"Best" Friend issues...

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Registered: 03-27-2003
"Best" Friend issues...
3
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 11:30am

Sam (AS, 7) has a best friend that he's had since Kindy. They like the same things and used to get along pretty well. He's a quirky kid though, very persistent, somewhat inflexible, some sensory issues that his parents have told me about, passive - sometimes passive/aggressive with Sam. We have become somewhat close with his parents. They have similar interests as DH and I, they are a little quirky as well, but so are DH and I.

Since Sam has been on meds for attention/impulsivity he's been much more patient with this friend. To the point that Sam puts up with behaviors that he wouldn't have last year (by that I mean that Sam would have ended up belting the friend if he annoyed Sam too much.) It gets to the point though that Sam is crying because the friend won't stop and won't listen when Sam tries to tell him that he's driving him crazy. The friend has also told Sam on several occasions that he won't be Sam's friend anymore if Sam doesn't do something he wants to. He sometimes tries to get Sam to break rules at school (according to Sam.) Again, the friend is the quiet one but gets very upset if Sam is crying; he starts crying too.

It came to a head this weekend. We were over at their house, watching football. The friend immediately starts needling Sam while he's playing a video game. Sam starts crying, we break it up. I have tried to get the friend to work things out with Sam many times on different play dates, but he avoids the situation all together and just escapes into another room and doesn't want to deal with it. We decide to play outside for awhile. When they get back in Sam starts playing a video game again and somehow an argument starts over a cookie which ends with Sam crying and the friend escaping upstairs with a quiet, "I"m outta here."

We ended up leaving because I knew it was just going to keep happening and Sam was not going to be able to handle it any better. But that caused a huge meltdown with Sam, uncontrollable crying....etc. He never has done that outside of the house and I'm sure it was quite a sight for someone not familiar with it. He did a really great job calming himself down in the car on the way home though, which is a step in the right direction. He usually needs help doing that.

I want Sam to take a break from this kid, who obviously has some social skill issues of his own. We're trying to get Sam to learn to calm down during a difficult time and try to remember that he's still OK even if someone is bothering him or doing something wrong; to ask for help or find another way out of the situation. But the crying just keeps getting reinforced because the friend stops what he's doing and takes off as soon as Sam starts to cry. And the friend seems to have no clue that this is really getting to Sam. The friend starts to get upset but I'm not entirely sure what he's upset about. His behavior before the crying seems to indicate that he wants to get to Sam, but then his being upset afterward suggests that he's sorry about it. Perhaps he's more upset that he's getting into trouble or at least being held accountable.

What would you do? I know the friend's parents are going to want to hash this out. I want Sam to have friends, but I'd like him to be playing with someone who's at least trying to be a little more flexible. Sam always feels like he's getting the short end of the stick and thinks that he can't make any other friends at schools, so that's not exactly helpful, either.

Chrystee

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Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 6:58pm

Chrystee,


I have no wise words of advice for you but I wanted to tell you we are going through the EXACT same thing.

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Tue, 12-05-2006 - 7:55am

These types of incidences are hard, and fairly normal with NT kids as well. My son's first best friend (since age 3) and he started struggling a few years ago, really because of personality differences and because of their (both) scattered skills and developmental delays in social interaction. We had some rough times.

I really wanted Malcolm to keep this friend, which is even today challenging for both of them, but it does mean that I keep their playdates shorter -- we used to do all day playdates -- and I keep them more on a short rope and me more involved. We DO things, like go on horse trails (this boy rides, too) or bike trips, all 3 of us. When he is over, I have them write up a list of what games they are going to play, a schedule, and if there is a squabble, they have to leave the activity and move to another on the list, their choice. Of course, I know this boy so well that I can be "mom" to him as well as Malcolm, and ride herd on them both.

I am hopeful that they will grow and keep each other as friends. As it happens, this family moved to the suburbs so actually it is hard to find the amount of time to get together that the boys used to have, and that works well for us, too.

Sara
ilovemalcolm

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Tue, 12-05-2006 - 12:25pm

Thanks Sara, your post is exactly what I was thinking would happen! SAm and C get along much better out of doors and the list idea is awesome. I think that would work great for them. And having them over at our house instead would avoid the video game problem all together (we don't have a system here.)

Thanks for your insight!

Chrystee

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