Better at school than at home?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2004
Better at school than at home?
6
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 7:57am

The only reason I often think maybe my son's issues are me, is because he is so good at school. I am curious if anyone else's child is this way? He portrays all the classic traits at home and when out, but at school he is an angel. What is with that? It drives me nuts, because all of his teachers often think I am insane when I say he won't do things at home that he may do at school.
Right now his new teacher is pushing potty training. Well at home it is a BIG fight. I read that you shouldn't force the issue, they will go when ready. So why will he go at school but not here? I have tried every seat, every little potty, rewards, etc. Nothing really works for him. He decides what he will do and when he will do it. And for now he is more content with diapers.
I often want to pull my hair out over the whole situation with my son, but I look at my younger one who doesn't seem to have any issues at all... and it reminds me how special each child is. It's hard but, you gotta stick with it.

Shana
PJ (3 yrs old) PDD-NOS, Dev Delayed, Speech Delayed, SID, ADHD
JoJo (Just turned ONE)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 11:01am

It is actually very common for a number of reasons. Sometimes they are just more comfortable with mom at home and after a day of hard work at school holding it together and dealing with overload, they just let it all lose at home. Sometimes they really thrive on the very very structured day of school and fall apart when there isn't the structure at home. Often it is a combination of these things. Some kids will do better at home than at school. They are 2 completely different environments and autistics are infamous for not generalizing skills and behaviors from one environment to another also.

My daughter, Cait, has had frequent meltdowns since she was tiny but she has never had a single meltdown at school. Rather, she withdraws at school and at worst will become non-compliant and oppositional, but man will she fall apart when she gets home. Often it is from the stress at school all day and she holds it in until she gets home and BOOM!

Mike now is an equal opportunity challenge between me and school. But if he has had a rough time at school he will be angelic at home and vice versa. I joke with his teachers about how if he had a bad morning at home he should be great for them that day, lol.

HOWEVER, I will never forget kindergarten. Mike was not yet diagnosed with AS but was diagnosed incorrectly with ADHD and on meds. He would hold it together most days (not all, still gave them a run for thier money) but never was agressive or really bad. However, as soon as I would pick him up at the door of the class he would start in. Often tantrumming all the way to my car hitting me and screaming. My youngest (also ADHD) was 1 at the time and strong as an ox. I would be carrying Dave like a football under one arm. Holding Mike with the other hand trying to keep him from hitting me and Emily would be following along behind trying to keep up at 3. I cried a whole lot of days on the way home from school thinking I was a horrible parent. I often got the remarks from school that he never did that there, etc. That was very hard to deal with.

But now I know it was because Mike was completely stressed and overwhelmed all day and was holding it in. That combined with some medication issues and BANG! He still isn't great with transitions between home and school both ways but we have a routine down now that makes it much easier for him.

Renee

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 11:04am

Hmm i have the opposite problem. While Hannah is never a behavior problem, beyond pulling the books out of her brothers bookcase...at home she is MUCH more vocal/verbal, goes to the potty, is much more social with her brother, cousins and neighbors, follows directions (sometimes - hey she IS 2) etc.... At school she is a lot more reserved etc... If it weren't for the EI specialist having observed her at home, I think her teachers would think I was imagining things...

ml, mom to Hannah - 2 yrs 9 mos - PDD-NOS

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 11:21am

It's *very* common even for NT kids to behave better at school than at home. Home is a "safe" place where they can let out everything they've been holding inside while at school. It takes a lot of energy for kids to keep it together while at school, and all that pressure has to be released at some point -- and home is the safest place to release it (lucky us!)

It occurs to me, too, that he might be using the potty as a control issue with you at home, whereas he doesn't have that baggage at school -- does that make sense? So probably the best thing to do, as you said, is not to pressure him at home, so that it becomes a non-issue. If he's comfortable sitting on the potty at school, eventually that should carry over to the home as well. (We have the opposite issue, by the way -- DD will use the potty very well at home but not at school. Go figure!)

It's funny because when we went to DD's preschool open house recently, we were surprised to hear that all the teachers think she is the happiest kid they've ever met. They said, "She beams from the moment she steps off the bus until she goes home! We've never met anyone so happy!" And I was thinking, "Really? Sylvia? Are you sure?" LOL! Because while Sylvia is a delightful child, I wouldn't necessarily call her the happiest kid ever -- she tantrums a lot at home, is very strong-willed, and often shows signs of anxiety. But I have to say I'm glad she behaves well at school and is a "challenge" at home, rather than vice versa, you know?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 12:07pm

hmm makes sense, although a few things seem more like your Sylvia. Hannah goes on the potty more frequently at home, even though at school she goes more frequently ..like evry half hour without a problem. She goes without a problem at home but actually makes water (my son came up with that and its what we say). At school, I think she has only made water once. at home she makes water & poops.

The thing is, Hannah is less 'autistic' at home than at school. She doesn't tantrum, (knock on wood) and H's version of a meltdown usually lasts about 30 seconds but she never does that at school, and rarely at home. So they tend to think she is more autistic than I honestly think she is.... but she is such an amazing girl...and we all agree on that so... and she likes school so that helps!

ml

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2004
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 12:09pm

Shana,

Nathan does well at school too. When he first started kindy, they had no idea why I was so worried!! LOL Then the holidays came, and he had a few meltdowns.....so bad that they had to call me to come calm him down!!!

So far, we've only had 1 bad episode at school this year. And they were able to settle him down, without calling me. Nathan is also one of those kids who holds it all in at school and then releases everything the minute he sees me!! Sometimes I wish he'd share more of his creative personality with his teachers!! lol

michelle

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2003
Fri, 11-25-2005 - 11:19pm

Yep.

My son is a different child at home than at school. We finally had an autism specialist from the district observe him in both setings, and she literally said that had she seen him at school first, she would never have though of "Autism" and "Peter" in the same sentance. "he is a different kid in school". That sucks when trying to get services for him, because the school always say "but we just don't *see* it...

Oh. and he didn't potty train until he was 4.25. Then he trained in about two weeks.

-Paula

-Paula

visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com