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| Tue, 01-17-2006 - 9:31am |
Hi Everyone,
I'm having an issue here with Matt. Over the past 2 weeks or so, Matt is refusing to be apart from me. Every Tuesday Matt's Grandfather comes and picks Matt up off the bus, which is something that Matt had asked for. This was a great thing because I knew Tuesdays in school he would have a great day..because he was looking forward to seeing his Grandpa. I usually work while Matt is in school (a whopping 2.5 hours/day) but on Tuesdays I usually put in a full day because I have babysitting. Matt used to go to a babysitters (a classroom mother who has a son the same age as my daughter Abigail, and a daughter the same age as Matt) on Thursdays. Well all of a sudden he wouldn't go in this lady's house, she would literally have to carry him off the bus kicking and screaming. I thank God I have an understanding boss because I have had to go pick him up because of the meltdowns and bring him back to work with me. So, we no longer go to the babysitters anymore. Now, he's telling me that he doesn't want to see his grandfather anymore and only wants to be with me. I will get him off the bus, I will have special time with him. He gets upset when I go to work on Sundays..he is home with his dad and sister. Tells my husband to go to work so Mommy can come home. Don't get me wrong..I love him to death and I'm happy that he wants to spend time with me, but I'm at my wits end. He doesn't want to leave the house to do errands, follows me EVERYWHERE in the house. I know this sounds terrible and I should be thankful that he wants to be with me. But, how do I teach him independence and social skills when he's always with me. By the end of the day, my nerves are frazzled. I need some advice...do any of you have this issue? Any ideas on what to do. I get frustrated sometimes with him and try like hell not to project that on Matt. It's not his fault, I know this. But some days I just cry because I don't know what to do. Advice???
Thanks
Carol

Dear Carol,
I think this is pretty normal development, but because your child is spectrum, he is behind chronologically and has more trouble communicating and working through his difficulties. My son also went through this, and actually is kinda going through it again now at age 8 (although in different way now). It is likely that when he was separating easily from you before --- he's around 5 now, right? -- he was actually NOT separating but zoning out, compartmentalizing and almost ignoring that he was away from you. Malcolm talks now about how much he always missed me when he was very young, but I was so unaware of it because he never showed any discomfort.
So, assuming I (the non-professional) am correct, he is now going through the separation step he would have taken when he was 2 - 3, and because he is bigger this is harder now. The old tricks we do with younger children could help, a toy or piece of clothing that smells like you, a photo of you to look at, a note from you to remind him that you love him and will see him soon, that he will be OK with Grandpa and babysitter. Talking about the overwhelming feelings, the fears, spending time with him acknowledging that it is indeed very hard to be away and that you do understand how much he misses you when you are away. Children need permission for these big feelings, NOT to be told not to have them, often just talking about the feelings and helping him own them and then come up with strategies of ways that will make him feel better, let him participate in ways to cope, understanding that you will always come back eventually --- also, that you miss him, too! Ask him what would help him feel better when he misses you.
We often cooked up a special treat while he was with babysitters that he normally wouldn't get to help him be a little excited about being away, and then reward him with another treat with Mommy when back again. What the hey, we STILL do this!!! We also play-act, overdo the reunions and almost make a joke, how MUCH we missed each other, lots of snuggling, etc. Even pretend crying to make the coming and going more fun... But we have built to that. Malcolm loves it when I act very distraught and HE gets to comfort me, be the sensible grownup "Geez, Mom, I'll be back in 4 hours..."
Good luck to you. If this gets really bad, you might want to consider some counseling for him. We have had Malcolm working with a psychotherapist who specializes in ASD kids for over a year now and she has been a terrific help!
((((HUGS)))) and remember, they are delayed, but there will still be progress and this too will pass as he matures.
yours,
Sara
ilovemalcolm
Hi,
I just wanted to let you know that we are in the same boat sort of.