Back with more questions

Avatar for manda28
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Back with more questions
6
Mon, 07-25-2005 - 12:56am

Ugh. They should have a "tired" icon on the emotions selection, LOL. My toddler has been waking at night for the past week, and dh has been working nights this weekend, which makes me the only parent at the moment.
We are really at loose ends here with no preschool. Aaron (4 yrs 9 mos, PDD-NOS) did just do a week of vacation bible school at the same church where his preschool is, and had a great time. But since summer began, he has had some more problem behaviors surface. Immediately he became more negative in general. Even things he is normally fine with are met with an "I don't think so." Usually if I say nevermind, then he immediately wants to do it! I struggle not to let him watch too much tv. But he doesnt' play with toys much. It is so hot here, and if one mosquito bites him he freaks out. He is learning to ride a training wheels bike. But, since it is not easy for him, he is done after one turn in the driveway. A few months ago he happily would drive his battery-powered jeep for 10 mins at a time, and now it is maybe one or two laps around the yard. He just doesn't know what to do with himself. Lots of his time is spent kind of aimlessly, unless I have set something up for him. Do you all have this same problem? He likes a couple of preschool computer games, and likes doing crafts. But come on, that is not enough to fill a 12 hour day!
This weekend has been particularly bad for testing me. He giggles when I reprimand him for something. Is this a typical 4 year old thing, or a PDD thing? A biggie here is he mimics every babyish noise or thing my 20-month old does. All their shrieking at the dinner table is a real problem. I have tried removing him from the table to time out to no avail. Again, is it PDD or do all 4 year olds make the same noises as their baby siblings? Baby will sit there and bang her spoon on the high chair tray, and Aaron does too. If I say something about it, he looks me straight in the eye and giggles.

I would love to hear what you all think.
Amanda

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Registered: 10-24-2003
Mon, 07-25-2005 - 3:33pm

I think developing a structured routine for your days may be important.

Pat

Happiness is a conscious choice, not an automatic response. --

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2004
Mon, 07-25-2005 - 4:32pm

Amanda,

Well, we are 3 wks away from having a #2, so I can't comment on how hard that is. Cassian (5.5 yrs, PDD-NOS, hyperlexic) is a handful on his own, however. To keep him from stimming all the time on books or videos, I do have to schedule him and keep him busy. I like giving him things to do and working with him because this keeps him doing something productive most of the time. He does get plenty of "stim time" with books and scripted solitary play, but like many kids with ASD's he needs to be helped to string along more complex strings of behavior.

I keep Cassian busy by making up a schedule and posting it on a dry erase board in our kitchen. Other dry erase boards around the house help remind him of rules. Because he is hyperlexic (read early, learns better through print), I use this method, but for a nonreader, you could use pictures drawn on a dry erase board or cut out laminated pictures from various sources to signify activities. I don't put a time on activities because that allows us to be flexible. I also don't demand that we do everything on the schedule. It helps to have a schedule because then there is less argument over transitions and less resistance altogether. It also helps me to feel like we are getting things done, which is something I need since I am not employed. We do a lot of reading during the day, but I don't schedule it because Cassian would read all day, if he was allowed to do so. We do most of the activities listed together. I rarely leave Cassian to amuse himself, except during video time. I don't get much else done all day, but I did go into developmental psych because I like to work with kids. I know other moms would feel more of a pull to vacuum or cook, but that's not who I am.

Anyway, today our schedule looked something like this:

Monday, July 25, 2005

1) Eat Breakfast
2) Play with Playdough
3) Writing/Drawing books
4) Video #1 (this is when I get to shower and dress)
5) Toy Kitchen Play (this is actually "floortime" and Cassian can choose whatever dramatic play activity he wants)
6) Jumprope Activity
7) Lunch
8) Tumble Rumble Play at Rec Center
9) Shop at Food Lion
10) Come Home
11) Video #2

Typically videos last 30-45 mins. After the second video of the day, Cassian's Dad comes home, and we don't go by a written schedule. In the summer, we have been going to the pool or park in the evening because it is very hot here too. Cassian's Dad is also very good about taking over and doing things with him in the evening.

So in my long-winded way, I tried to answer your question. Yes, I think kids with ASD's are harder to keep occupied in a productive way. If they aren't occupied, I can see where they might get cranky or, even worse, go off into their own heads and not come out for too long.

I can also relate to having to reprimand over and over again. Cassian will often just ignore what I request him to stop, either that or he doesn't process my request without direct intervention. I have to go over and physically remove him from something I have asked him not to do. He then throws a little mini tantrum, rolling on the floor, kicking, screaming, etc. He recovers from the tantrum and often will try to go back to what I told him not to do. I remove him again. Sometimes I use time out. Sometimes I time out a toy or book he is playing with. I use counting, chanting, and other vocal methods to get him to attend better and calm down. I use deep pressure when he is very volatile and cannot calm himself. This happens about 6-8 times a day. I am pretty used to it. I mostly do prevention because this works better with Cassian. I think he often has trouble stopping a behavior because he gets stuck in a repetitive loop. He has given me a lot of practice with behavior modification. The same problems occur at school and with DH, so I know this is a consistent part of his personality right now.

Until age 4.5 yrs, Cassian did not seem to understand consequences at all, so most of our intervention was prevention, childproofing, and protection. I have read that with many ASD children, even those with high IQ's and good language, take 50-100 trials to learn a contingency that is in the real world. NT toddlers only need about 2-3 repetitions to learn the same thing. This is really a fundamental part of having an ASD, and it makes these kids really hard to teach and parent. So if you think you are working more than 10 times as hard as parents of NT kids, you are probably right!

Hang in there, you are not alone!

Suzi

Avatar for manda28
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 07-25-2005 - 11:14pm

Hi Pat.
I agree with you about the scheduling outside things. I SAH, and my husband works rotating 12-hour days/nights shifts... and overtime. I would much rather spend time away from home than here trying to entertain! The days that I do, Aaron can go through just about every activity in my bag of tricks in about an hour. Things were so easy last school year. He had preschool 3 mornings per week and OT two mornings, and speech one afternoon. Then we came home and took a nap. We are still doing nap, though I suspect he doesn't really need it anymore. But, it is that much less time I have to figure out something for him to do. I am considering getting him some audio books and music CD's, and telling him it is still quiet time, and he has to stay in his room till I come get him. My 20 month old wakes at every little noise on my old hardwood floors. I need Aaron still somewhere, but he does not need more tv time. Dh and I need that rest time too. Shiftwork has his body clock so messed up he often naps too.

I enjoy outings, it is just getting harder with my baby now. We do story time at the library,play area at the mall, and playing in the sprinkler. When dh is home and willing to watch the baby, I take Aaron to the city pool. I can't handle them both by myself at the pool right now. Aaron's likes the water. But, even with a float or lifejacket, is very insecure unless I am holding him. I'd really hoped to do more pool stuff with him this summer, but babysitters for little sister have been nonexistent.

Sometimes I wish I had a job to go to. Oh well. Don't mean to complain. I really respect working mothers. I know it has to be hard to work all day and still come home to laundry, meal prep, house cleaning and stuff. I barely get it done as is!

Amanda

Avatar for manda28
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 07-25-2005 - 11:39pm

Hi, Suzi.
First off, congrats on the impending arrival of your new baby! I did not realize it was this close!

It does not seem especially hard anymore for me to have 2 kids, with one on the spectrum. My worst days were when kid #2 was about 3 months old. And this was only because I was just realizing that Aaron was on the spectrum. We'd been dealing with delays all his life, but, he'd also been a preemie. Both his Ped and the Ped Neuro we saw for hyptonia denied autism at the time we tried to conceive Aaron's baby sister. So to read an article online and suddenly have it hit me the that Aaron did have PDD was awful. I took the article to the Pediatrician and he agreed Aaron had too many symptoms to ignore. So he sent us to OT, who then sent us to Child Psych. But the inital realization gave me about a month of anxiety attacks. I even had to get a prescription for Xanax. Literally the moment my eyes opened in the morning, my heart would start flipping out and my stomach would knot up. Aaron was also much much more oppositional back then. At least you are already aware of the origin of Cassian's issues, so you will not be in that situation.

I like your idea of a picture schedule. I just realized Aaron mainly gripes about going to the grocery store. I don't have a set day for that, so I am not sure how to put it on the schedule.

It is awesome that your husband takes over in the evening. Mine works horrible hours and, when he is home, is often too tired for anything. He helps with bath time (now that we have 2 kids) and has recently agreed to watch the kids while I go work out. But, I come home to kitchen wrecked, no food put up, high chair dirty, kids running wild while he is on the computer. He also takes them one weekend per year while I leave town to visit my brother, happily. I just wish he was more helpful day-to-day.

The repetition thing is hard for me to get. When Aaron does these things, I know he knows he is not supposed to do them. I can tell by the look on his face and the giggles. He 'gets' it but chooses to test me. I have read several books, but the lengthy system of rewards/consequences will not work, as you know.

Well, thanks for your input.
Amanda

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2004
Tue, 07-26-2005 - 9:50am

Amanda,

Hugs to you. We have been through some hard times, too, and Cassian got much worse then. DH, Tim, was unemployed for over a year during the telecom industry slump, and we basically lost everything and went into huge debt. We had no medical insurance at that time, either, and we moved twice at our own expense and basically gave most of our unneccessary belongings (furniture, clothes, etc.) to the Good Will. Tim was too depressed that whole year to be much help, and because we were moving and had no insurance, I could not get services for Cassian until he was about 4 yrs old. It was very depressing and hard for us all. Tim also has Major Depressive Disorder, and this year, when he tried to go off his meds for a while, he developed other health problems. Basically, I was faced with parenting Cassian by myself because all Tim could do was come home and sit on the couch and stare blankly at the TV. He hardly responded for either Cassian or me for about 3 mos, but then I managed to get him to admit he needed antidepressants for the rest of his life. Now, we are back to having a good marriage and to parenting more like a team. So, yes, I know what you are going through.

I did read an article this year that suggested that about 30% of adults who are on antidepressants might not need to be if they were sleeping well. Perhaps this is part of your husband's problem right now. He may have sort of mild depression from his wierd work schedule. Do you think you could encourage him to see a doc and get some antidepressants to see if they might help. Some SSRI drugs also help you sleep better, which is often an issue for someone working a swing shift and changing shift work often. Maybe looking for another job would be another option. I don't know.

Also, you say you would like to work. Part-time work or even full-time could be a good solution for you. SAHM'ing is not for everyone, and we are lucky we have a choice today. No one with any sense would blame you if you decided you just wanted to go get a job to give yourself a break during the day. Research shows that if mom is happy with her employment status (either SAHM, part-time, or full-time), the family is happier and functions better. Your main issue will probably be to find good care for Aaron, but once he is in preschool, that might not be so difficult.

Anyway, I wish we were a little closer so I could give you a personal "hug" and maybe hang out to alleviate the stress. At least we all have this board and a few other places we can "go" where other parents understand. Good luck in whatever you decide.

Suzi

Avatar for manda28
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 07-27-2005 - 6:01pm

Hi Suzi.

What you and your family went through sounds awful. It is horrible to live without health insurance. We did the first several years we were married, purposely waited till dh had a job with benefits to get pregnant. I live in utter fear dh will lose his job and all that goes with it. Other than the hours, it is a great job with good benefits and great pay. He is an operator in a plant that makes plastic. DH has been to college but does not have a degree. OPtions around here for non-degreed people pay much less, and often no benefits. I have a certificate in Vocational nursing (other parts of the country call us LPNs). But, I have never liked it all all. The local community college is starting a new program I am interested in Fall of 2006, for Health Information Technology. By then, Aaron will be in school, and Maddie will be old enough for the part-time option at the college's child care center. Hopefully I can get a new career going and take some of the burden off of dh.

He has actually tried some antidepressants. I forget the name of the first, but it made him feel sick. So he did BusPar for awhile and did fine. Then of course he decided he did not need it! I used to work with a woman like that. She'd get way down, get on Prozac. It would help her feel so good she'd end up deciding she was fine and stop it.

Today hasn't been great for me. Makes me wonder if I need some drugs. I totally lost my temper with Aaron. Later I apologized and told him I loved him. But I have been really short lately. DH and I also had a heated discussion yesterday because I "snuck off" to retreat to our bedroom for 20 minutes, after being alone with the kids day and night since Friday. He said he did not appreciate me "sneaking" like that. Considering I was 10 steps away from where he was, I dont' consider it a big deal! Men!
Amanda