Advice needed

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Advice needed
6
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 1:19pm

I know I haven't been around in eons...i still lurk, just haven't felt I had anything worthy to add. Glad to see so many new people!

Well, I have met someone new with really good potential. (Renee, don't know about THAT department though). Anyway, I told him about the autism part and he didn't run like another run seemed to.

So, here is the question. If you had to start over dating with a child with autism, when and what would you tell someone new? And then, I had my tubes tied. How do you talk to someone about that fact. I don't want to wait too long and waste our time, but I don't want to bring it up prematurely either.

All opinions are welcome. Hey, when did we get these cool new emoticons? I am so out of the loop. ~Valerie

~Valerie
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2003
In reply to: vcjacobs
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 1:36pm

Val,

Welcome back. I missed you.

Jeeze, these are all good questions. I know from talking to my single friends that dating seems to have changed a lot since I last seriously considered it. There seems to be a lot more rules and guidelines and less playing it by ear.

I once dated a guy who finally admitted that his firstname was not his name, and that was like in the second or third date, but it was still a bit of a shock, because I felt decieved, even tho it was more of a misunderstanding and he told me as soon as he could.

I am usually right upfront on the autism and special needs stuff. Anyone who doesn't like it can eff off.

The tubes thing is trickier in a way, because you want to get the information out there for fairness, and yet you don't want to appear pushy or presumptive. I don't know if a casual reference to something like "my first and only children" would be the way to go, giving him the opportunity to drill down to the reason *why* they are the only ones, should he wish to do so.

Sorry, That's the best I have right now. It's not much.

Are you OK in general?

-Paula

-Paula

visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: vcjacobs
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 2:39pm

Hi Valerie! I met my DH when my son was almost 2 yrs old. (I did not have a clue at that time that son had AS. He was diagnosed years later.) John (my hubbie) knew the very night he met me that I was a single mom. If I had known about the autism at that time, I believe I would have been up front about it - I would have told him as much as I knew about it.

I did not have him meet my son for almost 6 months. I did not want to be introducing people into my son's life unless I knew they were going to stick around. During that 6 months, the topic naturely came up if I was interested in being married again - someday, if I was interested in more children - someday. During these type of conversations is when I would have said if my tubes were tied, etc.

That's my two pennies.....hope it helps.....Good Luck!
Christie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
In reply to: vcjacobs
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 5:00pm

Howdy, stranger!!!

I pretty much agree with what everyone else has said... It seems smart to bring up the fact that your children have autism fairly early on -- if for no other reason than it will give you a good idea of what kind of person you're dealing with, KWIM? Plus, it's just so much a part of who *you* are as a person, that if you didn't mention it, it would seem like you're hiding a huge part of yourself... (Does that make sense?)

As far as getting your tubes tied, there's probably not such a huge rush to talk about that. I'd probably wait until you knew things were getting serious -- at that point, I'm sure you'll be having discussions about children etc.

I'm glad you've met a nice dude!!! And I hope things work out the way you'd like them to...

Jennifer :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: vcjacobs
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 5:31pm

Thanks for the replies so far!

Yes, he did find out about the boys on the first date. It came out naturally when he asked how I gained my experience for presenting on autism. He handled it well and asked some thoughtful questions.

As for the tubes tying thing...both of us being 29, it's a hard call for me. I guess if I was 40, I wouldn't be so concerned. But a guy at 29 is still prime for reproductions, KWIM? He also seems to really like kids, so I don't want him to feel gipped with me if that is a big issue for him. I think I will wait it out and see if it comes up.

Overall, I'm doing real well Paula! I am coming to Manhattan soon BTW. Where are you in NYC?

Val

~Valerie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: vcjacobs
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 6:14pm

You have told him about the autism so you have divulged what you need to in that department. I think that I would be open and honest if he begins to ask questions. Kind of let him lead in that department. It is a tricky subject but I think you just let it come up naturally and be honest about it.

Eventually the topic of "do you want more kids" will come up if it gets serious, particularly since you have 2 spectrum kids already. I would then just be honest that your tubes are tied.

I am sure I will ask about his other qualifications later....

Renee




Edited 5/15/2006 6:16 pm ET by rbear4
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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2003
In reply to: vcjacobs
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 7:50pm

Val,

Glad to hear you're doing well. I have been thinking about you, even tho' I haven't been in touch much.

You're coming to Manhattan?

Woo HOOOOO!!!

I work downtown -right next to the WTC (I refuse to call it That Other Name).

When will you be in town? will you have time for a coffee -or maybe even something stronger? (espresso?)

-Paula

-Paula

visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com