I've been in denial?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-1998
I've been in denial?
10
Mon, 12-27-2010 - 2:09pm

If I really think about it, my problems with DD started when she was about 3, I guess. At that age, it's easy to dismiss as normal toddler behavior. When she was 4, we started getting calls from the Pre-K teacher and director on a weekly basis. They were having the same problems with her at school as I was having with her at home. Again, easily dismissed because I thought she was having pending issues with a divorce that took place when she was 2 and a lack of involvement on her Father's part. Kindergarten, repeated calls from teacher about DD's behavior and defiance, rudeness, talking back, refusing to follow directions or accept correction at home or school. They recommended that I have her evaluated. In all this time, I would get mad at the school or either feel like I was doing something horribly wrong with her. Maybe I didn't love her enough. Maybe I didn't discipline her well (at least that's what my own parents told me).

Now, we're in the 1st Grade. We just moved across the country to be closer to family for more support with her and our other children. I made the decision to send her to private school thinking that the more personal attention is what she needed. We actually went a full month with zero phone calls and I thought she was doing very well....until a couple of weeks ago. Her teacher called me to say DD had been sent to the principal's office. They have apparently been having problems daily and weekly with DD's behavior and have been unable to correct it. They threatened expulsion if she continued to be a disruption to the other students. :::::sigh:::::

Unfortunately, our insurance doesn't kick in at DH's new job until Feb. 1. I've always dismissed the possibility of ADHD with the thinking that it was a cop out for teachers, parents, doctors. I finally started doing some research on my own after feeling utterly exhausted, frustrated, and at the end of my rope with her behavior. I now feel like I may have been wrong in stereotyping all along and have done her a horrible injustice by thinking we could handle this on our own.



iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2008
Mon, 12-27-2010 - 9:48pm

HI, and welcome.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-1998
Tue, 12-28-2010 - 10:58am
Her behavior is mostly verbal; she yells at me and other grown-ups. She interrupts people when they're talking whether it's to her or others. If we don't respond to her right away, she yells or stomps her feet. She interrupts when people are on the phone. She talks CONSTANTLY. She has always been an excessive talker. When told to be quiet or stop talking she either just starts mumbling to herself or talking back, saying she doesn't want to. We have asked her on numerous occasions why she can't just please STOP TALKING. She replies that she can't. She yells at her younger brother (18 months) for his normal toddler behavior.

Non-verbal behavior is her constant need to be bouncing off the walls. From the moment she wakes up she is wide open and I truly believe that if I didn't enforce a bedtime, she would never go to sleep. It's like she runs on a motor that never winds down. She has a need for constant stimulation of some kind. She can't just sit quietly and work on one activity.

At school, the teacher said she is always trying to make the other children laugh during teaching/listening time by getting out of her seat and bouncing around and/or leaning out of her chair and crawling on the floor. When the teacher asked another student to stop tapping their fingers on their desk, DD then proceeded to begin tapping HER fingers on the desk.

When someone tries to correct her, she gets very defensive and either stomps and yells or just yells back. She won't accept correction either. She immediately forgets any kind of discipline or punishment and acts as if nothing happened within 5 minutes. She has also learned to quickly apologize when she sees someone getting upset with her but then goes back to doing the same thing she was doing before. She also compulsively lies about little, meaningless things. When I've asked her about it, she lies about why she lies. The few times that I've broken it down to get a truthful answer out of her, she reveals that she lies because she's afraid of getting in trouble. My heart breaks because at the end of every single day, I feel so horribly for her that she just got "talked to", yelled at, or in trouble of some kind ALL DAY LONG. We can't through a single day and just enjoy her. It's so exhausting and I can tell that she genuinely wants to "be good" and doesn't seem to know how.

Her behavior doesn't really change at different times of the day, she's pretty consistent.

Sorry this was so long-winded. Yes, I will be taking her to see someone when our insurance kicks in. Thanks for listening.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2008
Tue, 12-28-2010 - 11:03am
It des soudlke ADHD, but there is likely a Comorbid. I would see a Psychologist for testing, not a Pediatrician, and not a Psychiatrist.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-1998
Tue, 12-28-2010 - 11:56am
Oh my! I just looked up symptoms of Oppositional Defiant Disorder and both mine and my husband's jaws dropped. It makes me feel like crying but that is my daughter. Just wow. :(


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2003
Tue, 12-28-2010 - 12:44pm

It could be both ADHD and ODD.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-1998
Tue, 12-28-2010 - 12:51pm
We will have Kaiser. I believe everything is done within their clinics. I will look into it. Thank you very much. :)


Avatar for ralenth
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 12-28-2010 - 5:22pm
My son has ADHD and ODD, and sounds a lot like your daughter. I will say that with the right meds, and the right supports in place at school and at home, he is doing wonderfully today. We still have meltdowns, but I have learned how to handle them, and him. His 1st and 2nd grade years were pretty rocky. This year? His teacher has told me that he is in no way a behavior problem, in fact she was blown away by ONE bad day - and was shocked when his 2nd grade teacher said that that was nothing compared to prior years. But right now he's on meds that work for him, he's got the supports he needs (and teachers/aids he trusts), and it's working well for him. I just remember how scary ODD sounded the first time I heard it... and while it is scary, it's something that can be managed. Also, look into sensory issues. That is a HUGE trigger for my son, and knowing that helps so much.
DSC_1103
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-1998
Tue, 12-28-2010 - 6:16pm
Thank you so much for the reassurance! It's comforting to know that others are handling this and coming out on the other side. It is so disheartening, as a parent, to feel like I've done something so horribly wrong that would cause her to act this way and treat me and other adults this way.


Avatar for ralenth
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 12-28-2010 - 9:13pm
I know for sure that I didn't do anything, or cause anything with my son. It's just how he is, and who he is. Until his diagnosis, and everything that came after it, I tried just about every form of discipline out there, and nothing worked. It all worked amazingly on my other son, but for Alex? Forget it. Nothing worked. I now know why. I know what his triggers are, and I know what things can help him. And we are working with him to help him recognize what sets him off. It's nothing you did. And it will get better - you just need to find the right help, and the right supports for your daughter. Also, remember, every child is different, and what works for one, might not for another.
DSC_1103
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Sun, 01-02-2011 - 5:06pm

I can completely relate to how you feel, as if you are doing something wrong as a parent. Before my son was diagnosed with ADHD I felt exactly the same way. I could not figure out why it was so impossible for him to listen. My husband and I had tried every kind of discipline technique and nothing had worked. He is doing well on meds (we tried several before we found one that works). One thing that really helps my son at school is working with an occupational therapist. I'm not sure if your school has one on staff but it has been a dream for us. He works with the OT once a day to get a break from the classroom as well as work on calming behaviors. If there is ever a behavior issue while he is at school he goes to see the OT and they discuss what he did wrong and how he could behave differently. My son ADORES the OT so he feels like he has someone he can trust and talk to at school.