AS behaviors vs brat ?
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| Thu, 12-08-2005 - 12:49pm |
How do you know when a child's behaviors are because of his spectrum issues and when they may just be behaviors issues (being bratty)? Here's some background. Jake is 2 years 3 months old. He's currently diagnosed with apraxia, expressive language delay, and sensory integration dysfunction. We're waiting on an autism evaluation. I'm guessing maybe PDD-NOS or maybe HFA, if anything. I'm not sure how to handle some things because of him not having an actual dx of autism yet. For example, he'll throw fits over things - like if he wants something at the store and we decide to get it for him, he flips out when he has to give it to the cashier to have it rung up. We always give it right back, and explain that it'll just be for a moment and he can have it back, but it never does any good. Is this a spectrum thing, or is it just bratty behavior. Should we tell him that if he's going to cry and scream when they ring it up, then he won't get it? Or is that unfair if it's related to some of his issues? There's some other things as well. He get's entranced with something (like a fish tank at a restaurant) and doesn't want to leave it - we have to physically pick him up and move him (which is fine now, but what about when he's bigger). He'll insist on watching certain videos, and get's upset anytime a commercial comes on tv. Mostly, we've been placating him, and trying to do what we can to avoid or reduce his tantrums, but I'm not sure if that's the right approach, or if we need to be more strict. I guess, I'm afraid that if we excuse his behavior as ASD, he may end up without a diagnosis, but just be a brat? KWIM? I hope that didn't come out horrible. I just don't want his behaviors to be a result of bad or lenient parenting rather than some other issue. Any ideas?
Thanks
Jen

Jen,
My son, Cassian, is 6 yrs old now with a diagnosis of PDD-NOS and hyperlexia. I think that at age 2-3, we mostly did what you are doing - - tried to avoid tantrum situations and help him work through tantrums. The need to give things to a cashier and get them back and fixating on things like fish tanks were both issues for us.
I used songs or chants a lot (made them up on the spot) to help Cassian understand things. He seemed to calm down and listen better when I sang or chanted to him. I also focussed mostly on helping him calm down by doing deep pressure (whole body hugs), rocking, and singing/chanting when he was really upset. I usually removed him from the situation if the cause of the tantrum was something he could not have. In my experience, even at age 6, behavior modifying tantrums does not work with my child, rather I use the approach that we are very slowing teaching coping skills. This teaching just takes longer in our kids.
Lately, we are trying to help Cassian learn some conversation techniques that will help him negotiate for what he wants instead of tantruming. We are also trying to teach the idea of compromise. Cassian reads and comprehends what he reads very well, so we do a lot of social stories and read books with prosocial lessons a lot. Signs posted around the house help to remind him of rules of behavior. With a child who cannot read, you would use this same technique, but present pictures or series of pictures that tell a story. You can also play out scenarios using dramatic play once your child can do this type of interaction.
It just takes time with these kids, and it is harder at every step.
Good luck.
Suzi
Jen,
It does take time for our kids to learn certain things. Behavior is a big one. There are certain situations where giving in to his desires is best, just to prevent a long, drawn out battle. But letting him have his way all the time isn't the answer. What worked best for me, is explaining to Nathan what was going to happen and what to expect. Take the fish tank incident. I would tell him that there is going to be a fish tank at the restaurant, and that we can look at it until it's time to go to our table. (I know your ds is young and I don't know if he understands much of what is said to him.) When Nathan was younger, I would avoid situations that were too confusing for him, or go places where I knew he would start a tantrum. It just worked better that way. I would only go if I had too, but generally I would wait til I didn't have him with me. It does make things a bit complicated, but it does become your life.
Now that Nathan understands more, I am able to let him know what's going to happen "in advance", so he's prepared and knows what is expected of him. Even when he was younger and didn't understand as much, I would STILL explain things to him. And little by little he began to understand what I was saying to him (with the help of speech and constant talking at home). He would amaze me time after time. My dh and I would see him improve in public situations. Again it does take time and patience. Nathan still loves to look at fish tanks and gets mesmerized by them. But now, when it's time to go....he's ok about it.
Hopefully, once your ds's eval is done, his dr will be able to help you by giving you suggestions as well. Best of luck.
michelle
Dear Jen,
Your son is very young, and young children do have difficulty with not getting their way. But the kind of tantrumming and difficulties that our children have does not come from lenient parenting. If it did, helping them would be relatively simple. They are missing social cues and get overwhelmed, their emotional reaction is so much bigger because they are so frustrated and unable to figure out what is going on around them much of the time. They really don't get it, they are NOT being manipulative. I agree big time with Michelle that when they are young, there is not really much to be done except as much anticipating and avoiding and preparing and then damage control when it happens. When they are tantrumming, it's best to get off the issue that set them off immediately and focus on calming them down. They are out of control, and punishing them will NOT teach them against the next time. They can't yet connect that way, as other NT kids can, even when young.
I was always pretty careful not to give in to tantrums in order to get our son to calm down (unless really benign and giving in wasn't really in direct conflict of parental authority). This did not stop ds from tantrumming, but it also didn't therefore teach him that he would get his way with tantrumming. I also didn't try to penalize him for tantrumming. We also discussed afterwards, talked about strategies for calming, etc. His tantrumming was always discussed as him needing to learn other ways to express himself, to ask for help when he needed it, etc.
Now years later, age 8, it is rare that he tantrums. Sudden disappointments can still overwhelm him and his emotions can go so BIG!!! But we seldom have the type of situations you describe, and he can handle a "no" much, much better now. It has taken loads of patience and understanding on our parts and practise on his.
Good luck to you. At his age, there is a part of this that is just about waiting for him to get older and dealing right now as best you can... But starting appropriate therapeutic intervention will also begin to bring about good changes, better communication skills and a light at end of tunnel, you'll see.
yours,
Sara
ilovemalcolm
>>like if he wants something at the store and we decide to get it for him, he flips out when he has to give it to the cashier to have it rung up. We always give it right back, and explain that it'll just be for a moment and he can have it back, but it never does any good. Is this a spectrum thing, or is it just bratty behavior.<<
sounds Specrum-esque to me. My DD used to do this. It helps (as Michelle mentioned) to prepare him. Tell him in advance that the cashier will need to take it for a second. Also give him a timelimit. It may be a count to 10 or sing a verse of a song and he will have it back before the count/song is done. Another issue may be the bag. DD hated when they put her stuff in a bag. Now, at 5yo, she presents it to the cashier and says "no bag please" and everyone is happy...
>>Should we tell him that if he's going to cry and scream when they ring it up, then he won't get it?<<
No. he probably doesn't understand the process. that is why he is behaving like this.
>>He get's entranced with something (like a fish tank at a restaurant) and doesn't want to leave it - we have to physically pick him up and move him (which is fine now, but what about when he's bigger).<<
Try a timer. DH has a fancy digital watch wih alarms all over the place. he can set a timer for 1-20 minues minute, and when the kids hear the beep, they know time is up. It has saved our sanity.
>>He'll insist on watching certain videos, and get's upset anytime a commercial comes on tv.<<
Yep, hates change and to be interupted, especially unexpecedly.
>>Mostly, we've been placating him, and trying to do what we can to avoid or reduce his tantrums, but I'm not sure if that's the right approach,<<
It is. Following your gut is usually the right approach.
>> or if we need to be more strict. I guess, I'm afraid that if we excuse his behavior as ASD, he may end up without a diagnosis, but just be a brat? KWIM? I hope that didn't come out horrible. I just don't want his behaviors to be a result of bad or lenient parenting rather than some other issue.<<
Jen, if half the people in the world put half the thought and care into their parenting as you do, the world would be hundreds of times better.
-Paula
visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
Thank you all for your responses. They've really helped. At least I don't feel quite so alone! :) And Paula, thank you so much for your kind comments and reassurances, I really needed to hear that! Thank you!
Jen
“Always Unique Totally Interesting Sometimes Mysterious”
Oct-Dec 2000 Moms
“Always Unique Totally Interesting Sometimes Mysteriousâ€