics
4
Mon, 08-27-2012 - 7:44pm

Hi,

I don't know if others have this issue, but I feel hurt and upset that my husband has a hard time connecting w/ our son. Not to say Luke is the easiest child in the world (energetic, interrupts, moody, fights w/ sister), but I feel like I'm often alone fighting for him and believing he's a work in progress. My husband constantly says "he just drains me", "he pushes all my buttons", "he drives me crazy", etc. He will attempt to play w/ Luke but not often patiently; then, Luke will get upset he's not doing well, and dh gives up and just plays w/ our daughter b/c she's easier to play with. Or they will play a board game together, and Luke gets restless and moves around alot - dh loses patience and tells Luke to stop or he can't play the game. And today, I was telling dh that Luke missed getting on the bus at school to go home, so I had to pick him up, which I should have known would started the "that kid drives me crazy" - yes, it made me a bit upset and I talked to Luke about keeping his ears open at the end of school for his bus announcement. But it made me sooo mad when I said "this kid will make you proud one day" to which he responded "well, you know we have to be realistic". (?!) What does that mean? He's 7. He's smart and rises to any attention and award (loves earning marbles at home for  prizes). Yea, he can be a little thunderstorm sometimes, but he also blows me a kiss and I catch it on my cheek, then I blow him one and catch his kiss. And he came up behind me while I was washing dishes this evening and hugged me and said "I love you". It just hurts that my dh doesn't have more patience. Luke has tics, which Matt can barely handle - and Luke sees it. Luke will have enough of a hard time without feeling alienated at home too.

When my dd finishes her vision therapy, I'm really hoping to seek some counseling (hopefully find a therapist experienced w/ adhd kids) for insight on how to better handle Luke, for Luke himself, and definitely for my husband and I. I just feel sad about this. I feel like I'm the only parent cheering him on.

Mary

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2007

Hi Abby,

Thanks for your reply and letting me know I'm not the only one experiencing this. It's funny you mention having some hard talks - we had another one last night. And I do at times feel like I have "another" child. And this on top of losing my mom this summer to cancer and having my mil live w/ us (she was going through chemo too and we moved her in so she wouldn't be on her own - she's finished and doing well - and still living w/ us...). And of course trying to keep my head above water at work and all around maintain my sanity (cue crazy-sounding laughter here!). Last night I mentioned to dh to maybe choose non-sporty things to bond over - things Luke likes/is good at such as putting together legos, listening to him read more, or riding bikes. All I can do is keep my fingers crossed.

Mary  

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2011
Hi Mary, I'm Abby and I have a boy with ADHD. I can totally relate to your frustrations, my husband has a very hard time with patience where he is concerned, and it really bothers me to see the hurt look on my son's face. All you hear about is the hit kids take to their self esteem because they can't control their behaviors, and it just makes it worse when a person that is supposed to love them unconditionally can't enjoy being around them :smileysad: I've had some very hard talks with my husband about the way he acts, and it's made a little bit of a difference. I think it's something we'll always be working on, it feels like I'm parenting two children at times! I like the suggestion of finding some common ground between them, it doesn't even have to be sports. Anything that will hold your son's attention could create some good bonding times for them both.

 photo abbysummer_zps85da8a35.jpg

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2007

I have to admit Luke gets frustrated w/ sports activities (though he likes taekwondo), but that is where I wish dh would have more patience. One nice thing to report back with is, last night, despite dh pretty much begging to listen to dd practice reading vs ds, I told him I already was listening to dd and he needs to hang and listen to ds. Later he and Luke emerged from the his office doors, and he said, "You know, Luke is a good reader." He had that chance to see for himself one of the things Luke is good at. And he played w/ him more today. I know dh loves our son - but I want our son to feel and know that. Thankfully, yes, dh is open to counseling and sees it as a tool, so I'm hoping it will help.

Mary

Avatar for Cmmelissa
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008

(((HUGS))) Parenting a child with issues such as ADHD is not easy at all, and I hope that your husband is willing to work on his reactions to his behaviors. I'm sure that your son can feel the negativity from him, which probably makes the situation worse :smileysad: At some point you just have to realize that you will have to do more parenting, kwim? I had to make myself stop from getting irritated at my son for not being able to get dressed in the morning without me prodding him the whole time. Yes it really stinks some mornings, but it's behavior he wasn't able to control. Now that he's older, I don't have to do it nearly as much. I think counseling is a great idea, do you think he'll be open to it?

Does your husband ever go out and do physical activities with Luke, such as throwing a ball around or playing soccer? Something where there isn't a game or winning at stake, and you are just there to have fun?