Fustrated! Husband NOT supportive

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2009
Fustrated! Husband NOT supportive
10
Wed, 08-26-2009 - 9:17am

Hi I've posted here once or twice before but am mostly a casual lurker! My son (5) was recently official diagnose with ADHD..something that I have actually know for years. I have been doing everything possible behavioral therapy, taking parenting skill classes, I changed his diet, gone to a homeopathic doctor. I have gone to the school and enlisted their help etc (they have been amazing etc etc) However, even with all this it has only made very minimal changes. He is extremely impulsive and has at times put himself in very dangerous situations and at the school is considered a "flight" risk. I am a stay at home mom and take care of him and my other two children 24/7. Too be fair I feel that I should also add that I too have Adult ADHD which I recently got under control about a year ago and started taking Concerta which has been a wonderful life changing opportunity for me! Not a cure ( I still have issues) but definitely has made a HUGE difference for me.

Here is where my problem comes in. The psychiatrist has recommended trying my son on medication. I have for a long time in my heart knew that it would problem come to this and have struggled with the though of putting my baby on medication (I'm sure many of you have struggled with this yourselves). HE's only 5! My family is suffering, he's suffering. He's so sad..he know's he's different, he's always getting in trouble...my husband doesn't understand ADHD . Something as simple as going to the grocery store can turn into a complete disaster. I have decided that I can be at peace with trying the medications...it's done so much for me..how can I deny him the same chance? Which makes me the better mother, giving him that opportunity to advance in life and being happy or passing it by because of concerns of ifs/maybes about "potential side effects which for myself I've chosen to risk?

My husband is TOTAL against this..NO MEDICATIONS..there is NO way his son is going on medications...How on earth can he be so blind..so ignorant? So unfair? So unwilling to even consider? What kills me is that he has been so uninvolved with this whole process. He feels that I've just not done enough..that if only I did more. He feels that I've condoned him from that start and now that I've got the diagnoses that I'm somehow happy...instead of sad that our son while have to live through the pain that I had to (or maybe not if given the opportunites that I didn't have so young). Instead of seeing it as a blessing. he is puffing out his chest and saying that phrase I am sure so many of you have heard in the past.."HE"S JUST a BOY" ....

Anyone else have this problem? How did you solve? Sorry for turning it into a kinda vent...but I'm fustrated!

Thanks for listening/reading lol

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2003
Wed, 08-26-2009 - 10:40am
I would ask your husband to go with you to the next Psychiatrist appointment. I would also try to explain medication in terms of the fact that ADHD is a neurological disorder with symptoms that manifest behaviorally. It is a medical disorder just as any other disease. You would treat your son with medication for diabetes and ADHD should be no different. HTH.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2007
Wed, 08-26-2009 - 10:45am

Hi


When my DH didn't believe DD had problems I made him come to the Psych with us. After the Psych explained the issues, and how to deal with them he was more accepting. We did agree, no meds until after age 6, since he was adamant. He knew they aren't approved for kids under 6, so he wasn't budging on that one.

A child may HAVE ADHD, but it is not what they ARE. Never tell a child they ARE ADHD.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2009
Wed, 08-26-2009 - 11:55am
I've tried getting him to come to the appointments...but he won't come. He always finds some excuse. He really is one of those people that feels like it's just and excuse or a label..etc etc. I really resent him for this...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2008
Wed, 08-26-2009 - 2:32pm

If he won't go to the appointments, he has no say in the process. He isn't getting information from the experts and he needs to make an educated choice about medication. He's basing his decision on nothing but his own fears. Tell him if he's against medications, he needs to come to the meetings, talk to the doctor about his concerns so the doctor understands his fears because so far the doctor is only hearing from mom. He's right to be concerned (and tell him that), but he also needs to listen to the medical professionals, not just rumors or the widespread misinformation about ADHD. He needs to be at the same point on the learning curve about ADHD before he can play a role in decision making. Consider a subscription to ADDitude magazine and ask him to read it to learn more about his child's medical condition. He also needs to understand that this is a brain disorder and not something that will just go away with miraculous "better" or "more consistent" parenting.

My husband was against medication, too, but changed his mind after listening to the doctors. Our son was a danger to others and himself, so we were trying mild medications as young as three. It was a very difficult decision. When it was time to try ADHD medications at age four, we were both reassured to hear the psychiatrist talk about how Ritalin has been used and studied for many decades and that it's very well understood. We asked lots of questions.

A key thing to remind him is that with most ADHD medications, if you don't like anything about it once your child starts, you can stop immediately. I always found that reassuring.

Good luck!
Michelle

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2007
Wed, 08-26-2009 - 9:49pm

I agree with what all the others have said about your husband going to the appointments or not getting a say.


Also, I noticed that you are a SAHM & said you have the kids 24/7.

kids
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2007
Thu, 08-27-2009 - 9:53am
I totally understand what you are going through! I finally got my husband to go to the psych appt with us and the psch mentioned my hubby may have ADHD and he went through the roof. It has taken much time and reading and going to appt's to finally get him to come around. I only hope you have better success sooner.Good Luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2009
Sat, 09-05-2009 - 5:20pm

Hi,


my son hasnt not ben diagnosed with ADHD, I am waiting for t appointment in october to see a specialist.


I

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 09-08-2009 - 11:33am

Haven't had that problem--I was the one who didn't want to medicate--but, let's see:
1) Leave for a weekend--or a week--on a special vacation & let him cope 24/7 for awhile.
2) Couples counselling. Me, it seems completely unreasonable that he won't even come to the appointments, and that you two need to start *TALKING* on this one.

Oh, and what convinced me to try meds was that we could just try them for a few days & then stop if anything started going wrong. Nothing did, and now, of course, I know how much my kid is more himself on them. I have a serious problem with the "it's overdiagnosed", "it's just parenting", etc., stuff & that stuff is certainly still out there & you get that reaction from parents who simply don't know what they are talking about.

Megan
Megan
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Wed, 09-09-2009 - 7:08pm

Here's a newsflash for your husband.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2007
Thu, 09-10-2009 - 9:09am

<>

That's not really true, one med is not going to help everyone the first time. Just because the meds don''t help does NOT mean he does not have ADHD.


I could give me DD all the adderall in the world, and it is only going to make her mean, not going to help her concentrate. "Med trials" do not make a diagnosis, so this probably won't work for everyone.

A child may HAVE ADHD, but it is not what they ARE. Never tell a child they ARE ADHD.