Advice? Helping Cassian adjust to baby?
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| Sat, 07-09-2005 - 3:53am |
I just thought I would post this question because it is what we are currently working on a lot. Not a day goes by that we don't discuss the realities of having a baby in the house with Cassian, read books, watch videos, etc. about having a younger sib. We even have a baby doll (male anatomically correct) that can go in the bath and be used to demonstrate how to care for an infant. Cassian hasn't taken much interest in the doll, but he shows a lot of engagement with the other methods. He talks about Tristan and includes him (as an idea) in his play quite a bit. I plan to take Cassian for a special one-on-one visit to the maternity ward at the hospital. His room is still being completed, but he will have a new "big brother" room when the baby is born. We are a family bed family (Cassian is not sleeping with us now, although he enjoys visiting our bed in the morning briefly sometimes). Tristan will begin his life sleeping in an arms-reach co-sleeper attached to my side of our bed.
One thing that is very obvious these days is Cassian's increasing attachment to his Dad. I don't know if this is an age thing, or if it has to do with me being too tired at times to play, but it is very evident. Cassian wants to go just about anywhere with his Dad and will seek him out to be near him (physically drapes himself on DH whenever he is sitting somewhere or asks to be carried when we go to a store/restaurant). Tim is a major source of sensory comfort for Cassian these days (maybe because my belly is just too big to let him sit in my lap easily), as well as a companion. Tim will work at home for 2 weeks in August after the baby is born, and my parents will also be here visiting.
Anyway, I just wanted to pose this question to get ideas about how you all transitioned to having a younger sib around and the unforseen issues that may have come up.
Suzi

Hi Suzi,
I don't have any ASD-specific ideas, but I have been around this block a couple of times. I'll just throw this out there and you can pick and choose:
-- When you take him to the mat ward, make sure and show him the phone, so he knows that you will be calling him.
-- When he comes to visit, make sure and have a photo of him next to your bed.
-- Don't be holding Tristan when Cassian walks in to meet him the 1st time.
-- Have some fun stuff for him to do in the hospital when he comes to visit.
-- Always refer to Tristan as "your" (Cassian's) baby.
Good luck to all of you! It's a very exciting time!
Cathy
To add what Cathy has said ...
My advice is to do your best in preparing Cassian for the birth of his baby brother (and you definitely already are doing this well). HOWEVER, don't stress yourself over it. It will work out. Some days will be great, while others you will want to pull out every hair on your body. As far as dividing up your time between your kids and your husband, remember that you can only do your best at the time. Try not to beat yourself up for imperfections. With your vast knowledge and devotion to your family, you all will do great. Not in a million years did many of us expect, or prepare ourselves for, a child with special needs. We can only take one day at a time, and do our best with what we've got.
The baby will take up a great part of your time those first few months, older brother may start acting out in response to this. I know that's what you are trying to prevent. However, it may happen anyway, even NT kids do this too. I can only hope for you that Cassian will feel the same way about his baby brother and my Joey feels about his. My boys are now 6 and 3. They occasionally fight and aggrevate each other, like brothers often do, but they genuinely love each other and look after each other more than any other brothers I've seen. I have always tried my best to incorporate a "team" approach in our daily activities. I also do things special things with them, individually. I feel that it's very important that dad also takes an active role in daily activities. I have seen it make such a difference. Unfortunately, my DH is not very proactive with our boys, so it's me doing everything. It's makes for a stressful household. (That's another story).
Every stage you'll have challenges, that life though. Some may be more challenging than others. I'm glad that we have support systems such as this board group to help get us through those rough times.
Suzi,
I am sure you are doing a great job preparing Cassian. I know you've mentioned that depression runs in your family and it runs in mine as well. After each pregnancy I felt an intense sadness that only lasted for about two weeks but it was VERY intense. Things are going to be so different for you as well as Cassian so allow for extra emotions and know that life will find its rhythm again.
My NT daughter, who was 3 at the time, acted as if her baby brother was the greatest thing in the whole world but after about a month of pretending she admitted that she hated him and wanted him to go away. I told her that it was okay for her not to like her brother but that mommy and daddy loved him very much, as we did her, and that he was now a part of our family. Once I allowed her to not like the baby she seemed a little better and didn't feel the pressure to pretend. You might want to have some "little moments" with Cassian after the baby arrives so he can share his feelings with you, whether they be negative or positive. Good luck and take care of yourself, Vicky