19 yo ds saying he is gay ? (may offend)
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| Fri, 12-08-2006 - 4:27pm |
Hi all. I am new to this board but I hope the moms of as children will be able to help me with this very special problem. Long story short. I have a 19 yo ds college freshman , He was dx with as at age 12. It was a mild form, but still left him very socially awkward. He graduated from high school 2 yrs ago, and even spent a year at home becuase for one we were retiring from the service and moving, getting relocated. We felt the extra year of "rest" would be a bonus.
My ds has never really acted gay or shown gay tendancies. Not that it is wrong per se to be gay, but I feel he is mistaking as retardation with social scenes to a feeling of "must mean I am gay". He dated in high school..he does not carry himself as a homosexual ( again, I am not meaning for this to be a slam against gays)..He had talked of getting married one day, etc.
He has some troubles in college now. I think he is depressed and I have a dr. appt set up for him on christmas break. He had sex with a female and a male in college, and he entered college being a virgin. He called me both times crying on the phone, both times feeling guilty. I was shocked over the male sex but thought it was some sort of college stupid one time thing. Now though he says he is gay and knew it all his life, etc. I just do not believe him..really..I do not. I think it is a combination of depression, being a virgin, feeling very lonely and almost abandoned ( the college is a few hours away and he has only been home once since Aug). I also feel since he has a tough time relating to females on a daily basis now ( can't hide in his room ) that maybe he figures he understands males more ( which he probably does ) and so natch he is gay.
This is not some parent saying oh, no, not my kid..oh not him..but really, I think as has some part in this. He was always the type to sit in his room and be on the computer and hide from social aspects. He has some very close friends who I believe wholeheartedly would of pulled me aside and told me if he was gay. I told my best friend who has known him all his life and my sister about his revelation and both were shocked and said no..not him..am I sure ? I would think he would of let out some sort of inkling or little habit that someone would say well..I kinda thought it all those years..but no..
He also would make gay remarks not slamming them but sayihng oh he is day so and so forth.
and so..what do you think of this ? I of course could add more which I may with comments..right now in college he has a ton of female friends and some male friends as well..which he says they are not gay, the males..tia for any help
Tanya

I think talking with a good councellor would be good for your son. Honestly, I don't believe that one 'acts' gay or 'looks' gay. There are some more effeminate men and more masculine women, but I have known/met many gays in my lifetime and there isn't really a standard.
I have a friend who joked about homosexuality. She was a Christian and believed that homosexuality was wrong. Her mother is a lesbian. My friend dreamed of being married and having a family, the 'white picket fence' idea. After five years of marriage she is now going through a divorce. She still loves him, think of his as her best friend. But she says that she was always gay, she was just lying to herself. She married hoping that she would change, and she never did. She just had to be truthful to herself and those around her, or she felt she would never be happy.
This is a common story, and very sad that one would marry someone in the hopes of becoming un-gay.
It may be that your son is bi. I consider myself Bisexual, but I prefer women. However, I married a man. He was my best friend, and I felt that although I wasn't in love with him I would grow in love with him.
Did I make a mistake like my friend did? Well, I also believe that homosexuality is wrong, and so it was a moral choice to marry a man instead of a being with a woman. I hope that I never regret it as my friend does now. I am mostly happy with my life, and I don't think anyone is 100% happy with all aspects, but right now I do think I made a good decision.
On a lighter note (hope this doesn't offend) my husband sent this to me without knowing of this discussion and I had to laugh.
http://www.engrish.com/recent_detail.php?imagename=egyptian-homos.jpg&category=Engrish%20from%20Other%20Countries&date=2006-11-28
Tanya,
I think he is 19, and probably just doesn't know yet what he really is or isn't. He is still trying to figure himself out. 19yo may be considered late to do this in some minds, but they don't call it a Pervasive Developmental Disorder for nothing.
His sexuality is a matter he will have to figure out on his own. I don't think this is an issue in which you can intervene or guide him.
visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
Dear Tanya,
I have to agree with Paula that this is his journey. I also have known many, many gay people who are not in any way "gay" acting. And many who are actually bi, but maybe end up choosing to be with one sex eventually because of a particular person. I also have known many people who really didn't start figuring any of this out until way later than 19, and many of them were not AS.
I also want to send (((((HUGS)))). This sounds like a rough time for both of you on many fronts. Growing up is so hard. If he does happen to be gay, as well as having AS, he will need even so much more unconditional love and support in his life.
He is lucky to have such a loving mom.
Stay in touch, let us know how things are going, OK?
Sara
ilovemalcolm
Tanya,
I have been talking alot to teens and men in their 20's with AS. The question of being gay or possibly atypical comes up alot. I think being quiet, quirky, and not pursued by females thru school....does tend to leave one to question oneself. At least that is the experience I have come across.
I believe having him see a counselor, someone that he can talk to about these issues would be very helpful. I'm told that growing up with autism arises many questions about oneself, sexuality being one of them. Best of luck.
michelle
That was perfectly said Paula! I have a nt dd who at the age of 14 told me she was bi. I did the same as you, told her it was a teen kinda thing... I didn't care If she was gay or bi, but I just thought it was an experimental thing at the time.... You know, trying to figure herself out.
Well after awile I knew she was serious....
Now she is married and has a child, but I do think, if anything happened to her marriage (God forbid lol) that she would be still be just as attracted to a woman, and very possibly form a relationship with a woman.
Thats okay, as long as she's happy and loving life :) Your son will figure it out. Its great that he has such a wonderful mom to talk too. Many kids out there don't have that. Thats whats sad.....