I need help as a mother......

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
I need help as a mother......
6
Wed, 05-14-2003 - 1:00pm
Hi ladies,


I don't know where to begin but to just start telling you. Last week my sons father took his life. He was a heavy drug user and suffered miserably. I was talking to his mother last night and asked questions if she thought her son had ADHD. She said yes she believed so. We also discussed how her son hated school and excelled in math but had trouble reading and writting. The things I have heard about his childhood are extremely similiar to my son. Ladies I am scared that my son carries the same demon. Will he be haunted by the darkness that overcame his Dad. Struggling for acceptance and love. How do I prevent and stop this ugly cycle? I am terrified and don't know where to go. How do we protect children like ours from becoming people like this. I am so angry at his father for leaving like this. He left his son scared and burdened for life. Ladies, watch your children, our children are more prone to things like this. They are different and we need to teach tolerance and love.

Avatar for kathy_in_ga
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-14-2003 - 1:22pm
How sad, someone who could have been helped is now gone forever. He may have had something other or in addition to ADHD, like depression, & was self medicating with drugs. How old is your son? Does he understand what is going on?

One thing your son has that his dad didn't is informaton. Many psychiatric disorders are hereditary, but it doesn't mean that every offspring will inherit them. I was very scared when my son starting showing signs that something wasn't quite right. My MIL told me that my son acted just like her oldest son, who is an alcoholic & drug user. He was diagnosed in 1969 as ADHD, but never put on any meds. MIL said in those days you just didn't do that, and there was very little to read on the subject. She now wishes she did do something about it, things could be different. BUT we are making sure MY son does get the help he needs. I took my son to his pediatrician for a diagnosis, and also took him to a child psychiatrist. He now sees a certified child psychiatrist ever 6 - 8 weeks to monitor his meds. He has also been DXed ADHD/Bipolar.

A thing you can do is to educate yourself. Read as much as you can, ask questions, and always remember YOU are the expert on your child, not a doc or a teacher. Gut feelings can go a long way, do what you think is best for your child.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 05-14-2003 - 1:45pm
Thank you Kathy,

Tyler will be nine in July. And yes he does understand that his father has died. He went to the funeral by choice and he cried. Now of course because of his fathers serious drug use Tyler had not seen his father in years. I am scared because Tyler asked about his father often and wanted to know why he wasn't there on christmas and birthdays. I told him that his dad was ill whenever he asked. I told him I didn't know if he would ever get better. I did not tell him how his father died but eventually it will all come to surface.

Tyler is on medication and has a psychologist that visits him at school. I told him and he will begin counseling Tyler for this. Tyler seems to be upset but won't talk. He demonstrated some anger the other night after the funeral. I am terribly worried, at first I thought he would be okay but the more I thought about it I realized he needed more attention.

I just wanted to share, I am wondering how many of our children's elders had drug problems and much of this could be hereditary.

Thank you again,

M-

Avatar for kathy_in_ga
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-14-2003 - 4:31pm
Anger is a part of the grieving process. I am glad he hs someone to talk to. Maybe the therapist will have some ideas on how to explain this difficult situation. Make sure Tyler knows it has nothing to do with him & that he did not cause this. Your doing a great job in a very hard to explain situation. Hang in there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Thu, 05-15-2003 - 9:31am
I know exactly what you are going through. My sons father also took his life and was also a heavy drug user. I beleive he also had ADHD. He excelled in math, but did horrible in reading and writing.

I sometimes feel is my son going to turn out like his father did.

It has been nearly six years since my son's father died, and every time I think my son will be like his father I tell my self no I can prevent this from happening.

My son's father did not receive the help needed as a child because we did not know about ADHD then and we do now. We can stop the cycle by helping our sons now, when they are children, and helping them understand and learn how to live with ADHD.

If you need support through this rough time please feel free to email me. I wish I had, had someone to talk with who knew how I was feeling six years ago.
 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 05-19-2003 - 4:22pm
In addition to teaching tolerance and love, we need to help their self-esteem every step of the way. To me, that is the most important thing for my child. Everything else seems to fall into place as long as he is feeling good about himself. He knows he is different, and I tell him the world would be terribly boring if everyone was the same. What makes him different is what makes him special. I do not believe that our children have to suffer from the same demons - with appropriate help from us as parents, the teachers, and any professionals we may consult they don't have to suffer. People who are misunderstood and untreated, or mistreated, are the ones who suffer. We can't protect our children from everything, but in giving them a healthy environment to grow and succeed, we can help protect them from the inner demons.

Lots of hugs to you - I know your heart is in the right direction for your child, and try to have confidence in yourself as a mother.

Avatar for keke0116
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-20-2003 - 6:32am
I am sorry for your loss. Obviously, this was a troubled soul who felt that there was nothing left for him to live for ... a very sad state especially considering the fact that he had a child who loved him and now has to live with this loss and try to make sense of it. (DH has a cousin who has a son who is, I believe, bipolar, who's father recently made the same choices ... and it isn't easy for any of them.)

Your focus right now has to be your son. Sounds to me as though you have not had him tested. If that's the case, then you need him to be evaluated NOW. Find out if there is anything going on with him, and get him help. I would think that part of the turmoil DS' father faced in life was that his ADHD (or whatever he suffered from) went undiagnosed, thus untreated.

A child/adult with ADHD is quite capable of leading a full and productive (and happy!) life ... but it needs to be detected and treated. ADHD is not a 'demon' but a 'condition' ... and it needs to be approached from that angle. To answer your question:

How do we protect children like ours from becoming people like this ... I'd have to say we find out if they have a problem, what it is, and how we can help (whether that means medication or therapy or behavior mods, or a combination) and do what we can. And, we love them no matter what ... we let them know that they are loved, they are worthy, they are deserving, they are capable. We don't ever let them feel or think that they are any less than anyone else. Everyone in life has an obstacle to overcome ... some are more obvious than others ... but a 'label' in life is not a mark of disaster. It is simply an obstacle ... and they can overcome this with some love and patience and understanding.

Sounds to me like your DS could use some counseling if for no other reason than to help him get over the loss of his father, to make some sense of it, to understand that the turmoil that led to this decision was his father's alone, and had nothing to do with him.

Nancy

Nancy 

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