What would you do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
What would you do?
4
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 8:00am
When I was talking to my pediatrician regardling Nick's behavior (4 1/2) she said to continue with his time outs and we have to be very consistant with it. She told us that the time out chair has to be implemented in school, as well as at home in dealing with his outbursts and aggression.



I went to the play school yesterday to pick him up and spoke with the teacher. I asked if a time out could be carried out while he was attending,,,when it was needed. She flat out told me that she didn't think she could do that as there are other kids in the class she's got to deal with. Now his class is only 10 kids,,,and there is always a roster mother present. For the last two months, every time I have picked him up she's always complained. It's always something. Yesterday, she said Nick was pretty good........but, he's really loud. I was upset, that she is nit picking him...of course he's loud...so are lots of other preschoolers. I don't believe being loud is a "terrible thing". I feel that Nick is just a nuisance to her and the money is more important than the welfare of the children. She doesn't get paid by the school board,,,we pay our fees and that's what pays her wage. I told her if I couldn't rely on her to continue with what we are doing at home, then I have no option but to pull Nicholas out. Immediately, she said she could do it. Now I'm not sure if I even want to keep him there.



My doctor told me that pre-school is mainly for the socializing aspect. Now we also attent a playgroup. I was thinking of taking him there to socialize and do his work at home, ex. practice numbers and computer learning. I'm just really unsure, as my doctor said not to take him out of preschool....what do you think?



ps...Doctor thinks Nick is ADHD with some ODD there as well. We have an appointment to go and see a psycologist at the end of April.

Hazel

Avatar for keke0116
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: hazee1
Sun, 04-06-2003 - 7:19am
First of all, it sounds like there may be some "ODD" going on, and if that is the case, then I don't even think that the time-out thing should be used. You can't really (effectively) punish a child for behaviors that are not within his control. The point of a punishment or consequence is to 'teach' a child how to behave. If you punish him for things that he couldn't control in the first place, then you're just adding to his frustration level. What I think you need to do, is to start a behavior chart at home ... and carry THAT over to the school setting as well.

CHART INFO: Positive reinforcement is really key ... Behavior charts work well. I use poker chips (even with my non-ODD kid!) I'll have a chart listing 8-10 behaviors I want to see improved or stopped (like getting dressed in the a.m., brushing teeth, no fresh talk, no hitting, whatever you need to work on ... if they're younger, do pictures as well as words, and do this on the computer so you can update and modify as needed.) At the end of the day, review the chart and give a poker chip for each thing they did right. (No consequence for the ones missed, although it's a good opportunity to talk about it.) Then, there's a 2nd menu with things the chips can buy. (3 chips = 1/2 hour TV or computer, 5 chips = Burger King, 15 chips = fishing with dad ... again, modify to meet the needs of your child.) There needs to be enough lower ticket items so they are earning rewards from the start ... but some bigger ones they need to work toward. The more positive feedback they receive, the more they'll produce! (With ODD kids, like 90-95% of all interactions are negative which really makes the whole mood in the home difficult. Changing that to positive really affects everyone!) What's nice about this method is that it isn't time consuming ... really reviewing it once a day ... which is important especially when there are other children to deal with!

Even if it turns out that he doesn't have ODD, this is a very effective method. Then, you can give the teacher some poker chips as well, and let her give him 1-2 at the end of the each day where he behaved well.

Now, speaking of teachers and schools ... Especially with a private school, you want/need the school to work WITH you, as a team, in dealing with your child. In a class of 10, there is no reason why the teacher cannot comply with your request. I mean, it's not like you are asking for anything that is going to require a lot of time or energy on her part ... just to help with consistency. If the school/teacher are not able to comply with a simple request, then it probably is time to consider looking at other arrangements. Montessori schools really are good options for ADHD/ODD kids since the focus is on the child as an individual, and each is able to work at his/her own pace. But, since you are paying good money for your child to be in that environment, you want the environment to meet the needs of the child (and the parent!) Although preschool is primarily about socialization, that IS as important a skill as reading and writing, and should not be discounted. I wouldn't necessarily take him out of school ... but perhaps, take him out of THAT school (although, at this time of year, it may be hard to find something to put him into, and you may have to wait 'til the fall.)

(((HUGS))) and Good Luck!

Nancy

Nancy 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
In reply to: hazee1
Sat, 04-05-2003 - 11:26pm
I would say that if you can be a stay at home mom and he has a regular play group, why be in preschool at all? If the day care provider isn't willing to work with you on discipline issues(and there is really no way to be sure they are unless you observe daily), then it is just going to confuse your child and frustrate you. So many teachers nowadays are overworked and underpaid and don't feeling like changing their teaching styles to suit children with special behavior needs. It sounds like you have the opportunity to work on behavioral interventions at home and during playgroups. I can't stress enough how many wonderful parenting books there are out there. The Indigo Children, Children are from Heaven, Raising Your Spirited Child, and so many more. If your child's doctor thinks he has ADHD/ODD then please also read some books about that too.. Talking Back to Ritalin by Dr. Breggin is a wonderful book and there are so many other great ones. It sounds like you have alot of patience, keep it up, you'll need it for the times ahead. Good luck.

Heather
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: hazee1
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 9:07am
I'd say it's time to get a new school. We had the same problem with my daughter's 1st grade teacher in a private school. Every week she had a new discipline strategy, whether it was missing rescess, running laps, bribing with donuts, names on the board, x-marks, siticker charts, etc. Nothing really was working, and with an ADHD child, they need immediate consequences good/bad. Time-outs are what work at home. When I asked to teacher about it she wasn't willing to work with it. We took my daughter out of that school for this and other reasons. A different teacher can make a world of difference.

- Wendy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: hazee1
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 8:57am
Hi there,

My son is the same age as yours. He is on ritalin. Preschool helped him a lot, and it also helped me. It showed me what type of discipline worked on him and what didn't. At preschool, if they acted out, priveleges were removed.

I use the same technique at home and it works wonders. Time outs just didn't work on my kid but all are different. I was lucky to find a preschool that had experience with ADHD and took a gentle but firm approach to dealing with misbehaviour.

If you are not getting the results you need from his current preschool, perhaps you could check out another one...ask them if they have any kids with ADHD and how they handle misbehaviour. That's how I chose mine.

It does sound like this one is interested in money rather than the well being of your son

just my 02

Elspeth