6-yr-old AS says he wants to die
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6-yr-old AS says he wants to die
| Thu, 09-27-2007 - 3:49pm |
I've been here off an on the past couple of years. My 6-yr-old DS is in 1st grade now. He made it through K with a few problems but nothing major and he made progress. This year though he says he hates school and would rather die than going. I've already talked to his teacher several times. We email almost every day. She

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Hi there!
We are dealing with school struggles with my 5 year old Aspie (in kindy) now.
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Christine
I am sorry that you and ds are having such a rough time. I think that you need to include a resouce room for him, so that he can go there and finish work that he hasn't finished in class. It provides a quieter and safer environment, that he may feel more confortable, and be able to work better. Also, and I don't want this to sound to harsh, but, I would hate school, and not want to go if I never got to go to recess, not have any fun, and felt that the teacher must hate me. I have a feeling that is how your ds feels. He is only in 1st grade, he has to have some amount of time that he can "let down". He needs to go outside, get some fresh air, and run off energy. He also needs to feel like he is a good kid. By her taking away everything he enjoys, he probably feels pretty bad about himself right now. I think positive reinforcement could be a much better strategy for him right now. I would definitly meet with a psychologist or psychiatrist, they can write up plans for him etc...that would give the teacher some better ways of handling your ds. He deserves to love school, and right now it sounds like the teacher is making that hard for him. There are much more experienced ladies here than I, and I am sure that you will get some great advice from them, and I hope that things get better for your ds and you.
Carey
When will these school districts wake up and realize that the negative consequences DO NOT WORK with our kids!! My DS is also 6 in first grade. Last year Kindy was a living nightmare in an inclusion class with a teacher who thought he was "smart enough to know better". He was constantly being sat in a time out chair and losing priviliges. One day she "got in his face" her words, and told him he needs to learn respect.
Finally a compassionate Vice Principal formed a friendly relationship with him and began creating positive reinforcement opportunities for him. He completely turned around! She was a wonderful woman with a special ed background and really cared for DS. He went to summer day camp at a fantastic camp for ADHD and AS kids. He loved it. It had a point system with clearly posted ways to earn positive points. He was the "High Point Kid" 3x. His self esteem soared and he was awesome at home. If this camp ever opened a school, I would remortgage my home to send him there.
Anyway, now we're back in public school in a first grade inclusion class. I gave the teachers "The Explosive Child" to read over the summer. It is a great book which clearly explains how when our kids are anxious (AS is ALL about anxiety), the intelligent brain we all know completely short circuits and the behaviors are NOT controllable. Threats will just increase the anxiety and they will not be able to regain the control. The key is for our teachers to see the approaching behavior before it goes into "vapor lock" and help him get control. Our kids need to see teachers as helpers not adversaries. I am carefully watching the pattern of removing part of my son's recess time as a consequence for outbursts. Consequences are fine within reason, but if they are not following up by helping him learn alternative behaviors then they are wasting their time and destroying his hard-won confidence.
Sorry this is so long but this is a real sensitive subject to me. I saw first-hand how well the positive approach worked and believe many teachers need to lose the idea that AS kids are bright so they should "know better".
Good luck!
Shelley
Yes, I have come to believe that the negative approach is doing more harm than good. The teacher said that if we're all consistent in our consequences then he would come around (as if the problem was that I wasn't being consistent at home.) But I have seen that taking things away only makes him more angry and intransigent.
If I take the time and patience, I can usually bring him around when he's in one of his moods, but it really takes a lot of time and patience. I'm sure the school would see this as coddling him, and they don't have the time to spend on each student. But I feel like I'm having to talk him down every day when he gets home from school because he's so mad and upset at stuff that happens there.
We are in the 6th week of school. I was hoping that he and the teacher would come to an understanding so I kind of stayed out of it the first few weeks. But now I feel like we just shouldn't keep going the way we are. He is getting a bad taste for school and I hate that. I get bad reports from the teacher almost every day. It's more like she's just venting to me than trying to figure out what to do about it. But like I said, I don't want to make her the enemy. DS is going to be stuck with her for the next 8 months, so I need her on our side. Gosh I hate confrontations. But i went ahead and sent a message to her to schedule an IEP meeting as soon as possible. I just hope they don't all gang up on me.
Hey there,
Well I totally understand the delicate balance between calling the teacher on tools that aren't working and thus pissing them off; I have been the teacher and am now the Mom, lol.
Your teacher needs to be literally trained as to how to deal with your ds. I mean would you tell a blind child to navigate through a classroom they've never been in before and then take away their cane or dog, 'cause that is effectively what is happening to our children each and everyday in classrooms all across the known world.
In the IEP meeting I would ask what actual training or experience this teacher has had with ASD children, and if all you get is (I've had them in my class before that is not acceptable. Try to push the principal and the IEP to find and mandate training for the entire faculty; I mean with 1:150 statistically a large elementary school is dealing with dozens of ASD children (and they are the ones with a dx).
The other option is to give ds's teacher literature that you feel is appropriate to your ds. When I taught, (prior to my own ds's dx) I taught an Aspie girl in 6th grade and her Mother gave me a few pages from the Internet with certain passages highlighted for me. After that she was very respectful, but would keep me informed and I always respected her for that, and I have to say took her dd under my wing a bit. Call for the IEP and illustrate your ds's anxiety, and yes, use the language he is using to describe his fears and worries, perhaps if they hear that and you explain over 30% of ASD's end up with a mod disorder by middle school (especially depression), they'll listen. Stand up and stick it to the man....urm woman, lol. GL
Dee
A good book to offer passages from is "Parenting Your Asperger Child" by Sohn & Grayson. I myself am copying Chapter 5 and sending it in to DS's teachers on Monday. It's written for parents but very easy to follow and clear on to gain control of our kids by earning their trust.
I was ganged up on last year at all my meetings. The CST liason told me DS was manipulative...at 5! He was always in pure "fight or flight" mode. Take someone with you if you can. I will never go without DH or someone else again.
Good luck!
Shelley
We're having some adjustment problems this year too. Our daughter is just 5 and started kindy in August. The class has one of these stupid behavior charts with clips with each child's name written on one. Everyone starts on green everyday and then their clip gets moved to yellow, then orange, then red for behavior infractions. Our daughter hits yellow pretty much daily. For that she loses 5 minutes of recess. We've talked with the teacher and our daughter's case manager about how ridiculous it is to take any recess away from a child that can't sit still if you bribed her with a pony, but they will not listen. The teacher has made some accommodations about just what constitutes and infraction, but it's not enough to keep her in the green. So, I choose to interpret the success of each day for my daughter. Each day I pick her up ask her teacher (in front of my daughter) how the day went. Then if the teacher says the day went really well except for XXX for which she lost 5 minutes of recess I do a happy dance right there in the parking lot and yell "hurray! you had a great day!" Then we talk about how the clip got moved, and how to avoid that problem in the future, in the car on the way home. If the teacher said "She had a really hard time listening today and we didn't get very much done" I don't do a happy dance, but give her a BIG hug and tell her how sorry I am her day was so hard and then we take a walk when we get home to talk about why the day was so hard. And every once in a while, when she's had a hard day and can't even tell me why or how I break all the rules of good parenting and take her out for ice cream and we just eat together and don't talk about school...just to let her know that things can be good even on a bad day.
School is hard hard hard for our kids. I knew that before we started and I struggle every day with the decision not to home school. I argue constantly with the people who interact with my daughter. She also has health problems that get overlooked and treated improperly and question abilities daily. I also smile a lot and volunteer for everything I can and do my best to keep things from being really adversarial. I think you can get the school to do what is right for your son without making the teacher hate you. Volunteer to be the class mom or bake the teacher a plate of brownies some week that you know has been rough on her. Praise the things you think she does well.
Mary
Hi Jckie and welcome to the board.
I have C&P-ed some of your questions (in green)
Should I push for the IEP meeting and express my concerns to the team?
visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
Thank you so much everyone! Now I know that it's not just me wanting to "coddle" him. I realize that he needs to learn to deal with expectations of others, but I don't want him feeling like he's being shot down before he even gets a chance.
I did email the teacher and ask for an IEP meeting to be set up. The counselor called me Thursday afternoon to set it up. So we have a meeting for next Thursday. On the phone she mentioned that we would discuss more resource room time for DS.
Then I got an email from the reg. teacher Friday afternoon that DS had an absolutely wonderful day. He told her he liked school and that he was going to have a good day and then he did. So I feel like all the extra attention I spent on him Thursday evening paid off. I keep trying to explain that even though he gets into trouble sometimes it doesn't mean he's bad. He has such a darn black/white view of everything. If he gets even one little thing wrong then he "can't do anything." If he gets into trouble then he's "bad."
Does anyone know of a source that I can cite about how AS kids are prone to depression? I know I've read it somewhere. I would like to bring that up as an argument for building his esteem instead of tearing him down.
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