I am half her problem

Avatar for littleroses
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
I am half her problem
7
Tue, 08-12-2003 - 1:17pm
I must confess. I strongly feel much of my dd's problems must be my fault. I mean, by my behavior not always been golden. I love her, but can hardly stand living with her and I feel guilty because I know kids aren't stupid. I am SO tired of her doing the exact opposite of what I ask EVERY time. I mean, I feel bone tired. When I ask her to wash her hair, it doesn't happen. When I ask her not to fill the tub to the brim, it seems to get filled to the brim. I don't mean this happens once a week, this happens nearly every time I ask her to do or not to do something. Is it deliberate or is it ADHD? You probably know what I mean. She is a compulsive liar and sneaky so often. I am always on top of her because she is behaving sneakily, which probably leads her to behave more sneakily and feel compelled to lie. She feels like she can be like an adult. She finishes our sentences, knows everything, can't be told anything, and is very selfish oftentimes. (She's 9 years old, btw.) I have so little patience with her since there is 9 years of history between us...me being the warden and her feeling like the rebel prisoner, I suppose.

Now, I just don't know what to do. How do I deal? I teeter on the verge of completely not caring what she does (if she wants to not take a bath for two weeks, should I let her because she just hates me anyway if I remind her) or become more strict? I am beginning to think allowing her more freedom may be the way to go since having structure and rules hasn't done crap for our relationship. It truly is not working. I don't mean to be so permissive as in harm's way, but you know overlook the stuff that she's lying and sneaking about because me catching her doesn't seem to matter to her. Or to quit caring if she helps do some chores sometimes so she'll learn to be a part of the family or WHAT?

This is a horrible confession, but I don't like my dd too much. I will take care of her until the day I die if necessary and I love her lots, but it is so hard to be with her. I feel sorry for her too. I am realizing that I can't change who she is or change her behavior, but I can work on myself. So, what do you do? How do you deal? What is your parenting style? Are you really permissive? Do you have lots of rules? I feel so sad/embarrassed/awful to feel so disconnected from my own daughter and I want really badly to change that. Does anyone else deal with these emotions?
Avatar for kathy_in_ga
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-12-2003 - 6:36pm
I know exactly what you mean. There are times when my son screams "I HATE YOU"! that I want to scream the same thing back!

One thing that did help me was to read "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. It helped ME to decide what was worth a fight & what wasn't. Like in our house a nightly bath is a struggle. So I decided that my son has to take a shower or bath at LEAST once ever 3 nights, unless he is head to toe in mud. I do wash his face, feet, neck with a washcloth, but he is much happier, and so am I.

Get rid og the guilt! No one said you were to act like you were super human with no emotions. It is very hard no to. I have learned with my son that giving him a little leway helps a lot. Letting him choose between two or three things helps them to feel more independent. My son is also allowed ot walk to & form school, if he doesn't come home he wont be able to do this. He has only once not come home on time, was petting all the dogs in the neighborhood, so I guess he would have eventually gotten there.

Another thing I did was call my doc, I was a mess. The stress had gotten to me big time. I started Welbutrin and felt so much better. Always remember to take time for yourself. Go for a walk alone, window shop alone, take a long shower or bath. Do something you like to do, read, cook, garden. Have a hobby & no matter how strapped for time or money you are try to keep your hobby up. I have started reading again, the library is free, and I read a bit every night. I have really enjoyed doing this.

Hang in there!

Kathy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
Wed, 08-13-2003 - 2:57pm
I can so relate to what you are feeling. Both my son and daughter do many of the things you are talking about. My daughter who is only 8 is very much like your nine year old.

Feel free to email or IM me at PSeel33@aol.com if you ever feel the need to talk to someone. I'll be here for you


Paula

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 08-13-2003 - 10:39pm
LittleRoses!

Reading your message was like looking into the mirror of what i feel about my son! He is only 7 years old but he does all the same things as your 9 yr old daughter. I love my son more than anything but i cant stand him. I dont like him, I dont want to be around him. He lies non stop no matter if i sat there and watched him, he butts in on all my conversations and if im not standing over him watching his every move he does whatever he wants. hes mean to his sister, definant in every way and when i ask him why he either lies or says "I dont know, maybe im stupid". I just can't take it anymore. I am right with you on the Should i just not care anymore? Should i just say Do whatever you want, just so i can have some peace in my life from yelling and screaming all day long. My poor 2 yr old daughter should not have to live with someone who has to be angry, or who is yelling all the time. Its been worse then ever this summer becasue he has not been on his meds. He has ADHD and he takes Concerta otherwise he would not be able to deal with school. He is easier to deal with during the school year but i hate having him on drugs all the time. I love him but i have become a very angry person and havea very short temper with him..If you want someone to talk to please email me. Christinajaynes@excite.com. I live in Pennslyvania. I hope you feel better knowing there is someone else going through the same.
Avatar for littleroses
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 08-14-2003 - 12:07pm
Thanks everyone for your genuine caring and willingness to talk to me. I was really touched. I think this is the part of having an ADHD child that is the most hard. I could never admit these feelings to anyone and they would probably think I was horrible person for feeling this way. I'm not a horrible person. I've made a herculean effort to do what I can to help and to change. So, knowing I'm not the only one going through these types of feelings is comforting and makes me feel a little stronger.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2003
Tue, 08-19-2003 - 7:50pm
Littleroses,

That could be me writing your note only my son is 6 1/2. I am so frustrated and depressed over his behavior. He has pushed his little brother down the stairs, completely trashed his room, and said he is going to kill himself with a knife when he gets older. I often feel like just giving up. I take him to a child psychologist once a week and that helps a lot. I am separated from his father and his father blames all our son's behavior problems on me. He says the kids never act up when they are with him. I find that hard to belive though. Anyway, it is nice to know that I am not the only one who feels this way. It is such an awful feeling of guilt when you can't stand your child. If I don't like him how can I expect other people to like him? And it seems thats no matter what we do or where we go I am so embarassed by his behavior and by the people staring at us and judging me as a parent. I hope it gets easier as he gets older. If you ever want to talk you can email me at ramseycat1964@aol.com. Hang in there!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 08-22-2003 - 5:56pm
Count me in too! My DDis 9 & acts very much like the others. And I am at my wits end like everyone else. Also, when my mom has her, DD is a complete angel, she "never has problems with her" either. Well, my answer to that one is ""THAT'S BECAUSE YOU HARDLY EVER HAVE HER" If I only had to deal with her for a week or two in the summer, I wouldn't be pulling my hair out either. And since she has problems with her teachers, karate instructors, peers, etc. I know it's not just me. People who don't have to face these problems are so judgemental because they think it's lack of dicipline. Well, that is certainly not the case because so called dicipline just doesn't work. My DD could care less if she looses a priviledge, gets her butt smacked, whatever-she knows punishment is coming, but it is not a deterrent.

I wish I had an answer for you littleroses because it would be the answer to my problems too. My DD is on 25 strattera & 300 mg trileptal. I'm thinking I'm going to ask the psych to increase & see if we gat any better results. With her mood swings, you'd thik she was menopausal. Hugs to you to get through this!

jessie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 08-22-2003 - 8:14pm
Wow and here I thought that I was the only one having the battle that you seem to be going through. I will tell you the back ground I have faced for about the past 20 years and introduce myself seeing I am new here. I am Tina and I am the mother of 4 children. 2 of them grown and then the other 2 are 15 dd and 11 ds..

Here is where I differ from alot of people. All 4 of my children are ad/hd. How did I manage this I haven't a clus. My oldest 2 I didn't raise long story in itself but say to say they were my first ones... My oldest dd who is age 20 is my mild one thank the good Lord. Then my oldest son 18 years old has been the biggest problem with his ad/hd. Or so I thought.. Until I had youngest dd and she has been a pain with this and the doctors want to test her to see if on top of all of this she is bipolar..

My youngest son was just tested in vermont this past school year and yes I have problems with him too but not like with my dd... Doctors put her on concerta 3 years ago and for a while it seemed to work great and now I really think the doseage needs to be changed or something because I am ready to do something not to nice to her if something isn't done..

I have had alot of people ask me why have 4 when the first 2 already had this problem. Well 2 of the kids the youngest are from my second marriage. My ex had the oldest 2 for a bit and I honestly thought the bad gene was on is side of the family..

I can undestand where you are coming from. Is your child by chance of medication to calm her down some?

I am taking my dd back to see a shrink and try to get her medications adjusted again..

While you are looking at this child you would love to just scream at. Remember that ist not entirely your fault she is the way she is and I am sure that she doesn't enjoy being the way she is....

Giving her more freedom while in it's own way is good for you is just going to open a new set of problems. I have just livd through that one myself...

I am here and will chat if you need someone to yell at or just a shoulder to cry on...

hugs to you and remember I am here

tina